"Just Shoot Me If..."
(Written 8/29/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)
Just shoot me if I ever get THIS addicted to AOL:
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Just shoot me if
"Just Shoot Me If..."
(Written 8/29/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)
Just shoot me if I ever get THIS addicted to AOL:
Saturday, August 27, 2011
"Early Spring is Gone, But Hooray for What Came Next"
(Written 8-19-11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)
I wrote earlier about the difficulties of finding flowering plants for early spring, and ballyhooed bulbs for that. Today I'll discuss some of the glorious plants of late spring and early summer, which is most everyone's favorite gardening season.
Annuals
Annuals are one of our favorite plants, judging by the numbers sold at the nurseries I frequent. Their flowers generally last until fall, and come in a huge variety of shapes, sizes, and colors.
I continue a tradition Mom and I did for 20+ years by buying and planting a whole lot (81 this year) of annuals on Mother's Day. But you can buy them any time after May 1st or so. I buy a dozen types, and a few of them are highlighted below. But all kinds are easy to plant and grow quickly IF you water and feed them regularly. Just match them with your levels of sunlight and buy what you like!
The Flossflo
wer below develops into a 12" ball of gorgeous, small, blue, aster-like puffy flowers. Here you see it sited in one of my main uses of annuals, to fill in around a shrub that still has a few years to grow.
Next is a colorful Sun Coleus. Coleuses are normally a shade plant, but this one has been bred to tolerate a lot of sun. It's a bit finicky (thirsty), but its amazing foliage more than compensates. Here, I have it partially-hidden behind a bird bath.
It'll grow almost 2' tall, and a foot wide.
The Marigold is a garden staple, mainly because it's very hearty and grows REALLY fast. Mine guickly outgrew their projected 18" by 18" size, and thus merged into pretty globs of yellow, orange, and red. I have about 15 of them surrounding what will beco
I wrote earlier about the difficulties of finding flowering plants for early spring, and ballyhooed bulbs for that. Today I'll discuss some of the glorious plants of late spring and early summer, which is most everyone's favorite gardening season.
Annuals
Annuals are one of our favorite plants, judging by the numbers sold at the nurseries I frequent. Their flowers generally last until fall, and come in a huge variety of shapes, sizes, and colors.
I continue a tradition Mom and I did for 20+ years by buying and planting a whole lot (81 this year) of annuals on Mother's Day. But you can buy them any time after May 1st or so. I buy a dozen types, and a few of them are highlighted below. But all kinds are easy to plant and grow quickly IF you water and feed them regularly. Just match them with your levels of sunlight and buy what you like!
The Flossflo
wer below develops into a 12" ball of gorgeous, small, blue, aster-like puffy flowers. Here you see it sited in one of my main uses of annuals, to fill in around a shrub that still has a few years to grow.
Next is a colorful Sun Coleus. Coleuses are normally a shade plant, but this one has been bred to tolerate a lot of sun. It's a bit finicky (thirsty), but its amazing foliage more than compensates. Here, I have it partially-hidden behind a bird bath.
It'll grow almost 2' tall, and a foot wide.
The Marigold is a garden staple, mainly because it's very hearty and grows REALLY fast. Mine guickly outgrew their projected 18" by 18" size, and thus merged into pretty globs of yellow, orange, and red. I have about 15 of them surrounding what will beco
me a large Kerria shrub.
Perennials
There's a large selection of delightful perennials that start flowering in early June and keep on blooming to about Labor Day. They're a bit trickier to plant than most types, but the instructions that come with them are usually fine IF followed exactly. I add manure and compost to most, and then water them religiously for a full year. Most will peak in their third year, and can then be divided and passed around to your friends or planted elsewhere.
I love my Blanket Flowers! The one below is smaller than most at 18" by 18". Given its wonderful "warm" colors, compact size, and long flowering season, it's ideal for the front of beds, along sidewalks, and anywhere people can kneel down and admire it. The one below is an 'Arizona Sun' cultivar and is nestled in front of a large, dark purple Barberry shrub along the front of my parking lot.
