"Early Bloomers"

(Written 4/26/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

The old adage "April Showers Bring May Flowers" hints at one challenge for gardeners. There really isn't much flowering going on IN April--much less March--for many folks. Sure, some smaller trees (cherry, dogwood, magnolia, redbud, and plum) kick in about mid-April. As do several medium-to-large shrubs, mostly the azalea-rhododendron-pieris group along with kerria and quince. But other than the forsythia, there's precious little in March or very early April. And there's almost nothing close to the ground other than creeping phlox.

To the rescue come bulbs! They've become less popular over the past 10 years or so because of the general impatience of people. ("I plant them NOW, but I don't see anything for five months???") I've always thought that a mistaken notion because there's a huge variety of sizes, shapes and colors for bulbs blooming from mid-March (crocus, hyacinth, dwarf iris), early April (daffodil, glory of the snow, grape hyacinth, puschkinia, squill, windflower), and mid-April (tulip).

And bulbs are far easier to plant and maintain than perennials. You just dig a moderate-size hole, plop in the bulbs, dump in a bunch of amended soil and fertilizer, add water, then forget about them for five months. Although the 1,700 bulbs I planted for this year sounds like a LOT, keep in mind that I plant them in clusters of 10-50, and even did one 40' trench with 200 of them.

There are many designs to use for bulbs. Although I tend towards the small clusters strewn all about, your imagination is your only real limit. At my old house, I did a large valentine with several different colors of crocus. A few examples follow:

A fine early-April bulb is the Grape Hyacinth, which also naturalizes (multiplies) very well (here in a cluster of about 45):













Tulips are a classic cluster type and come in many colors, shapes, and sizes. Below is a group of 15 small 'Apple Blossom Mix' near my patio.



I like to use larger tulips to surround plain evergreen shrubs. Here are 50 'Spring Essentials Mix' tulips surrounding a juniper.

My one major bulb project was the group of 200 I mentioned, which is along my parking lot. It's 125 grape hyacinth in front of 75 daffodils ('Dutch Master'). They both multiple readily, so in a few years they will have doubled or more and will look absolutely awesome. In the pic below, the daffodils had already started to fade a bit.













Another way to show color early in the year is plants noted for their foliage, and which don't die over the winter. Below are a couple of lovely coral bells ('Key Lime Pie' and 'Caramel') beside my shed. I have about 20 coral bells in a wide variety of colors and patterns.














As I mentioned, there are a few good shrubs that flower this early. One of my favs--just because the flower is so strange looking--is a fothergilla ('Blue Shadow'), below. They also smell like honey. Incidentally, its foliage starts out as blue-green and in the falls turns gorgeous shades of red, orange, and yellow.













Lastly, the pieris has weird-looking flowers if you've never seen one before. This one was planted long ago by the prior owner, so it's fully grown.



So, the message clearly is... PLANT SOME BULBS!

"On Creative Writing"

(Written 4/24/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

<< So much for K2s creative writing, this is nothing more than cut n paste. >> Zeeke

Let's skip by the logic of copy/pasting myself. Logic isn't your strength.

So let's look at the creative side. Your idea of creativity on a blog is to steal a semi-amusing pic via Google, label it as someone you hate, and add a bunch of your usual puerile insults. In the chat room, you do the same thing without the pics. You've been using the same dozen or so insults for many years, along with a couple of catch phrases.

[Minor tip: Saying "Did she just type that?" was amusing the first couple of times a few years ago, and could still be if you used it once a week or so. But saying it 10 times a day kills its effectiveness.]

And that's the overall problem with your "humor." You have zero creativity so you can't think of anything NEW to say. You're probably saying the same insults you said in eighth grade. Or at least it seems that your sense of humor stalled at that point.

But there IS hope. I suggest a good creative writing course. In the one I had in high school (12th grade... ya'know... the one YOU skipped), we had many kinds of writing exercises. We wrote a myth forgawdsake, along with short poems in the style of various famous poets, short stories, editorials, and in many other formats.

