I originally wrote this 4/14/98 as my first submission to the old Creative Weirdo Convention message board. It was one of several creative writing forums AOL had back in the day.
I've always liked the article; it still makes me laugh. And I think it was one of my best creative writing efforts. It was actually fact-based, written after I spent way too long one day cleaning the gunk out of my microwave. The forum wanted "weird," so I gave them weird. They liked it.
"A New Life Form?"
Today I did my semiannual cleaning of the microwave.
I've been on a Cheerios-and-pizza (Domino's--med. hand tossed with ham, pineapple and mushroom) only diet for a couple of months, and thus have nuked pizza every other day. As bits of mushroom and pineapple have fallen off, I've swatted them into the corners.
They had kinda formed neat little piles of hardening and decaying food groups there, but apparently something more has been going on. As I hand-swept the piles out, I noticed that one pile was still rather warm. I dimly recall spilling some cocoa in that area. I carefully culled the various pieces of now-barely-identifiable matter, and noticed that one was a combination grayish brown/yellow.
It appears to be fused pieces of pineapple and mushroom, almost artistically interlaced. It remains warm to the touch, and has a barely perceptible vibration to it. (A low-frequency mating call, perhaps?) It has no noticeable odor (but this is allergy season and my nose is pretty much blocked). It hasn't hardened nearly as much as the others and, in fact, has roughly the same resiliency as a Gummy Bear.
I called the local Domino's to discuss it. (Is this a common occurrence? Does it have any special HazMat disposal requirements? etc.) I was quickly kicked up to the General Counsel's Office of Domino's International. One of their Harvard Boys (*My* law diploma has a MUCH longer name on it, so take THAT, Harvard Boy!) offered me a small fortune to hush this up.
No WAY!!! I see the Big Bucks being handed out on Oprah, et al, and this is my chance at the lotto.
I guess my remaining questions are: can this THING survive outside of the microwave? And if so, can I train it to do cutesy tricks?
I've always liked the article; it still makes me laugh. And I think it was one of my best creative writing efforts. It was actually fact-based, written after I spent way too long one day cleaning the gunk out of my microwave. The forum wanted "weird," so I gave them weird. They liked it.
"A New Life Form?"
Today I did my semiannual cleaning of the microwave.
I've been on a Cheerios-and-pizza (Domino's--med. hand tossed with ham, pineapple and mushroom) only diet for a couple of months, and thus have nuked pizza every other day. As bits of mushroom and pineapple have fallen off, I've swatted them into the corners.
They had kinda formed neat little piles of hardening and decaying food groups there, but apparently something more has been going on. As I hand-swept the piles out, I noticed that one pile was still rather warm. I dimly recall spilling some cocoa in that area. I carefully culled the various pieces of now-barely-identifiable matter, and noticed that one was a combination grayish brown/yellow.
It appears to be fused pieces of pineapple and mushroom, almost artistically interlaced. It remains warm to the touch, and has a barely perceptible vibration to it. (A low-frequency mating call, perhaps?) It has no noticeable odor (but this is allergy season and my nose is pretty much blocked). It hasn't hardened nearly as much as the others and, in fact, has roughly the same resiliency as a Gummy Bear.
I called the local Domino's to discuss it. (Is this a common occurrence? Does it have any special HazMat disposal requirements? etc.) I was quickly kicked up to the General Counsel's Office of Domino's International. One of their Harvard Boys (*My* law diploma has a MUCH longer name on it, so take THAT, Harvard Boy!) offered me a small fortune to hush this up.
No WAY!!! I see the Big Bucks being handed out on Oprah, et al, and this is my chance at the lotto.
I guess my remaining questions are: can this THING survive outside of the microwave? And if so, can I train it to do cutesy tricks?
Deb here. Chris I liked the article. Very entertaining. I was imagining the whole situation in my mind and the look on your face. You have rubber gloves on and wondering what to do next. lolol. Great writing. Keep it up.
ReplyDeleteThis is stupid. Sounds like a 10 year old writing
ReplyDeleteReally that's why I only read Ask Zeek
ReplyDeleteCindy the instigator at it again.
