"My Weirdness Detector Blows a Fuse"

(Written 2/28/12 by ChristopherK2)

 

I've long had a Weirdness Detector somewhere deep within my brain.  It explains my love of "Stupid Human Tricks" and "Dumb Criminals" articles and videos.  And every now and then it senses a "change in The Force," so to speak.  Last night The Detector sent me such an alert and today it became obvious why as I read the news on the AOL Welcome window.

 

 

The weirdness began last night while I was sleepily watching the Daytona 500 stock car race.  I normally find packs of cars driving at high speeds in circles quite conducive to sleep.  I was about 90% on the way to dreamland when suddenly a huge fireball exploded on the tv screen.  I *love* all things explosion-related, so I almost jumped out of my recliner in quickly ramming up to full attention.

 

 

And there it was in all its glory... a lone stock car far behind the pack blasting along at nearly 200 mph had suddenly hung a dead right to pick the only spot on the track able to cause a major catastrophe... a "jet dryer" (a very large truck equipped with a hang-on jet engine to blow dry the track) trudging along at about 1 mph and loaded with 200 gallons of volatile jet kerosene!  KABOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! 

 

 

It was immediately obvious that no one had been seriously injured, so I was free to enjoy the fireball stuff.  And a huge fireball on a racetrack is clearly weird enough to set off my inner detector. 

 

 

But my brain was also sending a signal that there was something else also happening.  And that wouldn't become clear until I started reading AOL's Welcome window news this morning.  It seems that we're now officially going thru a period of Universal Weirdness, which have occurred randomly but repeatedly over the years.

 

 

My Weirdness Detector began screeching when I saw the headline: "Angelina Jolie's Leg has over 15,000 Fans (on Twitter)."  Now THAT is weird!  I thought everyone KNEW that even though she's one of the most beautiful women on the planet, she has SKINNY legs. But apparently her appearance at the Oscars has led to many people finally figuring that out.

 

 

I quickly noticed many other headlines about seriously Weird Stuff: "Man Gets 3 Years for Punching Bunnies;" (WHAT?) "Alien Caught on Google Street View;" (didn't I just write about Street View the other day???) "Plane Drops Poop On New York Couple;" (ruined THAT picnic) "Waiter Spills Beer on German Chancellor;" (the 99% getting even with the 1%?) and "Hank the Cat Runs for Office in Virginia;" (a cat??? no dogs available???).

 

 

Laughing so hard by now that I could barely control the mouse, I moved on to TMZ.  And I wasn't disappointed.  It started off with "Angelina Jolie's Legs the Morning After."  Geesh, the woman has SKINNY, ugly legs, people... deal with it!  My Weirdness Detector's meter then suddenly shot up at "Rodney King-No Jail After 2nd DUI Arrest."  Yes, THAT Rodney King was back in the news, his pic staring up at me from the pages of TMZ.  How many years has it been???  Very strange...

 

 

By this point, I was almost afraid to press on to the CNN site for fear of a heart-attack-by-excessive-laughter story of truly epic proportions.  But there it was: "Doggie DNA used in Poop Crackdown"!!!  I kid you not, my loyal fans, an apartment complex in Ohio is cracking down on doggie dooty offenders by sending samples off to a lab for DNA matching to the residents' dogs and charging folks $200 a poop... er... pop.

 

 

But even a delightful Dog Dooty story didn't send me into paralyzing spasms of laughter.  Why not???  Well, I think it's because my Weirdness Detector was also letting me know that there's a LOT more weirdness to come over the next few days.  So, I'll have to restrain myself mightily.  I wouldn't want my obit to read, "He died from reading a Dumbest Criminals e-mail."