Many gardeners have several of the Coreopsis (a 'Moonbeam' below) to provide a bright yellow accent. The flowers are rather small and boring up close, though. They're generally about 18" high and 24" wide. I've sandwiched one here near beside my shed between two deep blue Plumbagos and in front of a large, plain green shrub. I like contrast! LOL
The Kalimeris ('Blue Star') below is what I call a "spot" plant. You can stick it anywhere you have a small opening because it only gets about 12-15" high and wide. Here it's plopped between two tall, thin grasses. You could also plant a bunch of them together in groups, rows, or other arrangements. It's a cousin to the much bigger Aster, with pretty baby blue flowers with bright yellow centers.
Lastly, the Black-eyed Susan, the State Flower of Maryland. So, every garden MUST have a few BY LAW. LOL They look best planted in large groups. Here, I have four of them in a curved row surrounding what will eventually be a large Osmanthus ('Goshiki') shrub. Be careful because they often DO get larger than advertised. These, in only their second year, are already about 2 1/2' wide and almost 3 1/2' tall.
Perennials
There's a large selection of delightful perennials that start flowering in early June and keep on blooming to about Labor Day. They're a bit trickier to plant than most types, but the instructions that come with them are usually fine IF followed exactly. I add manure and compost to most, and then water them religiously for a full year. Most will peak in their third year, and can then be divided and passed around to your friends or planted elsewhere.
I love my Blanket Flowers! The one below is smaller than most at 18" by 18". Given its wonderful "warm" colors, compact size, and long flowering season, it's ideal for the front of beds, along sidewalks, and anywhere people can kneel down and admire it. The one below is an 'Arizona Sun' cultivar and is nestled in front of a large, dark purple Barberry shrub along the front of my parking lot.
Many gardeners have several of the Coreopsis (a 'Moonbeam' below) to provide a bright yellow accent. The flowers are rather small and boring up close, though. They're generally about 18" high and 24" wide. I've sandwiched one here near beside my shed between two deep blue Plumbagos and in front of a large, plain green shrub. I like contrast! LOL
The Kalimeris ('Blue Star') below is what I call a "spot" plant. You can stick it anywhere you have a small opening because it only gets about 12-15" high and wide. Here it's plopped between two tall, thin grasses. You could also plant a bunch of them together in groups, rows, or other arrangements. It's a cousin to the much bigger Aster, with pretty baby blue flowers with bright yellow centers.
Lastly, the Black-eyed Susan, the State Flower of Maryland. So, every garden MUST have a few BY LAW. LOL They look best planted in large groups. Here, I have four of them in a curved row surrounding what will eventually be a large Osmanthus ('Goshiki') shrub. Be careful because they often DO get larger than advertised. These, in only their second year, are already about 2 1/2' wide and almost 3 1/2' tall.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The ghost in my house
My wife is demanding a new house. You'd think a 5,000 plus square foot house with a four car garage, in-house pool, tennis courts, and so on with a 50 acre spread would please a woman. Especially given she doesn't have to lift a finger in the house. We have two live-in maids.
A few months ago Fric started telling me "Roger" was coming to see him at night. We wasted no time at all taking him to Dr. Whacky. Who jotted out a cocktail of meds for my son and sent us on our merry way. We poured into books on schizophrenia and called up relative after relative asking if that weird Aunt or eccentric Uncle ever talked about Rogers. We joined the National Association of Mental Illness local goon squad and attended a couple seminars at S'Pratt.
It was tough accepting my son may be a whack job more than our good friend Cindy. Very tough. For at least two weeks I walked inner city streets and tried to understand all this. I spent many days talking to odd individuals who were having duologues; one where they may hear me address them but meanshile too busy having othrer conversations, even if no one else was present.
