Monday, March 28, 2011

"I Just Can't Do It Anymore"

(Written 3/28/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

I just can't do it anymore.
It's too hard.
I'm sorry...
I just can't do it anymore.

I never thought I'd say that.
It hurts too much.
I've tried everything...
I just can't do it anymore.

I thought it would last forever.
I think it's almost over.
I was wrong...
I just can't do it anymore.

You will have to take charge.
I'm in too much pain.
I can only help...
I just can't do it anymore.

I don't think that will work.
I'm nearly exhausted.
We can try it...
But I just can't do it anymore.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

"The Top 10 Explanations For NOT Reading the Blog"

(Written 3/23/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

10. "I absorb it off the monitor thru my fingertips."

9. "If I told you, I'd have to beat you up."

8. "I only read the *copies* in the updates Cindy emails me 5 times a day."

7. "The blog comes to me thru divine revelations."

6. "We Zombies really don't read it. We just copy/paste whatever Zeeke sends us."

5. "Beth maintains a copy of the blog on a mirror site. I only read THAT."

4. "I have the IQ of a spud. I don't know whether I read the blog or not."

3. "I just type random ugly and stupid comments about Christopher into the blog. I don't have to read it to do that."

2. "The Swami sends me the blog via thought casting."

And the Number 1 Explanation For NOT Reading the Blog is...

1. "One of my alters reads it to me. I just listen."

Monday, March 21, 2011

"Stalker Alert for Cindy!!!"

(Written 3/19/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

In the midst of her rant about me last night, Cindy entered this:

Cindy32863: Susan Goehlernichols

My thought then was WTF is that??? I just finished Googling it, and it turns out to be some poor 33-year-old gal in Jacksonville, FL whose only connection to me is apparently to have the misfortune to show up on one or more of those "detective wannabe" sites when you do a search on ME and my family. Lordy...

Sooooooooo, Cindy, did you buy Veromi's "comprehensive stalker" $39.95 package, or just the cheapo 24-hour membership? Did you also get the $20 "nationwide criminal records" upgrade? Care to detail exactly how much you're spending on STALKING me?

If you'd like, I can save you some time and money. I can send you the workup I did a few years ago on my family history. Oh, wait... investigating my entire family tree for all of the known history of the world might cost you too much time and $$$. Hmmm...

How about some snapshots of my family members and everyone I've ever known in my entire life? That 2 GB of data should keep you busy, busy, busy for several months!

Have you yet found the site that shows my records about being a member of the bar, my law school, etc.? It only took me three minutes to find it, but it's a "legal insiders" site. So if you get into your third hour trying to find it, just me know and I'll save you some time there.

How about my history with my fraternity as a chapter, local, regional, and national officer? If you find anything there, please let me know. I couldn't find anything.

But please keep digging up that poop on me. I love STALKERS!

And I think we all know you'll come up with a "perfectly innocent" reason for entering that name into the room. Let me save you the trouble. Just go with this:

Cindy32863: I don't know what Christopher is talking about. That name was supposed to be for an IM and I "accidentally" put it into the room. I was letting a friend know the name of my second cousin's older sister's college roommate's boyfriend's cleaning lady.

Friday, March 18, 2011

"Model Citizens Beth and Cindy"

(Written 3/16/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

HamOnWryX2: its just sad so much effort is expended on that
HamOnWryX2: I cant really imagine it being that important
Cindy32863: he really needs to get a hobby..go volunteer..something
HamOnWryX2: get out the house....do something
HamOnWryX2: he just needs to get out more...breathe fresh air...expand his little world
HamOnWryX2: get out of the yard

I've thought about this long and hard, and decided that I want to be just like Beth and Cindy! They are, after all, model citizens and darn near perfect!

So, effective immediately, I will start doing as many of the following as possible. This is all new territory for me, so any helpful suggestions by anyone will be greatly appreciated!

1. I will find a job! I'm not sure, however, just how many "work at home" jobs there are in Hagerspatch that allow you to take frequent, long breaks to yammer on AOL.

2. Their "get out of the yard" and "get a hobby" ideas seem to somehow conflict with my prodigious gardening efforts, so I'll quit all of that. Photography apparently doesn't count, either, so I'll drop that, too! Anyone needs lots of world-class photography or gardening equipment?

3. Ballroom dancing doesn't satisfy Beth's strict "breathe fresh air" mantra, so it's gone. Giving up gardening and landscape/flower photography shot in the ass my main fresh air/sunshine activities, so I'll need a replacement. Hmmm... just WTF do THEY do in that regard???