"Top 10 Reasons Newbies are Bolted from the Coolest Room"

Written 2/23/12 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers blog)

10. Admit that you're black, gay, Jewish, or plan to vote for Obama.

 9. Show up at a Coolest social function and bend your knees while you walk.

 8. Say that you haven't been drunk since you were a "stupid teenager" and then "grew up."

 7. Note that you have a college degree.

 6. Have a pic on your profile that shows that you're physically attractive, dress well, and have nice teeth.

 5. Ask, "If this is the 'Coolest' room, why isn't anyone saying anything?"

 4. Don't kiss Zeeke's ass at least 15 times a day.

 3. Use a word of more than three syllables.

 2. Post a link to your favorite mushy, romantic poem.

And the Number 1 Reason Newbies are Bolted from the Coolest Room is...

1. Ask if it's okay if you log the room.

AOLEXIA

Is a growing problem in our society. Millions of people seem to have it. I’m not sure why there has been so little attention given to this problem, but it has been around for a very long time.

This disease is extremely dangerous and highly contagious. Scientists are beginning to believe that it may be the result of a problem within the brain of the patient. With aolexia the patient’s brain appears to misinterpret everything that they hear.

 If you or someone you love suffers from this disease it is imperative that you seek treatment. Current treatment involves:

1. Learning to get the wax out of your ears and listen to the real message that is being spoken. 
2.  Getting over your own self importance. 
3.  Learning to correctly interpret information without filtering it through one’s ego.
4.  Overcoming your own pure stupididty. 
5.  Logging off AOL and getting a life.

"Or Maybe"

(Written 2/19/12 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers blog)

(Picture below was submitted as a recent "Zeeke" sighting)

Zeeke recently opined on Vomit's blog that the claim that "good people (were) ran off" from the chat rooms "has been thrown around... but there's no real evidence that suggests the statement is true.  Like all social media AOL chat ran its course and is dying a slow painful death..."

Facebook is dying???  Alrighty... Zeeke the Astute Business Analyst speaks... (( chuckle, chuckle ))

As to evidence that Zeeke conveniently ignores, look no further than Perky's earlier statement that people have left Zeeke's room because of its "hate and discontent."  I've collected a few statements over the years, the most straightforward of which is, "I just finally found the overabundance of white trash to be too tiresome for words."

Zeeke's obviously going the rationalization route, which is rather surprising.  He's often stated that his main goal is driving away as many people who he dislikes as possible thru his "mind-fuck" game.  So the decimation of the group is more likely because of his tactics, such as:

1. Regularly bolting "50+" nice regulars from the room whenever he had the chance.

2. Uglifying the room for several hours a day with nasty fights with Bonnie for many years.

3. Attacking anyone he didn't like by the use of nicknames like "Cocksuckingfagjewbitch."

4. Uniting with other Zombies... especially Beth... in gang attacking people they didn't like.

5. Routinely threatening physical violence against people.

6. Making fun of others for perceived flaws, nearly all of which they themselves have in abundance.

I suspect that Zeeke now realizes he went way too far for too long, and that the few people remaining in his ugly little clique aren't enough for a viable room.  So, as it dies, he's trying to set up a story to feed his masses, and absolve himself of any guilt that he feels.

Whatever floats his boat, for public consumption... But deep in their hearts, I'm sure all of the Zombies know that it is *they* who have killed this group.

We at Ugly Marylanders received this picture - is really Billy's ne
w girlfriend?

"Wildly Popular" = 7.8?

(Written 2/12/12 by Prancer The Swami for the Uglier MDers blog)

The Swami often has difficulty understanding the full meaning of some of Zeeke's rants.  There's probably a language barrier there because, well, Zeeke's so dumb.

Take, for example, Zeeke's rants about his room awhile back.  He called it "wildly popular" and "one of the most popular chatrooms."

The Swami tends to take proclamations way too literally.  If a room is "one of the most popular," The Swami figures it should be in at least the Top 10, or maybe the Top 25 on a slow day.  But as the Swami writes this, Zeeke's room is #120.  120???  Yep, it's right behind "Friendly Doms n Subs."  Granted the widespread appeal of doms and subs, but #120 is "one of the most popular" rooms?