We took him to Kennedy Kreiger who did a full work up on him, including a brain scan. They pronounced him sane and said he had an overactive imagination. So, we took him home and no longer allowed an extra chair for Roger at the dinner table.
A few months later, Monica calls me up at work to tell me Frac had told a teacher that Roger came to school with him. The teacher, assuming there was a lost child, called Monica. A full school search began for this missing child, with Frac constantly pointing at blank targets and saying, "he's right there." My son was Baker Acted that night.
Desperate for answers now, Monica went to Fric and allowed him to talk about Roger. Who was a child of a local Millworker killed at 11 by log falling on him. Monica, clearly spooked now, went to the local library and asked a librarian for assistance looking up a child's death in 1933. Sure enough, there was a death on record of a Roger Rhodes, killed by a heavy branch fallen on him.
Within days, my dear wife was communicating with Roger as well. I began coming home every night and hearing three formerly sane people having full length conversations with this "Roger." I called in Ghostbusters. I called in a psychic. I had a full square psychiatric intervention on my wife. Finally, a pedophilic Catholic priest came. Little did Monica know he took money under the table.
Within days I had my wife and children back, only now we're living a hotel until we find another dig. No real estate agent around will touch our house, so this will be costly. William Blatty would be proud of the tale this priest weaved. How Roger is really "Legion" and he was beginning a friendship with one way to hell.
Boo.
A few months ago Fric started telling me "Roger" was coming to see him at night. We wasted no time at all taking him to Dr. Whacky. Who jotted out a cocktail of meds for my son and sent us on our merry way. We poured into books on schizophrenia and called up relative after relative asking if that weird Aunt or eccentric Uncle ever talked about Rogers. We joined the National Association of Mental Illness local goon squad and attended a couple seminars at S'Pratt.
It was tough accepting my son may be a whack job more than our good friend Cindy. Very tough. For at least two weeks I walked inner city streets and tried to understand all this. I spent many days talking to odd individuals who were having duologues; one where they may hear me address them but meanshile too busy having othrer conversations, even if no one else was present.
We took him to Kennedy Kreiger who did a full work up on him, including a brain scan. They pronounced him sane and said he had an overactive imagination. So, we took him home and no longer allowed an extra chair for Roger at the dinner table.
A few months later, Monica calls me up at work to tell me Frac had told a teacher that Roger came to school with him. The teacher, assuming there was a lost child, called Monica. A full school search began for this missing child, with Frac constantly pointing at blank targets and saying, "he's right there." My son was Baker Acted that night.
Desperate for answers now, Monica went to Fric and allowed him to talk about Roger. Who was a child of a local Millworker killed at 11 by log falling on him. Monica, clearly spooked now, went to the local library and asked a librarian for assistance looking up a child's death in 1933. Sure enough, there was a death on record of a Roger Rhodes, killed by a heavy branch fallen on him.
Within days, my dear wife was communicating with Roger as well. I began coming home every night and hearing three formerly sane people having full length conversations with this "Roger." I called in Ghostbusters. I called in a psychic. I had a full square psychiatric intervention on my wife. Finally, a pedophilic Catholic priest came. Little did Monica know he took money under the table.
Within days I had my wife and children back, only now we're living a hotel until we find another dig. No real estate agent around will touch our house, so this will be costly. William Blatty would be proud of the tale this priest weaved. How Roger is really "Legion" and he was beginning a friendship with one way to hell.
Boo.
Friday, August 12, 2011
A new blog for nice Marylanders
Yes, the rumors you've heard ARE true. I've started a new blog!
It's Nice Marylanders Over 35. And as its description says, it's "A Blog for the Nice Folks in AOL's Marylanders Over 35 Chat Room."
So, it'll be ugliness and drama free! Which means, among other things, that there will be no Anonymous comments allowed.
Another key feature is that each of you will be an "author" and thus free to post your own articles! Bonnie has already posted an article on the blog with details of how to do so.