4. I'm a little unclear about the meaning of Beth/Cindy's vague "get out of the house" and "do something" rules. So I'll just follow their leads for now. First up will be going to an AOL Dive on Saturday nights to get "piss drunk." Sounds like fun!

5. My writing efforts obviously upset them, so I'll have to drop all forms of that hobby. So much for all those nice, creative articles, poems, etc., that everyone else loves! It seems that I have to replace those with far more hours each week mindlessly bashing people in the chat room. Uggghh... I'll have to figure out ways to say the same ugly things about people over and over and over for years on end. How do they DO that???

6. Worst of all--but obviously worth the cost--I'll have to dump all of my nice, mature adult friends and acquaintances and replace them with Yum Yums like Zeeke and the Zombies. But hey, then I can learn how to "tear up pussy" and we all know what a critical social skill THAT is!

7. Continuing my education is obviously worthless with Beth and Cindy, so I'll have to tank my plans for Diploma #7. Darn, I was sooooooooo hoping for 10 of them before I die. Maybe Cindy and Beth would accept me formally studying "How To Be a Chat Room Bully" or "Mindfucking." They seem to be VERY impressed by those. Oh... are there diplomas for those???

8. I'll also need to develop some new, vital chat room skills, like cursing, lying, rumor mongering, and just making up shit about people. I've heard that they're covered in depth in Zombie School, so I should be fine.

I know it'll be very hard work, but I aim to be a total Yum Yum a year from now! Wish me luck!

Monday, March 14, 2011

"Beth's... ummm... Recovered Memories"

(Written 3/13/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

I was trying to be nice, there.

For reason(s) unknown, Beth has recently been spewing personal attacks my way in the room. Most have been the usual references to the "musty golden oldie days" and other minor crap. When I didn't respond to those, she got desperate last night.

She dredged up some supposed memory about a comment I allegedly made on the blog more than a year ago about my computer knowledge. You can often measure desperation by remoteness in time, vagueness, lack of sense, and inability to provide proof.

But Beth's comments were also instructive for how Zeeke and the Zombies play their "mind fuck" games, and illustrate one primary reason I normally don't bother with responding to their stupidity. If you respond to them pointing out that they're wrong, they simply change their story and go on bashing! It's kinda like punching a large bag of dooty: the dooty just reforms itself, and still smells bad.

Here are the successive generations of Beth's allegation as I countered each one:

HamOnWryX2: yeah k2 who claims he knows nothing about computers when asked about stuff on the blog now is a techie
HamOnWryX2: i will concede that knowing how to wipe a drive isnt all that techie, hows that
HamOnWryX2: i'm sure its on the blog somewhere
HamOnWryX2: that you wouldn't know how to do anything with a blog, more or less
HamOnWryX2: i didn't say you were an expert nor did I say in comparison with ugly or anyone else
HamOnWryX2: okay that's nnot what we recall you saying, but whatev

So, Beth went from "he claims he knows nothing about computers" to "wouldn't know how to do anything with a blog" to "not an expert" to a huffy "not what we recall" in about five blazing minutes. And with nary a sign of intellectual whiplash!

Also, she was "remembering" a supposed comment of mine that was oh-so-conveniently deleted long ago when the old blog died. ("The old blog's been deleted? Oh good, he can't PROVE us wrong!")

Unfortunately for Beth and the others in her little clique, they face the harsh reality that I simply don't lie. So suggesting that I lie is a stupid tactic. And suggesting that I posted that I "know nothing about computers" makes just about zero sense. I've dealt with computers since 1965 forgawdsake, and know quite a bit about them. My knowledge of IT stuff is, of course, dwarfed by Ugly's.

They must also deal with their own histories. Beth, for example, suddenly "remembered" a few months ago that I am... ta da... "Jewish." When confronted with the truth, she immediately backed down presumably because she couldn't quickly think of a Plan B.

You may have noticed Beth's reference above to "not what *WE* recall" [emphasis added]. That relates to another tactic "they" use... the Gang Attack. They apparently believe that if two or more people say the same idiotic thing, it's somehow more believable. In this case, Cindy jumped in claiming that (with magical "total recall") she saw exactly the same comments by me. (She never clarified *which* version of the story Beth was "absolutely correct" about.)

