Ugly as ever

Ugly is back, and ugly as ever.

I've never been one to embarrass easily. I fully understand that I was born of parents who rightfully should have been embraced by a roadside freak show, so my threshold for embarrassment is non-existent.

I also had an older brother who took great pride in reminding me daily of how ugly I am. He'd encourage me to wear ski-masks in the summer, and even till this day he buys me Hunchback of Notre Dame videos for Christmas. Best of all, he would leave the lid up and the bowl unflushed after his daily dusting. Wouldn't have been all that bad had he not told me daily to go look in the mirror in the bowl..

Not to mention, being so clumsy as a child, I was reduced to playing with the girls. There's no better way to be told you're ugly than to have to spend every afternoon with the neighborhood girls. Afternoons that consisted of having my hair style till I had 9 degrees of hair unfitness, being pinned down and having the latest eye shadows tested out on my lids first, you get the drift. Thanks to Ivana Nitikitin, I now boast nine eyelashes after she read that they eyelashes grow back very long if you pluck them all and put mink oil on your lids. (I will refrain from telling you of what happened when these girls got older and needed someone to model clothes for them.)

When you're ugly you get very thick skin. It's a curse, and a blessing. You don't have to worry much about older cougars showing up at your door. You don't have to worry about any woman showing up at your door. Hell you don't even have to worry about people looking at you at all.

Russians are worst than prostitutes on Rodeo drive. Russian liquor, cold weather, and being locked in for weeks at a time have beds rocking like jackhammers. Russians fuck, and fuck a lot. Few are virgins past 13. Unless you are hideous looking. Having bulbous eyes that couldn't stop looking at each other, being cursed with thick trout lips that never set together due to a severe overbite, slumped shoulders, elongated ears with hair all over them, a curvy nose that left girls asking if "it" was the same way, just didn't get the women flocking. Even with vast amounts of liquor.

Hanging out with girls prepared me for my eventual best blessing. Being one of the girls growing up isn't fun for a guy, but it has it's pays off. First you get to see every female in town in various states of undress as they consult you for your fashion opinion. This leads you to having more staying power than any guy around, way before you ever get any. Just try sprouting a woody in a room full of females holding a lingerie party. I still have the scars from the heels I was beat with.

Second, you learn exactly what females like and don't like. There's no dating needed to learn this when you have one girl after another telling you of her experience with this vibrator, that one,

I suppose I should let you know my bitch days went much deeper than just this. Of course I was the one sent to town to buy maxi-pads, I had to go to the depot and pick up the vibrators that were always ordered under my name, I was asked to check their shave jobs and occasionally fix them, asked to zip up tight clothing, paint nails, and so on.

Men will fight wars over pussy. Or to obtain it. When you're ugly as hell, you know there's two ways you're going to get regularly laid. After the first prostitute I approached scurried away, I knew I had to hit the books. And hard. I studied, and studied, and studied. Then came a scholarship. Two years later, I'm still not getting laid, so I apply to a distinguished program for Engineers. I'm accepted. I rush off to a foreign land.

Five years later, I have two degrees and a good job. 25 and still a virgin. I'd be a liar if I told you there wasn't a few opportunities. Drunk college girls are easier than lot lizard begging hairy truckers to spare $5 for a gum less blow job. I had a few crawl in my bed. However, I just couldn't bring myself to taking advantage of them in their state of intoxication.

I was 26 when I first laid eyes on her. The bluest eyes, the kind you just can get lost in. She had short bouncy hair, perfect skin, thick eyebrows, and a shrilly but cute voice that said how are you in a warm way. I nodded and of course looked right away she said that in passing. I didn't see her again for a few weeks, this time I ran into her at a local park. On her hair was a butterfly clip this time. She walked right up to me, and said, "Hey, aren't you the guy who saved that kitten from being hit by the car?"

(A few months before this I saw someone discard a box out of a vehicle. Right after, I noticed the box moving, so I ran over to it. A small kitten was in it).