The main idea behind creative writing is NOT to compile a long list of phrases to use (as you do). It's to foster a mind set of ORIGINAL thinking about situations... to mentally start with a blank sheet of paper each time you write. The old Red Smith quote is something like, "Good writing is easy. Just cut open a vein and bleed all over the page."

You don't "bleed" at all. Never. You just mindlessly repeat yourself. Like with Bonnie. You've been saying EXACTLY the same 10 or so ugly things about her for nearly a decade. Aren't you just TOTALLY bored with that? Seriously...

And then there's the cussing. Normal adults get over that by their mid-20s. We realize it's ineffective and really just intellectual laziness. The only buds of yours that remain impressed by it are Pikle and Vomit. And who would want them as yardsticks? The rest of your cult likes you *despite* your cussing, not because of it.

I sense that you want to go beyond cussing. I saw it when you *tried* to come up with a new "word" for me. Alas, you wound up with cocksuckingjewfagbitch. Compressing four slurs into one is NOT creative; it's just soporific. You need to "think outside of the box."

Try starting with a good thesaurus. As Zimagal once wrote, "Hmmmm....maybe 'needy' isn't the right description for you. How about 'an obtuse, insipid, jejune, banal, puerile, tedious, vapid, trite, impertinent snip with delusions of grandeur?' I do know the meaning of all the above words, and yes, it does mean I am smarter than you are--deal with it." Priceless!

You've often bragged about how your blog articles *only* take three minutes to write. It shows. And your lack of readership is the evidence. Take your time. THINK about what you want to say. Reread it and rewrite it until it's right. Yes, it IS work. But bleed a little and you'll be MUCH happier with the results.

As to the chat room, let me just note that QUANTITY is NOT the answer. You babble. Incessantly. Over and over and OVER. Haven't you ever noticed that--except for Bonnie and Guy and a couple of the lesser lights in Zombie World--nearly everyone else just disappears when y'all start and heads off to go read CNN or something while y'all rant on? Hello! That's because we've all gotten bored stupid with you!

Heck, I'm *still* trying out new forms of writing, and otherwise improving my skills, at age 64. And here you are at just 49 and you've given up??? Surely, you won't admit that "ol faggy" is thrashing you at this stuff? Right? Go on... give it a shot! Tick tock!

I'm just trying to help out a brother here. Besides, it's in my best interests, too. I hate falling asleep in the middle of one of your rants and banging my head on my desk.

"It's a Zombie Conspiracy!!!"

(Written 4/21/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

I'm among those least likely to believe in conspiracy theories, like the current "birther" nonsense. But I recognize that some people swear by them, even the few who still think the Moon landing was filmed on a back lot of a movie studio.

I also had thought about trying out my hand at long-form, interactive stories in the chat room. (Mensa was a true master at painting paranoid delusions in the room, so a tip of the hat to her.) So, here's the one I trotted out in the room the other morning.

ChristopherK2: I have a theory, guys.
Xxyesmemike: ok go for it ..
ChristopherK2: As we all know, Perky and Pikle are two of the lesser Zombies.
Xxyesmemike: ok
Automotive1: bottom feeders?
ChristopherK2: They're generally ignored even by other Zombies.
Xxyesmemike: lmao
Automotive1: true
Xxyesmemike: o my
Automotive1: golly
Perkyonex2: hence...we aren't zombie !
ChristopherK2: So, Zeeke banished them to the early a.m. hours with the assignment to make it as miserable as they make the rest of the day.
Xxyesmemike: its like a cult
Automotive1: I see
ChristopherK2: And there's plenty of proof for it.
Automotive1: yep
Xxyesmemike: its like shifts
Perkyonex2: I can't believe a grown man even thinks like that
ChristopherK2: Like Pikle and Perky repeatedly reporting their results in the room in the evening.
Automotive1: true
Automotive1: what a life
Perkyonex2: no one listens to us anyway
ChristopherK2: He pats them on the head a bit, and sends them back to the mess.