In a side note, if you rely on an admitted liar and hater of your opponent for support of your memory, you're in deep poop.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

AOL Pharmacy





This was sent to me, and it settled a suspicion I've always had about Two Ton. I've heard a lot of rumors her apartment looks like a mini pharmacy with all the 'script bottles. Heard tales of her being in bed for days at a time, her yellow skin, and slurring on the phone. Could never understand her behavior until now, all the lies, stalking, threats of violence, delusions, etc.

Venous clots are formed due to one of two main reasons: 1) immobility, and 2) genetic errors in the clotting mechanism.

Immobility: Most commonly, when the body stops moving, the risk of blood clots increases, since muscle movement is required to pump blood towards the heart. Stagnant blood in a vein is prone to clot.

The American way is to live a life of luxury. Sit on your arse all day long, eating crap foods and not exercising at all and you'll get blood clots and all sorts of issues. Then pop a pill to make it all better, and blame anyone but yourself for your weight and health.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

"Smackdown: Bonnie vs. Zeeke"

(Written 3/8/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

Excitement has been peaking as the smackdown tonight between Zeeke and Bonnie has drawn near. Huge bets have been placed. The trash-talking is at fever pitch. The combatants have finished their training. The Ring Girls are prepped.

As fight time nears, let's take a few minutes to look back on the recent developments...

Negotiations

Initially it was thought that no one could pull this match off because of the obvious physical differences. (Because this article is fictional, I conveniently assumed that Bonnie's knees are fine.) Zeeke's 150-lb. weight advantage was thought to be way too much to overcome. But then someone (ahem...) came up with the idea of creative handicaps and compensations.

So, after much haggling, there are two offsets. First, Zeeke will be required to wear 5" Stripper Heels. And second, Bonnie can wield a steel shaft 5-iron. That brought the odds down to dead even.

And because they both have the lung capacity of the average 80-year-old, the bout was reduced to three 90-second rounds with two minutes between rounds. Oxygen will be readily available.

The Weigh-In

Although the weigh-in was the usual mishmash of posturing and trash talk, there were a couple of notable stats. Much to Zeeke's chagrin, the new stat of Body Mass Index (BMI) was added. Let's just say that too many mashed taters with butter gets you to "morbidly obese" in a flash.

Also, Bonnie was surprisingly trim, indicating that she had done some serious training.

The Forum

The parking lot at Remingtons night club was chosen even though it's Zeeke's "home." Bonnie agreed figuring it was more likely to lead to Zeeke being "piss drunk" for the fight.

The crowd began to form around the make-shift ring 30 minutes before the 9 p.m. start. Zeeke's side (all 7 of them) was clustered around his corner as were Bonnie's to hers. The other 150 spectators (50 AOLers who didn't give a crap who wins but were there for the FREE BEER, and 100 random Remingtons drunks) were scattered nearby.

Shortly before 9, Zeeke came wobbling out of the bar area, looking rather unsteady on the pink Stripper Heels but resplendent in jeans, sneaks, and a green muscle shirt. Bonnie wore no-nonsense shorts, tank top, and steel-toe worker boots.

The crowd was rather unruly, cursed loudly, and had repeatedly toasted random events for the prior 30 minutes.

Final Comments

Zeeke: "I'm gonna kick the @#$$% out of the God@#$^ Bi@#$&."

Bonnie: "I'm gonna shove this 5-Iron up his ass."

In the Ring

The fighters snarled a bit at each other, but they both forgot about the "stare down." So, the crowd booed because the stare down is often the best part of such fights.

The referee read the list of the rules: "There are no rules." The fighters returned to their corners.

Ring Girl #1 (Beth) sauntered around the ring in her spanking new cheerleader outfit. (Sorry about the spanking imagery. Oh wait... no, I'm not sorry. She could use a good one.)

Round #1

At the bell, Zeeke's strategy quickly became clear. He was planning on bull charging Bonnie and flattening her like a pancake.

But alas, Zeeke hadn't practiced at all in his Stripper Heels. (And possibly, they're not built for his kind of bulk.) So, with his second step, a heel gave way, throwing Zeeke off balance into a headfirst dive, then a roll ending up with him spread-eagled at Bonnie's feet. Well, la te da, she thought as she slammed a steel toe into his nads.

Zeeke spent the rest of the first round curled into a fetal ball crying for his momma. The Guys in the audience all had their legs tightly crossed with their hands covering their laps.

Bonnie circled Zeeke warily figuring he was probably just playing his "mind fuck" game. Trust me, he wasn't.

Round 1 Result: Bonnie the clear winner.