The Swami also recognizes that "wildly popular" is a much vaguer phrase, so allowances must be made for some hyperbole.  But under what loose standards can an average of 7.8 SNs in a room be considered "wildly popular"?  That's what Zeeke's room averaged from early morning to late evening in January.

So, a decline from "wildly popular" to just 7.8 in a few months can't be a good sign. And I'm sure the Zombies will gleefully point out that The Swami's room is virtually in the toilet.  But they should be mindful that the Over 35 room averaged almost that same 7.8 as recently as July. 

It's certainly a very slippery slope once a chat room drops below critical mass.

P.S. As The Swami was about to send this to Ugly, Vomit posted that his room is "in very good shape" and "we max out at a little over 20 chatters."  The Swami has always admired Vomit's ability to ignore reality and just make up stuff.  His room hasn't been within even barking distance of 20 since mid-December, and hasn't regularly exceeded 20 since August.  The Swami wants some of whatever Vomit was smoking.

I will always love you

Monika

This woman has gone in sub 20 degree Russian climate with me.

Our wedding song was by Whitney. I am saddened.

Will you be my valentine?

I proposed to Monika on Valentine's Day. She thought we were just going out to a fancy restaurant so she could show off her latest Gucci bag, but I had other plans. We went to this little fancy French enclave up in Montreal and she ordered some expensive wine made from gammy grapes. Gammy Noir I believe it was.

She was stunning that night. She had on some very white hotpants showing off that very nice derierre and a beautiful apple color cardigan sweater. I was quite afraid to ask her. We'd been friends for years. Often I'd find myself her shoulder to cry on after a heartbreak. I never confessed my feelings for her, was terrified.

I still don't know what possessed me to get the courage up to propose. Maybe it was that Gammy Noir, we sure polished off two bottles that night, and Monika (don't slap me hon) ruined her pantsuit with a spill. All I know is Monika was the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on. Inside and out. And I wanted to take care of her.

I never drink, but that night I did to get the courage up. Finally I just said to her, Monika I love you and it's time someone took care of you and treated you right. She looked at me completely stunned. I repeated it. She gulped down an entire glass of wine. So did I. She was afraid to talk. I was afraid to move. We drank another glass of wine, then both excused ourselves to the bathroom. She came back and said Rocco, yes, you are meant for me. You're the only one who has been here for me thick and thin and I know what you're going to ask and I accept. Then we left the restaurant and walked down the road and kissed. The first time in years of knowing her we had done so.

As I'm recalling all of this I'm thinking just how unfortunate so many here haven't found that type of love in their life. The sexual lives of the zombies are quite maddening and stagnant. The love is just not there like an untouchable caste member. It is mad sad.

"Easily Amused..."

(Written 2/7/12 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders blog)

(Disclaimer: I pretty much hate cats.)  Years ago, my mom had a cat named Pretty Boy.  (Yep, a fat, outdoorish tomcat named Pretty Boy.)  Mom asked me take a pic of it one day as it lounged on the radiator cap and gazed out at the school playground about 50' away.

 

It was a good pic opportunity, but Mom read far more into than I did.  She went on and on about how he was watching over the neighborhood kids, admiring the beauty of the surroundings, blah blah blah.  I said, "Mom, he's a cat.  A cat has an IQ of 3.  It's easily amused." 

So it apparently is with Zeeke and Vomit as evidenced by this statement today on Zeeke's blog about their mutual fascination with pasting my head onto pics (about 50 times so far), as follows:

"Ronnie and I have been laughing about this for months.. Stick Faggy's head on any picture and it becomes instantly funny."

For months???  Wow... yep, *very* easily amused.  But I'm sure they both have IQs WAY higher than 3.  Any guesses???  I'm thinking 85-90...

Vomit trying to get to the beer store

One of Ronnie Young's friends have sold him out.