Xxyesmemike: he makes them feel good
ChristopherK2: And the other Zombies sometimes reluctantly chat with them to help out.
ChristopherK2: Otherwise, guys, we're about the only ones who will willingly chat with them.
ChristopherK2: I mean, who would? They've both become about 99% ugly in the room, driving nice people away from them.
Xxyesmemike: here to be a asshole then ?
Automotive1: 99.9 tyvm
ChristopherK2: And they say the same stupid crap every day over and over AND OVER til you want to poke your eye with a sharp stick.
Xxyesmemike: does this make you feel good everyday perky ??
Automotive1: yes
Perkyonex2: K2 !!! you FINALLY said something true !!!
Perkyonex2: I say STUPID crap...
Perkyonex2: you are RIGHT
Perkyonex2: BINGO!!!!!
Automotive1: REDUNDANT
Xxyesmemike: then why post about what is said
Perkyonex2: THAT is the smartest thing I've ever seen K2 say
Automotive1: she has talked soooo much has nothing new to say UNLESS you all feed the Pig Information
Perkyonex2: STUPID Crap !!
Perkyonex2: EXACTLY!!!
Xxyesmemike: try playing bingo mite do something for you
ChristopherK2: I dimly remember when Perky used to be both nice and interesting. That was in her pre-Zombie days.
Perkyonex2: lol
ChristopherK2: Pikle never was, at least that I remember.
Perkyonex2: OMG a MAJOR break through
Automotive1: I think her mother liked her
Automotive1: not sure
Xxyesmemike: play bingo ,, when alan gets home yall can kissie face
ChristopherK2: Pikle reminds me more of Funix, who used to type random symbols into the room.
ChristopherK2: Then he joined Mensa, became the Chief Techie for the Soss Cult.
Perkyonex2: I love it. K2..said it all this morning I say STUPID CRAP
Perkyonex2: Mikey's STUPID CRAP
ChristopherK2: Suddenly he was "popular," or so he thought.
Xxyesmemike: funny perky you and your buddys only see this ..
Perkyonex2: there is a GOD !!!
ChristopherK2: After Mensa came to her senses and left, poor Funix went back to being ignored by everyone.
Xxyesmemike: perky is popular now wooohoooo
Xxyesmemike: all bow
Perkyonex2: I am?
Xxyesmemike: you try too be ..
Perkyonex2: ^5 K2
ChristopherK2: So, once Zeeke leaves--and we all know that he will--then Pikle will go back to being universally ignored.
Automotive1: she has hit bottom
Perkyonex2: LMAO
Perkyonex2: that's funny as shit
ChristopherK2: But alas for Perky, she shot her pre-Zombie popularity in the foot.
Automotive1: she did
Automotive1: AGAIN
Perkyonex2: I could give a rats ass what anyone in here thinks about me
Xxyesmemike: lmao
ChristopherK2: The other Zombies have nothing in common with her, so they'll ignore her again.
Automotive1: most of the gals that IM me say she is a fool
Perkyonex2: and that's fine
Xxyesmemike: wow chris .
ChristopherK2: And those who USED to like her will no longer have anything to do with her.
ChristopherK2: So, she'll be all alone, except for Alan.
Xxyesmemike: they see crap is crap
Perkyonex2: define have anyting to do with me?
ChristopherK2: boo hoo....
Automotive1: poor BASTARD
Perkyonex2: I'm a loner...Ive said that many times in here also
Perkyonex2: I don't need people
Perkyonex2: MIKEYS STUPID CRAP

Perkyonex2: Mikey...why don't you discuss K2s "fiance" with him
Perkyonex2: he seems to be in here an awful lot for someone who is engaged
Xxyesmemike: why
Perkyonex2: why isn't he spending time with his fiance?
Xxyesmemike: well he is not married
Perkyonex2: so
Perkyonex2: he's engaged
Xxyesmemike: married you spend each day with each other
Perkyonex2: shouldn't he be spending time with his fiance
ChristopherK2: Gee... Perky is getting all hyperventilated and stuff. I wonder why.
Xxyesmemike: you spend as much time as you need .. till you get married
Perkyonex2: we see each other more than a lot of people do
Perkyonex2: I am?

