"Okay, So I Was WRONG About Farts!"

*The Uglies apologize that it took two weeks to post this. This is our busy time at work right now.

 

(Written 11/10/12 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers blog)
 

Yeah, I occasionally give friends sound advice about virtually EVERYTHING. And I *thought* I was a world-class expert about Farts. But apparently NOT.
 

The particular issue was Backed Up Farts. As some of you know, I sometimes sleep in my recliner chair owing to a 40+ year battle with a hiatal hernia. If I feel even slightly too full as bedtime approaches, sitting in the chair is far less likely to cause further damage than laying in a bed.
 

And I had noticed over the years that sleeping in the chair inevitably led to a rather large amount of farting shortly after waking. My working theory was that sitting tended to just kinda stop up things, as contrasted with what I *assumed* was the normal slow "passing of gas" throughout a night spent in a bed. I recently so advised a friend who's going thru a temporary forced sitting rather than laying situation to be aware of the dreaded Backed Up Farts.

 

I thought only later that I really should check the Science of Farts before passing on my advice based purely on personal experience. So, I did my usual super-scientific research and found that < gasp> I was totally WRONG. I was mortified (but not enough to update my friend... well, unless she happens to read this). I glommed onto a site via Google that seemed purely scientific and on point ("Facts on Farts" at www.heptune.com/farts.html).
 

It is the end-all-and-be-all of All Things Farts. It has fascinating sections on "What is fart gas made of?," "Why are stinky farts generally warmer and quieter than regular farts?," and my fav, "Where do farts go when you hold them in?"

 

But I digress... The answer to my question was in the section on "Do ALL people fart in their sleep?" The complete answer is, "All people (don't) fart in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to fart when they're awake do so as they're dozing off. For other [normal] people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumulates in the night and they vent it upon awakening."

 

So, near as I can tell, when I sleep in my bed, I apparently fart uncontrollably as I fall asleep and thus there is nothing left for early a.m. Backed Up Farts. (I'll be sure to soon ask Pamela to verify my Bedtime Farting Schedule.) But when I sleep in my recliner chair, I follow the normal routine (perhaps I subconsciously don't want to slowly destroy the chair's fabric over time with close-up, direct Bedtime Farting), so I hold the farts in til I awaken.