I also hope that it'll be a lot more than just long articles by me. (Although I do encourage any and all articles by anyone.) I'd like it to be more like the old message boards: a place for posting announcements (births, marriages, graduations, awards, etc.); asking for help (from our many experts in law, medicine, cooking, mechanical stuff, etc.); exchanging recipes and such; jokes; stories; and the other stuff of normal living.
For now I've set it up so anyone can read it, but my approval of comments is required (mainly to keep out the Idiots). I'll probably eventually close it off to the public. So, Blogger will soon be sending you an email asking you to register with the blog. It requires prior registration with Google or Blogger. Both are a minor hassle... sorry about that. Note that AOL often dumps email from Blogger into your spam folder.
I "white list" for email and each of you has been added to my mail controls. If you change your email address or want to add one, just let me know. Ditto for anyone you wish to refer to the blog. My IMs remain open to anyone (except a few dunderheads).
I hope you both enjoy reading and participating in the new blog...
Christopher
It's Nice Marylanders Over 35. And as its description says, it's "A Blog for the Nice Folks in AOL's Marylanders Over 35 Chat Room."
So, it'll be ugliness and drama free! Which means, among other things, that there will be no Anonymous comments allowed.
Another key feature is that each of you will be an "author" and thus free to post your own articles! Bonnie has already posted an article on the blog with details of how to do so.
I also hope that it'll be a lot more than just long articles by me. (Although I do encourage any and all articles by anyone.) I'd like it to be more like the old message boards: a place for posting announcements (births, marriages, graduations, awards, etc.); asking for help (from our many experts in law, medicine, cooking, mechanical stuff, etc.); exchanging recipes and such; jokes; stories; and the other stuff of normal living.
For now I've set it up so anyone can read it, but my approval of comments is required (mainly to keep out the Idiots). I'll probably eventually close it off to the public. So, Blogger will soon be sending you an email asking you to register with the blog. It requires prior registration with Google or Blogger. Both are a minor hassle... sorry about that. Note that AOL often dumps email from Blogger into your spam folder.
I "white list" for email and each of you has been added to my mail controls. If you change your email address or want to add one, just let me know. Ditto for anyone you wish to refer to the blog. My IMs remain open to anyone (except a few dunderheads).
I hope you both enjoy reading and participating in the new blog...
Christopher
Sunday, August 7, 2011
"Zeeke's Triumphant Return!"
(Written 8/3/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders blog)
Well, not so much...
When Zeeke first noticed that AOL had closed all the chat rooms Tuesday morning, he cursed a bit that his ISP had booted him while he was out for a few hours getting "piss drunk" and "tearing up pussy." But, according to my sources deep within Zombie World, much worse was coming...
He quickly found out that Bonnie had beaten Pantry to the Over 35 room bolt by a few seconds. But far worse, Bonnie had later turned the bolt back over to ME.
Facing another couple of months without the bolt he desperately craves, Zeeke began screaming, "The Hepwhore stole MY bolt and gave MY bolt to Gurlyfag!!!"
His mother, alas, was in the other room and tried to calm Zeeke down. But by then he was on the floor pounding his fists, screaming, turning unpleasant shades of red and blue, and gasping for air. His mom got so concerned she called 911.
Because I'm not the type to reveal confidential medical information, let's just say that after 24 hours of emergency treatment Zeeke is now a VERY mellow guy. And you didn't hear it here, BUT... his 12-step meetings for AOL Addiction are every Tuesday and Thursday at the Frederick Community Center at 9 p.m.
As you can see from this print screen, Zeeke returned to his room earlier today. Ham had put out a LOT of publicity about it, but the results are clear.
MAFIA and Muddy were, of course, nowhere near their computers. Pantry was scared to say anything after Bonnie beat her to the bolt for the Over 35 room. And Ham gave Zeeke a nice Air Hug and went back to an IM with her boss.
But Zeeke shouldn't have been surprised. His rapidly-emptying room has only averaged *9* SNs in it since the rooms reset. Perhaps it'll increase later in the week when several of the Permanent Campers <> who only chat once in a blue moon return.