Round #2

Ring Girl #2 RedSkyBay was quite the sight in a lovely and skimpy minidress, but many were disappointed by her *still* keeping her face covered.

Zeeke came out of his corner slowly *this* time, wearing a heavy cod piece over his jeans but still jerking apprehensively every time Bonnie feinted in that direction.

They circled each other most of the round, with Bonnie twirling the 5-iron menacingly while derisively taunting Zeeke with, "Whatsamatter, Da Nuts hurting??? HAHAHAHA!" Zeeke, while still in obvious pain, was mostly trying to figure out to semi-walk on one Stripper Heel.

The crowd started booing at the inactivity about a minute into the round. Zeeke responded by knocking Bonnie down with a surprisingly well executed slide up side kick. But he was unable to take advantage before the bell rang to end the round.

Round 2 Result: Zeeke the clear winner.

Round #3

Eyore was a splendid vision as Ring Girl #3 in a stunning mix & match bikini off the pages of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

The crowd was yelling a mix, too, of boos, catcalls, "More Beer!" and various Yo' Momma jokes.

Both fighters were very intense as the final round started, and clearly wanted not only to win the fight but to crush the other. Zeeke was moving better, but still clearly bothered by what appeared to be a sprained ankle. Bonnie was huffing and puffing a bit from waving the 5-iron around.

Zeeke started the action by ducking under the 5-iron and putting a furious block into Bonnie's left side knocking her into the ropes and onto the canvas. Zeeke celebrated by climbing the ropes and regaling his 7 fans with obligatory chest thumping. That caused a fair amount of wheezing, and he also failed to notice that Bonnie was faking it.

Bonnie jumped up and crushed the side of Zeeke's knee with a solid blow of the head of the 5-iron. He fell off of the ropes howling in pain. As Zeeke tried to stand up, Bonnie raked his face with her tough, sharpened fingernails. Being bloodied and bowed seemed to only make Zeeke madder.

Zeeke blindly reached out and happened to grab one of Bonnie's ankles. He yanked on it, flipping her backwards onto the canvas. Zeeke jumped on top of her and sat on her chest, pinning her arms with his knees. Thinking he could now pound Bonnie senseless, he reached way back to launch a devastating blow and then...

DING DING DING

Soooooo,who won???

Thursday, March 3, 2011

"Lifelong Friendships"

(Written 3/1/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

As I pondered joining my fraternity 44 years ago, the phrase "Lifelong Friendships" barely even entered my thoughts. The brothers had heavily promoted it to us, but I was--like most 19-year-old guys living far from home--mulling over the much more important factors of beer, women, sports, parties, more women, etc.

But this past Saturday night, I was at my fraternity's annual dinner in Newark, DE after an absence of a few years. And after nearly a lifetime in it, the phrase now has great meaning to me.

I was always very involved in my fraternity beyond the parties and such. I met my first true love thru it... Cheryl. It gave me a good background for the job world. And I met so many good men. One of them is in the picture below on the right, with me, taken Saturday night.

Erv was a year younger, and from "lower, slower" Delaware. Despite our many differences, we became good friends. When I became President of the chapter, he was my treasurer and we both worked tirelessly at it. (He still calls me "my president," which always chokes me up a bit.) We worked closely together over the years on the fraternity including: attending a national convention in Vail, CO and regional ones (I was the District President); reforming the chapter when it had some serious problems; and serving on the house corporation to provide them with good housing and on the alumni association to raise funds.

We otherwise traveled entirely different paths in life. I was gallivanting all over the place looking for Idontknowwhat, while Erv stayed home in Delaware. He married his fraternity sweetheart, raised two wonderful kids, and established a good career in accounting. Erv has always been a good and decent man, and worked hard at life. That's the best thing I can say about another man.

Over the last couple of decades, he's been more closely-connected to the fraternity. But until a few years ago we've always gotten together at least a couple of times a year for fishing trips, golf, dinners, or just visits here and there.

And like Saturday night, we always catch up on family, the fraternity, each other, and much else. And we fondly recall the many memories we share...

For reasons I've never understood, I've always needed people in my life who can tell me I'm a good man despite whatever others say and whatever happens in my life. Within AOL World, for example, it's often been great women like Lady Exec and Ladyhawg (and even at one time, Beth). And until they died, it was Mom and my real brother.

But since I was 20, it's also always been Erv and a couple of the other fraternity brothers I've been privileged to know as "brothers in the bonds" who have served that role. I guess that's what "lifelong friendships" really mean and why my fraternity has always been so important to me...