"Why yes, I was." She went on to tell me just how much she appreciated that. That her roommate had brought the kitten home that night, and how she had fell completely in love with it. She told me she wanted to thank me for doing this when a home cooked dinner. I couldn't stop looking at this woman. She was drop dead gorgeous, so I quickly accepted.

Soon after this, we became very good friends. She had grown up in Vancouver, had a degree in Interior Decorating but worked in a cake shop, and had come to Germany with a friend for one year. She loved to sing, dance, cook desserts, make jewelry, explore museums, swim, and wanted two children. She was very spirited, loved to be around people, and had non-stop energy. On the weekends, we began traveling all over Germany with roommate Veronica and her boyfriend Raphael.

Of course, I was very careful to walk behind her, never make any attempt to hit on her. I knew I'd never have a chance in hell with this girl; she was breathtakingly beautiful. She didn't have a boyfriend at the time, but dated many men. Being the bitch of my childhood, she sought my dating therapy, and I gave it to her, ever so keeping my jealousy to myself.

After one year, she left, and I cried for a week straight. For the first time in my life, I was deeply in love. I continued to call her every day. I missed those blue eyes so much I began painting them. One very brave night thanks to Grey Goose, I shipped a painting I had made of her. She called me up crying, saying that was the most touching thing anyone had every done for her. On and on she went about how I am the only guy in the world who has ever listened to her, that I'm the only guy in the world she can completely trust, and so on. She suggested I move to Vancouver because she greatly missed our friendship.

Three months later, I transferred to Seattle. On the weekends I'd transport to Vancouver. We spent every single weekend together, in between her dating schedule. She was not 27. I picked her up and comforted her weekend after weekend as one guy after another didn't appreciate her beautiful soul, listening to her deep wails from a heartbreak.

One night, about four years after we first met, she called me up and asked me to come meet her at a hotel. I got there and she was in an pearl evening dress with matching heels. My heart beat was faster and faster seeing her. She led me to a table with a candlelight on it. We were the only persons in the room.

"Rocco, I want to marry you," and she presented a set of rings. I was floored, we had never even kissed. She giggled and said give me your hand, and made a bitch out of me putting a ring on my left finger. I quickly took it off and slid it on her finger, and asked some deep questions. We were married five months later.

We made an arrangement on my wedding night. I'd pretend always to be some stranger behind her in public, never appear in any tight-wighties around her, and the lights will always be kept off during well. She would continue to be my best friend and lover if so.

The 24th was the 14th year anniversary of marrying my best friend in the world. We celebrated this with a trip to Sweden.

Happy Anniversary to the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on, the mother of my children, my wife Monika.

"Quit Your Pathetic Whining!"

(Written by ChristopherK2 6/22/11 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

Zeeke and Vomit have recently gone on a serious whinefest on their blogs about me holding the bolt in the Over 35 room. They even incorporated lots of cutesy drawings, including my fav caricature of me by SexySplder.

But their articles are built on a common LIE... that me holding the bolt is somehow connected to them starting a new room. It's not. I'm sure they both know that I do not (unlike Zeeke) bolt room regulars nor do I (as Zeeke blogged) "censor" anyone. Many of the regulars in their room have been chatting in the Over 35 room without incident since I've had the bolt, including Perky, Alan, Dee, Cindy, Mafia, Pantry, Feefers, Jazzys, and even Vomit himself (with whom I recently had a pleasant chat).

If they (or anyone) want to be in their own room because they don't like me and/or Bonnie and/or anyone else, they could've easily done that at any time BEFORE I got the bolt. My ownership of the bolt is meaningless per se, except that the room no longer gets infected with bots, trollers, etc.

And Zeeke did his usual dance... complaining in one post that I was being too nice to Vomit on Vomit's blog, and doing a 180 on the next post, claiming I was trying to "thwart the efforts of the new blogger at everyturn." ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz Doesn't he ever get tired of that intellectual whiplash?

As to Vomit's new blog, it's often amusing and I've complimented him on it (contrary to Zeeke's recent whining). Vomit's even characterized me as a "fan." I've told him, however, that doing a bash & run of me wasn't especially cool.