"The Top 10 Reasons Neil Keeps Beth Around"

(Written 1/29/12 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers blog)

10. Neil thinks she's great "arm candy" for all of those stupid work-related social functions.

 9. Neil's life hasn't been the same since they installed that Stripper Pole in the bedroom.    

 8. Beth can explain those annoying Bevis & Butthead references.

 7. Neil doesn't have to sweat providing her a social life on weekends.

 6. She loves doing that one thing that ALL guys love having done to them... scratching his back.  (Get your mind out of the gutter!)

 5. Beth has a doctorate in ordering home delivery of meals. 

 4. She lets him win at Strip Monopoly. 

 

 3. Beth knows all of the good porn sites.

 2. Her "Impress the In-Laws" persona is very effective.

And the Number 1 Reason Neil Keeps Beth Around is...

 1. She had him at, "I love to dress up as a Slutty French Maid!"

"Poor, Poor Vomit"

"Poor, Poor Vomit"

(Written 1/25/12 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers blog)

 

Poor, Poor Vomit has been having a rough time lately.  He's had to hit the Refresh icon 100 times a day to make his blog appear to be popular.  But the only people who even bother to comment on his inane babble there are TX Deputy (reposting his ugly crap from this blog) and Zeeke (in repayment for Vomit being the *only* one to comment on Zeeke's blog).

 

Then all of a sudden Vomit *thought* he lucked out a couple of weeks ago when he got the bolt for Maryland's Dumbest room.  He was in his glory for, oh, about 45 minutes.  Then it, too, started to slowly unravel.  Beth threw a hissy fit when Vomit wouldn't give her the bolt back, and has since been seen there only a few times a day.  Several of the other Lady Zombies saw little or no reason to stay around without Beth, so Pantry, PonieTail, and Bitch have also cut way back.  With few women in sight, hangers-on like Aint, Trikin, Bak, and Eminence have been slowly melting away.

 

So, despite the initial begging-induced spurt in attendance, their room has deteriorated under Vomit's stewardship to an average of barely *8* SNs.  And with smaller size comes higher volatility.  My room, for example, runs from one to the high single digits.  The Stupidest Room has reached as high as 15 under Vomit.  But today it also reached a new nadir of just TWO: Vomit and Zeeke.  TWO at almost 10 a.m. on a weekday???  Seriously? 

 

And as you can see in the screen shot below, karma dictated that my room was also going thru a major surge with *7* nice people chatting pleasantly.

And the future isn't promising.  I mean, who wants to stay in a room with just Zeeke and Vomit???  Darn few apparently.  As I write this almost five hours later, only Pantry has been brave enough to join them.

 

Karma's a Bitch.  Poor, Poor Vomit... 

Hot guys and rim jobs

I must admit. I am in complete shock. Did Rose really make an asinine claim that she can find nice looking men with money. Really Rose? The proof isn't in the pudding cupcake.

Is this mutt face wearing one of Rose's shirts? 

 Hunky and just where is that hand at and why?   

Some real lookers with money Cupcake.

(Send me any pictures of those below to add to Christopher)

Mutt who moved in with his Mommy in Mass and ripped women off to survive.

EP is a real looker with a street address in one of the lowest income areas around.

Thomas M lives in a poverty stricken house in Dundalk and sources say he has no teeth. 

Rose lived with Jeff K at his Mommy's house and sources say he looks like an Ape Man.

John took her to a trailer park and they couldn't even afford to fix broken windows and sources say he looks like an alien on crack.

Maybe it's her rim jobs that get her these "lookers" and let her live at their Mommy's house. And what the hell is 2 grade grammer? Well not to be surprised from rock brain.

 But what do you expect when you look like a dead ringer for an ugly serial killer. This is a recent picture of Rose folks! Nope she's still not hot. (Funny how the only person who ever says Rose is hot is Rose herself) 

Look at that forehead crease, that blotchy skin, those deep bags under her eyes so much they are almost covering her eyes, that thin hair the crows feet. And those yellow fucked up teeth.