ReplyDeleteCindy32863: BonniesbackUazz: because Rose ruined the virginia room
Cindy32863: I showed Rose exactly what you said
Cindy32863: so what?
Cindy32863: gonna lie on my friend..I'm going to tell her
Fatass Cindy, Fatboy Robert Casey, Ugly ho ho Rosie, Billy "frogface" Zeeke, Old hag Nanci Marie, Lardass Lynnzy...the list goes on and on and it's a real snoozer.
ReplyDeleteSo fatass Cindy? Go fuck yourself... you lie and lie maybe you should give up the hohos and quit stuffing them down your face, not to be confused with Rosie ho ho. I hear Jenny Craig is running specials this week. Why don't you give it a try........
Cindy needs to overdose
ReplyDelete<< I liked the article. Very entertaining. I was imagining the whole situation in my mind and the look on your face. You have rubber gloves on and wondering what to do next. lolol. Great writing. >> Deb
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you enjoyed it. It was a blast to write. I just had to release my Inner Weirdo.
<< Sounds like a 10 year old writing >>
ReplyDeleteActually, I wrote it exactly 13 years ago as of today.
BTW, I don't expect you to "get" that response.
<< Really that's why I only read Ask Zeek >>
ReplyDeleteYour first comment was merely filled with atrocious grammar and word choice. The one above is merely stupid. Put them together and you're on the tail end of the stupid, stupider, stupidest series.
You are, however, special. Because you also won't be able to figure out *why* your second statement is stupid, we'll have to move you to that new category created by your fearless leader. You are now officially "stoopit." Congrats!
K2 likes bois
ReplyDeleteChristopher, I love your writings, you have the gift of wit.............I not only am laughing at the article but, I am also laughing at your response to 5:44PM's post.....I love it!
ReplyDeleteDicks are for chicks K2
ReplyDeleteBonniesbackUazz: and I care aboiut everyone until.......they give me a reason not to
ReplyDeleteTheZeekEffect: spam would sell her soul for a 5th of cheap vodka
BonniesbackUazz: yep
INCEST IN THE LEWIS CLAN
ReplyDeleteTheZeekEffect: if i was in your family.. we would have had sex
Has anyone counted the fingers and toes in his family?
Psst Billy, the days of incest in the hills are over! You sick Mofo.
Chris is what happens when little boys watch mom douche
ReplyDeleteThat's a disgusting comment, uncalled for.
ReplyDeleteChristK2 if I was a guy watching this shithead continually come here and post this nonsense, I would delete it. Maybe after the 100th time the shithead will tire of her stupid .02's worth. Shitting on your blog calling it Freedom of Speech not even in the same zone.
PARADOX OF OUR TIME
ReplyDelete~ Bob Moorehead ~
"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but
shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,
...but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and
smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees
but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more
problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too
little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our
possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and
hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to
life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but
have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer
space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom,
but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but
accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more
computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we
communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small
character, steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but
broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway
morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything
from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the
showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can
bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share
this insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember, to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not
going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks
up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave
your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the
only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most
of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from
deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person might
not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to
share the precious thoughts in your mind."
Maddie you are not better by posting long winded reposts of someone else's work here. Start your own blog for that stuff.
ReplyDeleteK2 leaves it here for attention.
ReplyDelete<< I love your writings, you have the gift of wit.............I not only am laughing at the article but, I am also laughing at your response to 5:44PM's post.....I love it! >> Bonnie
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'm glad you enjoy it.
<< TheZeekEffect: if i was in your family.. we would have had sex >>
ReplyDeleteMy sympathies... I was blessed/cursed with a whole bunch of hot first cousins.
<< ChristK2 if I was a guy watching this shithead continually come here and post this nonsense, I would delete it. >>
ReplyDeleteAs would I if I owned the blog.
<< PARADOX OF OUR TIME
ReplyDelete~ Bob Moorehead ~ >> Sassy
I never really liked that one. It seemed to mostly be a random list of vaguely connected phrases, followed by some weak bromides.
