"I Am the Borg"

(Written 2/8/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

I'm beginning to empathize more each day with The Borg, the cybernetically-enhanced humanoid villains in the Star Trek series. I've used more artificial devices than I care to think about. And it only gets worse over time.

Although some of the things stuck in or on me are due to age, most are due simply to a less than perfect body to start with. So, thank you oh-not-so-splendid gene pool.

My first Enhancement was when I was a teenager, with braces. I should've smelled the future when the dentist said my mouth was too small and my teeth too big. But noooooooooo...

I began to sense my body's betrayal tendencies, though, when I was 23 and bought a semi-custom made suit. The tailor was required to check each of my measurements against some table, then double-check it if a measurement was off from normal by a certain amount. He had to double-check ALL of them. My body's a mess, always has been. For example, why do my shoulders slope at *different* angles???

That body weirdness also recently led to Body Enhancement #2--orthotics in my shoes to cope with my right leg being considerably shorter than my left. Before that (since age 30), I had to have heel lifts put in all new shoes.

Body Enhancement #3--eyeglasses--has been a major life hassle since about age 25. Your vision changes every few years after about age 40, so, regular exams, new glasses, etc.

Body Enhancement #4 happened about 5 years ago. My gene pool destines me to dental problems. I had to have a dental implant. Just picture taking your portable drill with a 1/4" bit, flip it upside down, and drill a nice hole into your lower jaw. Then stick a receptacle in the hole, and turn a screw with a fake tooth into that. Props to whomever invented Novocain! I also have a bridge (I think it's called), and will surely someday need more drastic measures.

I voluntarily started Enhancement #5 a few years ago--a wrist brace to help prevent carpal tunnel syndrome problems. I figured it was a small inconvenience to prevent more serious cybernetic stuff down the road.

Enhancement #6 is compression socks, which I started wearing a few months ago to help with fluids gathering around my feet and ankles. My sympathies to any woman who has ever worn pantyhose. I feel your pain!

My most recent, Enhancement #7, is an elbow brace. Apparently you're NOT ALLOWED at my age to jam an 18" screwdriver into large root balls 500 times in a day to loosen them.

My next Enhancement will probably be orthopedic shoes. My feet were flat from Day 1, began making flopping noises on the floor when I was about 15, and recently became nearly dead flat owing to age.

I eagerly await a future filled with stents & valves, false teeth, and--if I'm really lucky--titanium hips!

"We are the Borg. Resistance is futile. We will assimilate you."