"God's on Facebook? Uh oh..."

(Written 1/17/12 by PrancerTheSwami for the Uglier MDers blog)

At first The Swami could see no good coming from The Almighty being on Facebook.  The Swami is paranoid enough without Him watching even there.

So The Swami proceeded very carefully to investigate the extent of God's presence on Facebook.  Maybe it's just one of His afterthoughts and He doesn't follow it closely?

The main "public figure" profile for God isn't all that impressive.  :::: pausing for possible lightning bolt strike ::::  Well... ooooooookay.  It only has a bit over one million "likes," so maybe He quickly moved onto other things after constructing it? 

But it does answer one question I've always had about God... does he have a sense of humor?  Yeah, yeah... He created dachshunds.  But verbally, I've always wondered.  On the profile for His Location, it says "Everywhere" and for His Email Address, it says "Just Pray!"  Good stuff that...

His second "local business" profile is a bit strange.  As "likes," He includes Starbucks, Kobe Bryant, and Lady Gaga.  Well, ooooooookay.  A bit pricey/gag/tacky in MY book.

God also has an "app" on Facebook: "God Wants You to Know."  It promises daily messages to bring you "love... strength... (and) happiness."  Well, blah blah blah.  The Swami had sensed that app was bogus anyway because it asked for "permission" to access my Facebook information.  Wouldn't He already know that stuff?

So, The Swami decided to submit several questions directly to The Almighty on His "public figure" profile.  The results were interesting:

The Swami: Your profile only has 1,164,643 "likes" and only 552 people "like" your main pic.  Are you disappointed with those results?

God:  I'm omnipotent, but this Facebook software is the pits.  I'm having a huge problem with 'spreading the word' so far.  I've filed some complaints, but they're very slow to respond.

The Swami: Maybe you could send them a burning bush or two?

God:  <<snort>>  I've been thinking more like a nice plague.

The Swami: Plagues seem a bit harsh.  The Swami could give you some ideas for good curses, like fleas.

God: Kewl beans, hit me up by email.  Thanks...

The Swami: You're on Twitter at 'OurHolyLord.'  Whose idea was that name?

God: Don't get me started on 'consultants' <spit>. The best ones are tied up with political candidates until late this year.  So I'll change it after that.

The Swami: We've discussed some people on AOL before.  What do you think of Vomit's use--just before Christmas--of his face on a pic of Jesus on the cross, claiming Ronnie's your "only begotten son"?

God: I will be 'in touch' with him 'soon'.

The Swami: I noticed that Jesus came out on his profile foursquare against "threatening individuals" here.  Does that also...

God: Apply to AOL?  Yes, and I'm very aware of the many ugly threats of violence by that Zeeke individual.  I am NOT pleased with his conduct in general.  Let me just say this... the next time he goes out to get 'piss drunk,' you do NOT want to be sitting near him.

The Swami: Well, thanks for your time, but I need to...

God: I've been meaning to discuss some of YOUR recent blog articles with you.  Here, sit beside me...

The Swami: Uh oh...

"The Love Fest Room DIES. Poor, poor Zeeke..."

Written 1/11/12 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers blog)

 

Owing to gross computer negligence along with general lack of interest, the Zombies lost the Festering Love room early this morning.  Following are some print screen shots documenting its demise.

 

Poor, poor Zeeke...

Poor, poor Vomit...

Poor, poor Beth...

 

A Bot Takes Over Love Fest...

 

 

Vomit Alone with the Bot...

 

 

 

The Bot all alone after Wilson and Vomit leave...

 

 

 

Vomit Deserts the Sinking Ship... 

 

 

Mike Visits Love Fest!

 

Ouch Rose!

No wonder Rosie hates life so much.

Celebrate good times come on ! Let's celebrate

Celebrate good times
come on ! - Let's celebrate

Yahoo!
Yahoo!

Celebrate good times
come on ! - Let's celebrate

Yahoo!
Yahoo!