OR... maybe some people are beginning to realize that hatred of others isn't a good enough common factor for a chat room, that Zeeke and the Zombies are really rather disgusting people, and so they moved on when Zeeke wasn't around to whip them into yet another frenzy.
Poor, poor Zeeke...
Well, not so much...
When Zeeke first noticed that AOL had closed all the chat rooms Tuesday morning, he cursed a bit that his ISP had booted him while he was out for a few hours getting "piss drunk" and "tearing up pussy." But, according to my sources deep within Zombie World, much worse was coming...
He quickly found out that Bonnie had beaten Pantry to the Over 35 room bolt by a few seconds. But far worse, Bonnie had later turned the bolt back over to ME.
Facing another couple of months without the bolt he desperately craves, Zeeke began screaming, "The Hepwhore stole MY bolt and gave MY bolt to Gurlyfag!!!"
His mother, alas, was in the other room and tried to calm Zeeke down. But by then he was on the floor pounding his fists, screaming, turning unpleasant shades of red and blue, and gasping for air. His mom got so concerned she called 911.
Because I'm not the type to reveal confidential medical information, let's just say that after 24 hours of emergency treatment Zeeke is now a VERY mellow guy. And you didn't hear it here, BUT... his 12-step meetings for AOL Addiction are every Tuesday and Thursday at the Frederick Community Center at 9 p.m.
As you can see from this print screen, Zeeke returned to his room earlier today. Ham had put out a LOT of publicity about it, but the results are clear.
MAFIA and Muddy were, of course, nowhere near their computers. Pantry was scared to say anything after Bonnie beat her to the bolt for the Over 35 room. And Ham gave Zeeke a nice Air Hug and went back to an IM with her boss.
But Zeeke shouldn't have been surprised. His rapidly-emptying room has only averaged *9* SNs in it since the rooms reset. Perhaps it'll increase later in the week when several of the Permanent Campers <
OR... maybe some people are beginning to realize that hatred of others isn't a good enough common factor for a chat room, that Zeeke and the Zombies are really rather disgusting people, and so they moved on when Zeeke wasn't around to whip them into yet another frenzy.
Poor, poor Zeeke...
Monday, August 1, 2011
"Major vs. Minor Stupidity"
(Written by ChristopherK2 8/1/11 for the Uglier Marylanders blog)
An old saying goes something like, "We are all stupid for five minutes a day. Wisdom consists of not exceeding that limit."
I've always thought that a bit simplistic because it doesn't distinguish between levels of stupidity. Shouldn't a major stupidity count, say, five times as much as a minor one?
I'm sure you're asking yourself... Minor? Major? Huh?
Examples of minor stupidities include spilling bleach on a shirt, arriving at work two hours late just for giggles, putting salt in your freshwater fish tank, and lusting after one of Zeeke's Zombies.
Pretty bad, huh? But there's worse, FAR worse, my friends. Here's the sad, sad story of my most recent Major Stupidity.
My fiancee, Pamela, and I were about to head to the local swimming pool for the afternoon. She came out of the bathroom dressed in a lovely new two-piece swimming suit. She twirled to model it and asked me those words every guy dreads hearing, "Does this make my ass look fat?"
I thought back to how well I was prepared for this moment, all the training over my life from various women, the long discussions about it with other men, and...
Then she said "Well???" Apparently I had been fondly recalling my preparations without ever actually saying the word, and was just sitting there with that Dead Trout Look. I quickly blurted out "NO!!!" But it was way too late; I was toast.
Her quick "That's IT??? Just a 'No'?" started me sweating heavily.
At this point I was only in Minor Stupidity territory. But I then forgot another old adage ("When you've dug yourself into a hole, the first rule is 'Stop Digging'"). So I quickly moved into Major Stupidity level.
When under stress, I often go into Hyperbole Mode. So I spewed out, "Sorry dear, I was just mesmerized by your mounting glory of a derriere."