So, if you guys want to stay in your room for whatever reason, fine with me. I enjoy the Over 35 room as it is, and as I have for almost 15 years. But please DO accept responsibility for YOUR decisions, and don't use ME as a straw man to shift the blame. Only Zombies will buy your LIES and weak logic. Which was probably your target audience anyway...

Up Up and away

Ugly is off to Sweden. Try to behave.

"Chicks Dig It"

(Written 6/17/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

I *try* to smoke all of my cigarettes out on my patio. I do this not because I dislike the smell but because others tell me it makes my house stink.

But I'm not batting 1.000. A cigarette seems right when taking a nice dump. And it's hard to go without one for as long as it takes to shave, shower, and dress. And after waking, I can't wait thru getting dressed (especially since I started using compression socks... ugghh), etc., for that first one of the day. And then there's... I think y'all get the picture.

So, I probably smoke about five cigarettes a day in my bathroom, with the exhaust fan running during and for about 10 minutes after.

I had been using some neutral-scented air freshener (Lysol? I forget.), but it recently ran out. While shopping at the store for a replacement, I noticed that nearly all of the current brands have... ummm... chick scents. There is NO "Eau de Budweiser," "Hamburger Sizzling on a Grill," or even "3-Day Old Sweat." Phooey!

Left to pick from all the Chick Scents, I remembered back to a chat with a Hot Babe cashier at a car wash in Phoenix, AZ. She said I *should* have a scent thing hanging from my mirror; the favorite scent among Hot Babes like her was, oddly enough, Vanilla; and, we're having a Special on it TODAY ONLY for JUST $10. Like ANY guy, I would've bought Eau de Brussels Sprouts if SHE had recommended it.

Naturally, I then searched for a vanilla-scented air freshener. There weren't any that were *just* vanilla. Yeah, let's NOT make it easy on the Buyer. So I settled for Febreze's "Lavender, Vanilla & Comfort." Lavender I like. What's "Comfort"??? I have no idea, but I'm sure it's absolutely splendid. Why else would Febreze stick it in there?

About now, I'm sure you're wondering: why is Christopher torturing himself over bathroom air fresheners? That automatically means you're a Chick. Any Guy would know. We do this on the off chance that Angelina Jolie will knock on our door asking to use our bathroom. And somehow she'll be soooooooooo impressed with our bathroom odor that she'll want to have sex with us, and right NOW. D'oh!

Sooooo, five times a day I'm saturating my bathroom with the lovely smells of lavender, vanilla, and juniper. Juniper? Yes, that's what Febreze's web site says the "Comfort" scent is. Ya'right... not to THIS gardener. A juniper is a boring evergreen tree/shrub that when cut smells like, well... sap. Alrighty then...

In my totally uneducated olfactory view, the Fabreze, cig smoke, and other normal bathroom odors have combined to make my bathroom smell like a French Whore. Few Guys really know what a French Whore smells like. The rest of us just use the term to describe what a woman smells like who uses waaaaaaaaaaay too much cheapass toilet water bought in the handy gallon bottle with a hand pump. Oh, and our grandmothers.

Worse, I haven't yet figured out how to avoid getting drenched by the bazillion droplets that invade the bathroom every time I use that "sweeping motion" to spray "throughout the entire room." (I'm German. I follow directions *exactly*.) I've tried bobbing and weaving, backing out of the room while spraying, and covering myself in a bath towel. No luck. Now, of course, *I* smell like a French Whore for most of the day.

Given my usual luck with women, Angelina Jolie WILL stop by next week and WILL ask to use my bathroom. When she comes out, however, she'll say, "I *hate* that 'Comfort' odor. It smells like frickin' SAP. I HATE Sap. It reminds me of the rain forests we're killing off EVERY DAY. If you had used just Vanilla, I would've come out of the bathroom in my sexiest lingerie and high heels and said, 'Do me NOW, Big Boy'."

Oh well... maybe Jennifer Aniston loves the smell of sap...

Instructions for Cindy

I was asked by an old friend of yours to post these instructions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jh9lUakyPKE


Shave! If you can't reach it get a close friend to.
Douche. It could be internal not external.
If it still smells, go see a doctor it could be an infection.