There's a party going on right here
a celebration to last throughout the years.
So bring your good times and your laughter
too we're gonna celebrate your party with you !

Come on now
celebration
let's all celebrate and have a good time

celebration
we go celebrate and have a good time.

It's time to come together
it's up to you
watch your pleasure

everyone around the world
come on
Yahoo!
Yahoo!

celebrate good times
come on

Everyone around the 'net celebrate the Ugly's blog having 100,000 views. YAHOO

And we'll be a fair sport and celebrate the others too.

Vomit:






Zeeke's isn't the belle of the ball, but at least he gets to be an Uncle again. The criminal has spawned!

"A Very, VERY Unhealthy Obsession"

(Written 1/6/12 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers blog)

Zeeke seems to have totally shed whatever pretense of sanity he had by turning his blog into, "All About K2, All the Time."

Zeeke's *TWELVE* recent articles about ME make even Vomit's FIVE look nearly sane. Zeeke has posted one EVERY DAY so far this year, including on NEW YEAR'S DAY. While normal Guys were glued to the tube for football games, Zeeke was writing yet another article about me!

I asked the folks in my chat room about Zeeke's obsession this morning. Comments included:

"gots to be a man crush"
"He wants to taste your penis"
"He must think you're really cute"
"he loves you"
"he wants to have sex with you"

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

Non-disgusting ideas included:

"he sure is getting paranoid isn't he?"
"assisted living is getting to him"
"he has so much free time on his hands now"
"he is getting worse... and it is more and more childish with him ... he can't come up with any new ideas now"

I'm not sure of the real explanation for Zeeke's behavior, but it's hard to NOT notice that most of them accuse ME of being GAY, yet repeatedly picture me in costumes and poses that could easily be construed as gay fantasies. Perhaps the simplest explanation is that it's finally time for Zeeke to "come out of the closet." <>

And just for the record in case Zeeke or any of the Zombies EVER AGAIN accuse ME of obsession, following is a listing of his recent articles (all of them at: http://askzeeke.blogspot.com/).

12/19 - Throwdown 2011
12/23 - Frooty The Limp Wristed Elf
12/27 - Yeah.. It's Just Like that..
12/28 - His Head Fits Everywhere
12/29 - Capturing The Moment
12/31 - Toothless Bob's New Years Eve Date
1/1 - Happy New Year 2012
1/2 - Magic 8 Ball Prediction For 2012
1/3 - My Friend Paco..
1/4 - DOOMEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
1/5 - Nutcracker Coming To Town
1/6 - ROONT !

"Snicker..."

(Written 1/3/12 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers blog)

Now that Zeeke's obsession has led to ME now being the ONLY topic he rants about on his blog (an incredible EIGHT articles about me in barely a week), I thought it would be worthwhile to figure out WHY that has happened so suddenly.

It took me almost exactly THREE minutes to figure it out.

His latest rant earlier today was speculation about the future of the Marylanders Over 35 room. He opined that "IT'S DOOMED." On a intuitive whim, I checked HIS room shortly thereafter, and the results are below.

Well, la-te-da, I think we have a winner!!! Zeeke is soooooooooooooooo utterly bored with HIS nearly-empty room (the Princess isn't really there at that hour) that he's filling his time with bashing me and the Over 35 room! << chuckle, chuckle >>

Poor, poor Zeeke...

Fashion Consultation #1

Let's start with "I'm so hot" Rose. You are by far the worst dresser of all the zombie women. Let's open your very disturbing wardrobe door.