ChristopherK2: Good thing she logs the room, which will make it easy to send all of this to Zeeke and the other Zombies.
ChristopherK2: I expect to catch shit for all of this for YEARS to come.
ChristopherK2: MANY years...
Perkyonex2: you won't catch shit for years
ChristopherK2: "I still remember when K2 ranted for HOURS one morning about a conspiracy theory for the Zombies. He's soooooooooo addicted to us."

ChristopherK2: I think I just wrote my next blog article on-the-fly.
Perkyonex2: YAY! !
ChristopherK2: I wasn't paying attention all the time. Was Perky foaming at the mouth the whole time, or just intermittently?
Perkyonex2: make sure you spell MIKEYS STUPID CRAP correctly
Xxyesmemike: another 40 some posts .. on how 10 years act
Xxyesmemike: olds
ChristopherK2: I mean, I saw her repeat some stupid Zombie crap about my fiancee. Was there anything else she said of note?
Automotive1: nope
ChristopherK2: Good... it's sometimes hard to tell at 3,000 wpm.
Xxyesmemike: just makes the crew say ... good job perky ..
Xxyesmemike: she gets a pat on the back today
ChristopherK2: I'm sure she will, guys. Zeeke is usually generous with his praise when she claims a "great victory" over us.
Xxyesmemike: do you get a prize for this

Xxyesmemike: hold your head high .. go to work tell everyone .. i kicked there ass in a chat room
Xxyesmemike: she is a chat room star ..hmm wonder if we could make a song about this
ChristopherK2: The Zombies are more like a collection of needy, obsessive folks desperately clinging to each other.
Xxyesmemike: good point chris

[Extraneous and plain stupid chat deleted, along with any that didn't fit my purposes.]

"A New Life Form?"

I originally wrote this 4/14/98 as my first submission to the old Creative Weirdo Convention message board. It was one of several creative writing forums AOL had back in the day.

I've always liked the article; it still makes me laugh. And I think it was one of my best creative writing efforts. It was actually fact-based, written after I spent way too long one day cleaning the gunk out of my microwave. The forum wanted "weird," so I gave them weird. They liked it.

"A New Life Form?"

Today I did my semiannual cleaning of the microwave.

I've been on a Cheerios-and-pizza (Domino's--med. hand tossed with ham, pineapple and mushroom) only diet for a couple of months, and thus have nuked pizza every other day. As bits of mushroom and pineapple have fallen off, I've swatted them into the corners.

They had kinda formed neat little piles of hardening and decaying food groups there, but apparently something more has been going on. As I hand-swept the piles out, I noticed that one pile was still rather warm. I dimly recall spilling some cocoa in that area. I carefully culled the various pieces of now-barely-identifiable matter, and noticed that one was a combination grayish brown/yellow.

It appears to be fused pieces of pineapple and mushroom, almost artistically interlaced. It remains warm to the touch, and has a barely perceptible vibration to it. (A low-frequency mating call, perhaps?) It has no noticeable odor (but this is allergy season and my nose is pretty much blocked). It hasn't hardened nearly as much as the others and, in fact, has roughly the same resiliency as a Gummy Bear.

I called the local Domino's to discuss it. (Is this a common occurrence? Does it have any special HazMat disposal requirements? etc.) I was quickly kicked up to the General Counsel's Office of Domino's International. One of their Harvard Boys (*My* law diploma has a MUCH longer name on it, so take THAT, Harvard Boy!) offered me a small fortune to hush this up.

No WAY!!! I see the Big Bucks being handed out on Oprah, et al, and this is my chance at the lotto.

I guess my remaining questions are: can this THING survive outside of the microwave? And if so, can I train it to do cutesy tricks?