I might as well have kicked her dog. She went into THAT look that says "You ain't getting ANY anytime soon!" and snarled, "You think my ass looks like a Mounting Glory?!?!?!?"
In hindsight, it was really a lot like watching Eddie Murray go after a high fast ball. But at the time, I had other concerns. I had nowhere to go and nothing worthwhile to say. So I apologized profusely and promised to buy her some very expensive chocolate.
We eventually made it to the swimming pool and just to rub my nose in it, every time she headed to the diving board--as she walked away--she wiggled her butt a bit and tugged the bottom of her suit over the non-existent flab.
She's a size 6-8 and so has a delightful butt. And I'm sometimes Majorly Stupid.
I would, however, appreciate any help y'all can provide. It would be great if each of you emailed her at PamelasAssDoesNOTLookFatInThat@aol.com with some kind words. And Guys, please add something disgusting like "I want to do you right HERE, right NOW" so I look like comparatively less of a pig. Thanks...
Oh, and I have the same question for y'all that Pamela had for me on the way home from the pool: What the heck is a "mounting glory"??? I hate it when random neurons fire in the deep recesses of my brain.
An old saying goes something like, "We are all stupid for five minutes a day. Wisdom consists of not exceeding that limit."
I've always thought that a bit simplistic because it doesn't distinguish between levels of stupidity. Shouldn't a major stupidity count, say, five times as much as a minor one?
I'm sure you're asking yourself... Minor? Major? Huh?
Examples of minor stupidities include spilling bleach on a shirt, arriving at work two hours late just for giggles, putting salt in your freshwater fish tank, and lusting after one of Zeeke's Zombies.
Pretty bad, huh? But there's worse, FAR worse, my friends. Here's the sad, sad story of my most recent Major Stupidity.
My fiancee, Pamela, and I were about to head to the local swimming pool for the afternoon. She came out of the bathroom dressed in a lovely new two-piece swimming suit. She twirled to model it and asked me those words every guy dreads hearing, "Does this make my ass look fat?"
I thought back to how well I was prepared for this moment, all the training over my life from various women, the long discussions about it with other men, and...
Then she said "Well???" Apparently I had been fondly recalling my preparations without ever actually saying the word, and was just sitting there with that Dead Trout Look. I quickly blurted out "NO!!!" But it was way too late; I was toast.
Her quick "That's IT??? Just a 'No'?" started me sweating heavily.
At this point I was only in Minor Stupidity territory. But I then forgot another old adage ("When you've dug yourself into a hole, the first rule is 'Stop Digging'"). So I quickly moved into Major Stupidity level.
When under stress, I often go into Hyperbole Mode. So I spewed out, "Sorry dear, I was just mesmerized by your mounting glory of a derriere."
I might as well have kicked her dog. She went into THAT look that says "You ain't getting ANY anytime soon!" and snarled, "You think my ass looks like a Mounting Glory?!?!?!?"
In hindsight, it was really a lot like watching Eddie Murray go after a high fast ball. But at the time, I had other concerns. I had nowhere to go and nothing worthwhile to say. So I apologized profusely and promised to buy her some very expensive chocolate.
We eventually made it to the swimming pool and just to rub my nose in it, every time she headed to the diving board--as she walked away--she wiggled her butt a bit and tugged the bottom of her suit over the non-existent flab.
She's a size 6-8 and so has a delightful butt. And I'm sometimes Majorly Stupid.
I would, however, appreciate any help y'all can provide. It would be great if each of you emailed her at PamelasAssDoesNOTLookFatInThat@aol.com with some kind words. And Guys, please add something disgusting like "I want to do you right HERE, right NOW" so I look like comparatively less of a pig. Thanks...
Oh, and I have the same question for y'all that Pamela had for me on the way home from the pool: What the heck is a "mounting glory"??? I hate it when random neurons fire in the deep recesses of my brain.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)