But please keep posting such things.
Anonymous said...
ReplyDeleteMaddie you are not better by posting long winded reposts of someone else's work here. Start your own blog for that stuff.
LOL ...so you can blog under anonymous somewhere else because your to much coward post under yourself.
Much better than you'll ever be ...:-)
Chris I plan too ...ty!
Maddie needs help. And lots of it!
ReplyDeleteMaddie I am not undercover I am stating something obvious. Does it take a name? Call me an aol _____-fill in the blank-person. I'm myself you, Sassy Still Here name is kinda dumb name for a woman who has some issues.
ReplyDeleteTo the anonymous poster up at 4:31AM in the morning getting an early start to take a jab at Maddie. Since you stated Maddie needs help well she needs some compassion, you may need the help I wouldn't be sitting here throwing stones on someone else if I was you buddy.
Maddie, maybe start another blog for such ethereal pleasures of the mind, if that is indeed what you are pretending to emote instead of doing what you seem to like doing, hanging around a blog font fighting. It's the same ole you just a revision for some of the new folks here. Lots of the same crowd from before of course hoho and her clan of idiots but why add to this Maddie you are smarter than hoho you know.
ChrisK2 if you are not the owner of this blog why does it come off as if you are? Maybe the owner could give us some clues so you don't get the blame so frequently...seems unkind to have you be the target of these horrendous aol sluts who sit here making horrible comments directed to you on a daily basis.
No matter how frequently the blog owner tries for humanity all it takes is a few pigs and their shit to mess it up don't add to it Maddie. BE THE BETTER PERSON.
I've never seen Maddie start trouble in the chat room. Now Rose is a different story. As soon as she enters the room she starts her drama and ugliness.
ReplyDeleteI'm not part of either one of your groups. I merely go in the room and observe the actions of people like you.
And no, Christopher is not the blog owner. And frankly, I don't think he gives a damn what anyone thinks about it.
There's no indication that Maddie is a shit starter in the above commentary, but she has participated in it whether you care to state it or not. She knows she has. Yes Rose is a shit starter, going on, and drama queen. She has shit for brains what do you expect a quality woman or something LMAO.
ReplyDeleteAs to ChrisK2 not caring there are many statements over the course of the last few months that would be contrary to your observations.
Btw, Zeeke if you here buddy listen. Rose has a notorious habit of burning down her friends. Keep this in mind you will know what we mean someday. She keeps no one as a close friend for any length of time. You may feel you are immuned you are not. Does she whisper in your ear lol how she lol dont do nothing lol and they pick on me lol. She's the instigator of every single one of these dramas including the ones that are here on this blog.
ReplyDeleteKeep that in mind.
Dear Anonymous or little history (Other wise coward)
ReplyDeleteFor one thing my life has NOT been in chat room 24/7 and you don't know anything about me but what Hoser has said (which anyone with brain's knows is crap). Also my comment above has nothing to do with one person or another...just life all around.
As for throwing rock's I just threw back one's that were thrown at me just like many. Why so arrogant are you to think that you have a right to come here express your though's and feeling's and judge another? (Reminder your the one addressing me first here so not judging you just responding to your judgemental comment)Issue's yourself maybe? Least you called me smarter...ty!
Also very true I never start trouble when I do visit a chatroom just stick up for myself from trash that get's started from other's and I have participated because I have been one of many that have been dragged into the crap the so called Zombies start.
Get real ...do you see me in chat's much anymore? No because of the ugliness brought in there I choose to do better things in my life. When I do come in it's to see the one's that are decent people.
Hmmm... also dummy if you knew me so well as you think would of known I live in WA and there is a three hour difference in time...duhhhhh!
Sounds like you need take a little of your own advise there!
zeek is fat and he is a pussy
ReplyDeleteYou know I do have to thank Hoser for one thing because she did not like this response in newspaper ....