Zombies can't count

This was sent to us.

"Why Don't They Just Bash the Truth?"

(Written 4/5/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog) As I said earlier, I've been very open here about myself, and I've met hundreds of AOLers. So, I'm not sure why my obsessors need to make up stuff about me. Heck, the truth is awful enough. If I were of a mind to bash myself, I'd attack some of the following: My Body Bleeh... it's OLD, it's frail, and it has never been much to look at. When I look in the mirror, what I see is mostly an enormous nose, floppy ears, no chin, and a tiny mouth. True, I do have the killer baby blue eyes, but still... The rest of my body is one mass of confusion and contradiction. I inherited my dad's lower body (he was 6'3", about 210), but my mom's upper one (5'5", 120). So I basically look like a frickin' horse. Don't believe me? Here's a pic of me from my youth. I'm 2nd from the left--the one who's ALL LEGS and NO CHEST. My body has been generally very functional, but betrays me in many small ways. I'm not sure how bashable these are (I'll yield to the expertise of my obsessors on that). But my vision, for example, sucks. I'm pathetically colorblind, and I generally inherited my mom's bad eyes. When she'd go to the eye doc, he'd ask her to read the letter on the chart. She'd respond, "What chart"? He'd say, "On the wall over there." She'd say, "What wall???" I also have flat feet, knobby knees, scars all over the place, Crohn's disease, the perpetual runs, allergies to almost everything, love handles, and (recently) a small beer gut (from too many boxes of Good & Plenty). My Brain Yes, I have a fine brain as to logical thinking. But it otherwise is often a hassle. I can barely draw a stick figure. My memory's rapidly becoming a sieve. I have very little understanding of many subjects, such as history. I'm also somewhat obsessive-compulsive, witness my spices being in alphabetical order. I often have trouble getting off of a tangent. I'm also a bit ADHD. Miscellaneous I'm a very calm guy, which most women find a mixed bag. I let my irritation with people show more often than I should. I can be haughty at times, and occasionally sanctimonious. So, given all that to bash, just making up stuff about me seems to reflect the accuser's agenda more than anything else.

"Profound Bigotry from Zeeke and the Zombies"

(Written 4/1/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

From recent posts:
<< The fag needs to get out of the closet >>
<< hey flower growing gay dude >>
<< he likes dick. He should hook up with Guy. >>

It's getting harder and harder to tell the Zombies apart these days. More and more they focus their ugliness on various forms of bigotry (racism, anti-Semitism, misogyny, socio-economic class, handicap, etc.)

It started, of course, with Zeeke's virulent words, such as "cocksuckingfagjewbitch." Over time he managed to attract a rag tag group of other ugly bigots including some notable mainly for N-Word Bombs (Pikle and Vomit), and others who mostly just me-too including Bak, Jack, and SamBow. At one time, I thought it was just the males, but I changed my mind on that when I saw Beth call Takoma an "injun" and "half-breed" and labeled me as Jewish. (I thought Beth was better than that.... oh well.)

It's easy to imagine how this bonding develops over time. A Zombiewannabe IMs Zeeke: "I hate those ______, too! Can I join your cult?"

I'm beginning to think that ugly bigotry is about *all* they share, or that it's at least a critical feature. They seem to have little else in common. And such ugliness is about all they say together in the room, except for occasional forays when the room is almost dead into "car chat" between the guys or "chick chat" between the gals.

And it's always fun watching their contortions when one spews something like "Fatgurlz" or "blob" and then rapidly backtracks to say he didn't mean so-and-so Zombie. Or when they make some blanket anti-Semitic remark, realize too late that Res Lend is there, and then have to stumble thru saying that he's a "Good jew."

I suspect that their ugly bigotry is also a core reason why they remain a small clique with declining influence. Normal, mature adults understand that bigotry is, as George Will once said, "a stench in the nostrils of reasonable people." And the common reaction to it is to avoid further contact with such people. I mean, who really wants to defend being a BFF with someone who spews such ignorance and hatred?