I'm more than sure you were in a cheap, dumpy dive here, so the greasy hair look is fine for that along with the cheap Walmart tank (Hey, maybe she was trying to match Billy). Might try getting your hair died professionally so it doesn't leave scalp stains and make you look like you're in the throes of teenage vampirerism.
This look went out in the 90s toots. No one wears khaki shorts like this, and certainly they shouldn't be worn by a knock-kneed type. No one should wear a shirt the same color as their facial tone, you give a ghostly glow here hon. And you have a little bit of a muffin top that can be seen here, definitely not figure flattering, and my stars lady, get a cuchina for that camel toe.
Haven't seen these shirts since the 90s.
All I want to know is what Senior Citizen you stole this from. That shirt is so elderly 90s.Middle-aged women shouldn't be trying to wear their daughter's clothes. And those split end, sheez. How about a little makeup so you don't like a meth-addicted 55-year-old?
And how do we know Rose wears her daughter's clothing? Proof is in the pudding.Again, middle-aged women should accept their glory days are gone and thus humiliate themself less. Was this a calendar shot for some fisherman's club? They do make support bras in bathing suits for sag cupcake. And wait, I thought you had skinny thighs or is that excess labia?You don't have to announce you're a grandmother so boldy. Keyboard: Go to Victoria Secrets and get fitted for a proper bra. The senior wing at the state pen look. Bland, Bland, Bland.
More Grandma attire along with a very obvious, and very bad, self-haircut. I'm sure if you offer to blow someone at the Hair Cuttery you can get a decent chop job. Yikes.More proof Rose doesn't have a clue how to dress or buy clothes that fit properly. Wearing her daughter's shirt and what looks like some homeless woman's pants.What Rose SHOULD wear:

Get some jodhpur pants and since I'm sure that's not affordable for you, corduroys will do. They do wonders by adding bulk to bodies with no asses, curves, and will make your legs look longer thus hiding those scary chicken ankles. Go for the higher rise ones since you're middle-aged with a muffin top and you don't have one womanly hip curve to your boyish figure.
As for tops, stay away from white, you're already pale, as well as stripes and light colors. You want to stick with charcoals to offset your paleness, splatter patterns and studs (don't go overboard, you are nearly 50) in knot-fronts (this will help with the sag), cowl necks, drapey tunics, waist sashes, etc. If you insist on going retro, make sure it's fashion retro and that doesn't mean wearing a shirt that's 20 years old. Add a sweater jacket if it's cold out.
Round it out with some 2-3 inch stilleto booties or some fashionable suede boots.


Oh, and jewelry hon. You need some to offset that pale look. Hoop earrings would take a lot of weight off that paleness, as well as some necklaces to drawl away from it. Make sure the jewelry does the thing called matching though, since that doesn't seem to be one of your finer skills.

Hairstyle - you need a whole new look. I'd recommend you go with a flared shoulder length bob with a deep side part, as it will add more volume to your hair. Perhaps a body wave to get away from that greasy flat look. Consult with a hair specialist about your color, the carrot has you looking like the albino idiot of the year. Darker with a darker color with highlights in it might be better.

Makeup I'd highly recommend spending some time with a makeup artist. Paleness is hard enough in itself to mask, but you have very oily and pimply skin and that requires special makeups that I'm not familiar with because I simply don't have that issue!

Just think Rose - some color on that face, some fashionable clothes, and you might become less of an eyesore.

Sincerely, Monika

Next up: Cindy

Let it roll baby roll

Jeezy Peezy, how many rolls do these butterballs have? Why do women let themself turn into such emotional and unhealthy train-wrecks?

Monika's New Year's Rez is I'm going to steal this blog from Rocco in 2012. He's already picking out my new Beamer since he can't stay off his yes *13* blogs. Since I'm physical fit and take very damn good good care of myself, I'm going to help out the less fortunate. There are people out there causing serious eyesores to others!

Let's promote health in 2012. Maybe some of these Zombie women would get fucking lives if they dropped some weight and learned how to dress, talk, look, talk to men, and act correct in public. I'm of course majorally OVER-qualified for this position, here's a picture Rocco took a little while ago while we were out shopping for a Sapphire ring to go with my outfit tonight. No fat on me baby (except my ass of course).


So what topic should we start off with in 2012 ladies?