ReplyDeleteMaddym466 wrote on Mar 20, 2008 4:38 PM:
" Hi Rose,
My name is Maddy. If you want to talk get my number from police. Hon you were not the only woman in Robs life. There is things we talked about. This was not your fault. He is were he wanted to be. There is information you will be finding out about him true and it will break your heart. Be prepared.Remember there are others that fell into this too. There is two people. Can either be anger at the truth or hold on to the good memorys.Go on with your life. "
Decide to stalk me cause of it...I did meet some very awesome people, became Auntie to two beautiful boys and made great friends like Beckie, Angie, Pam ( you should treated her better she is a awesome person) and few more.
I just wish I knew before I put that in how much help you needed and what the truth of the matter was as I learned.
keep this in mind rose is friends with several off line as well as on line for well over three years and um nope she has not backstabbed us and trust us we know her shit and she knows ours what did you yes i said you all do to her for her to toss ya to the curb are ya jealous you cant have her as a friend or that you frankly dont matter to any of us
ReplyDeletesassie why you still up on robbies dead cockster he didnt want non of ya
ReplyDeleteOh STFU Rose every time you start that chant about how well liked you are pretending to do it while being someone else saying it shows who you are. The other bit how jealous everyone is of you well is your deluded fucking head speaking again. You have no friends none. Just people you use you dumb cunt.
ReplyDeleteMaddie chill it girl. Don't try to put yourself up in that ivory tower. Chat rooms are for losers you and Bob and all the silly little people sat in them day after day arguing with the whore herself. See her in the last couple of posts here posting this shit again, she's like a broken record don't be like her.
Rose will get hers.
"um" (dismissive)
ReplyDelete"backstabbed" (you know that so well)
"trust us" (as if she's a party of 3)
"toss ya to the curb" (what is that gangsta rap)
"jealous" (yes of a worn out,used looking skank)
"us" "we" (as if you are a collective, guess you, yourself and you count as at least 3 people)
hmmmm picking a 3 year date as a validation time span oh that's interesting. Rose you can't even hide your other personalities so well anymore girl you be slipping into the zombie zone.
LOL ...I am chilled as much as you ..ty . As for Ivory tower I am in one... no different than yours or anyone else.
ReplyDeleteHmm....little people...I am 5'0 so yes short but not little minded. Also see you doing a fine job here with your comment's no different than stating comment's in a chat room now is there?
Don't mess with me ...let me have my fun as you are....lol!
Everyone knows Rose is a joke. who is her friends? lets see nancy almost fifty and just starting a career. Spent her life working crap jobs like good will and getting fired just like rose. Lynnzy whonis dumb as rocks. Two ugly and fat druggie whores. Then cindy who is a compulsive liar what great friends she has
ReplyDeleteRose is so stupid and trashy it never once sank in that no one thought a low life like rob was a catch
Rose is dumb as a box of rocks.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget that Rose is friends with hick
ReplyDeleteboy Billy. hahahahaha
<< ChrisK2 if you are not the owner of this blog why does it come off as if you are? Maybe the owner could give us some clues so you don't get the blame so frequently >>
ReplyDeleteIf you want to think I own the blog, fine with me. Ugly has done far more than give clues, he's made clear statements about it. It's not our fault you didn't read them. As to "blame," that implies that I'd consider it a bad thing to own this blog. I obviously wouldn't, and would be proud to own it.
<< seems unkind to have you be the target of these horrendous aol sluts who sit here making horrible comments directed to you on a daily basis. >>
They would do exactly the same thing whether or not I own this blog. It sounds like you haven't been around this group for very long.
Oh no blame. No I don't sit here day in & day out if that's what you mean I know the players just don't give two sticks about it really, just commenting on their frequent nastys to you. No biggie. As to clues don't care about that either really I mean it's the blogger's rights to stay where they are I am sure not demanding a name or anything. I think people who post anonymously to cast aspirations on still other posters who don't give their names & to refer to them as cowardly or pussys is also stupid. An opinion is an opinion is an opinion.
ReplyDeleteSome of the more notorious sorts give themselves away daily as to their identity with their styles..
What will Billy Rose Ham and Cindy do one day when people google them? And see that Billy spends 24/7 online fighting with a lunatic woman? What's he going to do one day when his sister, cousins, son, coworkers google his name and find out that he mocks handicapped people? What's Cassie going to do when she finds out Grandma has no life and has wrote horribly disturbing things about people? What's Ham's coworkers at the Connection going to do when they find out she's a dumpster diva? What's Cindy going to do when Dalt googles her one day and finds out she is a professional stalker?
ReplyDelete7:21 ain't that the truth.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned Cindy's grandson! Now you will be stalked to the ends of the Earth because of that!
ReplyDeletethey wont do a thing personal life is personal life and i guess they can answer that the very same people complaining did the same thing and much worse so what are their families and co workers going to think about them also
ReplyDeletethe first sentence is suppose to be they wont do a thing
ReplyDeletebiggums is in jail!
ReplyDeleteAll that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.
ReplyDeleteThe Dhammapada
K2 spits
ReplyDelete<< K2 spits >>
ReplyDeleteYou swallow!
That was way too easy...
ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
for people who don't read this blog they are sure all over it. why aren't they over on their much ballyhooed other blogs, are they not getting the attention they want? I agree with that one poster, stop with the anonymous comment postings and watch how they drop off like flies. gos how dead their own blogs must be to come on here and say all this crap.
ReplyDeleteIt's not the deadness of their own blogs that is the issue, their thinking is if they come to this blog they can watch over the asses who insist on camping it here on this blog. The blog owner here obviously lets things go as they will with no sanitizing. These asses who throw off these disgusting comments towards others who they are trying to insult, one would suppose they feel free here to be as demeaning as they care to be. Afterall they are sitting here reading *this* blog and watching the responses.
ReplyDeleteThere is one notorious poster, a woman, who frequently slithers to other blogs and says some of the most revolting things she can muster. Her way of thinking is if the shit flows down it wont flow on her black heart. She knows pretty much all the rules and terms of use rules of blogging in her small-minded thinking coming to someone else's blog and saying something so inflammatory so as to get a rise will be the fault on someone else. Not her. She draws the people who hate on her to come here too. So people who have other blogs may be here but not because they are having troubles on their blogs.
As the blog author here mentioned from that chat log posted, Zeeke has Zombies. He's another one who stopped using his own mind when he hooked in with the one with the black heart. His troubles will come rest assured of that. She will spill every secret, every confidence, every thing that no one else knows about on someone's blog.
Anonymous postings do have a benefit it allows a person to speak unabashed, it brings out the freaks but at least a person feels they can speak their mind.
How can a man who takes another mans dick up his ass go on a blog and talk about morals?
ReplyDeletePost 4:07PM I would ask that question to Beth and Cindy's daughters.
ReplyDeleteBeth and Cindy's daughters don't have dicks you idiot.
ReplyDelete<< are they not getting the attention they want? >>
ReplyDeleteTheir behaviors in the chat room and here show that their desperate need for attention is virtually insatiable.
<< How can a man who takes another mans dick up his ass go on a blog and talk about morals? >>
ReplyDeleteI give up... how? Or should I "Ask Zeeke"? Same thing, I suppose...
K2 everyone knows you're a cock sucker. Why you lie about it is distrubing.
ReplyDeletePost 5:17PM. The point is gay is gay whether you are male or female. If you are going to call someone gay just remember that shoe will fit a lot of people. It appears you have the intelleck of an idiot not I.
ReplyDelete<>>
ReplyDeleteYou type this to slam someone when you can't even spell INTELLECT correctly LMFAO
hell you make enough typos but I guess they don't count when you are a bitter Moron. LMFAO
ReplyDeleteK2 sniffs ass. That is sick. Period.
ReplyDelete<< K2 everyone knows you're a cock sucker. Why you lie about it is distrubing. >>
ReplyDelete<< K2 sniffs ass. That is sick. Period. >>
Yo momma's knock-kneed, yo' daddy's bow-legged, and when they walk down the street they spell OK.
The most destructive criticism is indifference.
ReplyDelete