"Welcome to Blog World, Vomit"

(Written 6/14/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

Didn't Vomit often used to say, "Anyone who has a blog is a Loser"? Well, now he be one!

And who knew that he could actually write things that vaguely look like whole paragraphs?

But one tip, Vomit: when your Zombie Master publicizes your blog one day and adds that "I'll keep the mystery blogger a secret," it probably wasn't a good idea to open your blog the next day with your SN splattered all over it. << chuckle, chuckle >> It just adds to the general impression that he's slowly losing control over Zombie World.

I also seem to recall you regularly commenting negatively on my pics. (Or maybe that was the Zombie from Florida whateverhissnis. Sorry if I've confused you two... quite understandable, though. Two peas in a bigoted, ugly, stupid, negative pod, so to speak...) And I see that you included your pic on your blog. I'm a very nice guy and would never say anything negative about your appearance. So let's just leave it at neither of us looks like Brad Pitt. But at least one of us always looks sober in his pics...

As to your personal advice to me to "GET OUT AND MEET PEOPLE," I was glad to see that you expanded on Ham's and Cindy's utterly stupid comments to an avid gardener that I should get outside more for some fresh air and sunshine. << snort >> But coming from someone who (1) now writes what, 5?, articles a day for his blog, (2) yammers in the chat room for several hours a day, and (3) gets "piss drunk" on the weekends, WTF exactly are YOU to give ANYONE social advice? And when you've met about 500 AOLers among thousands of others, give me a holler.

Personally, I think you're still just pissed at me for repeatedly pointing out what a frickin' ugly racist you are. That NWordVomit nickname I gave you stung, huh? Oh well, boo frickin' hoo.

As to your genuinely clueless comment about your perception of my negativity here, let's see you post some original poetry or fiction on your blog, then we'll talk. Or nice pics of pretty flowers? Articles about interesting events in your life? Anything other than your pale imitation of Zeeke's relentless, disgusting, and boring ugliness would be a nice change of pace for you.

BTW, I loved your disclaimer that you NEVER EVER read this blog, except of course, "JUST TODAY THO, AFTER SOMEONE SENT ME THE LINK." As your Zombie Master often says, "That's some funny shit right there."

How's the new look?

We at Ugly Marylanders decided a new look was needed. Let us know your thoughts.

"Ann Coulter Trashes Zeeke and the Zombies"

(Written 6/9/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders blog)

For those of you not familiar with Ann Coulter, she's the blond bombshell/ super-intelligent lawyer/ and right wing, fire-breathing, award-winning columnist, author, speaker, and tv commentator. Some of her trashing of liberals and others who cross her has been legendary.

I recently sent her some materials about Zeeke and the Zombies and she decided they were worthy of a column. She said she'd have to disguise them as liberals because, frankly, no one gives a crap about Zeeke and the Zombies outside of a small, meaningless corner of AOL.

Her initial summary of Zeeke and the Zombies was, "(they) have all the earmarks of mob psychology. Their myths, slogans, demands for immediate action, messianic goals, demonization of opponents... and occasional resorts to violence--all this is classic herd behavior."

Shades of Mensa, sure, but oh so familiar to anyone who has watched Zeeke and the Zombies in action in the chat room. The endless threats of violence, especially, by Zeeke and several of the male Zombies apparently greatly affected Ann. And their widespread use of ugly nicknames such as "Ol Faggy" and "Cocksuckingjewfagbitch" surely offended her keen intellect and sensibilities.

She went on to note that, "(Zombies) are irrational, immature, subject to wild passions and infatuations, they cannot be reasoned with. And they are always dangerous."

The lady knows how to zero in on a target, doesn't she?

She heated up with, "The mob attributes of (Zombies)... are a crowd's inability to perceive contradictions and its tendency to form an infatuation for an individual."

I guess she must've noticed the many times Zeeke and the Zombies tell others what to do that they themselves are unwilling to do, etc., or the toll their behavior has taken on the room over the last couple of years. And, gee, those pics of the Zombies with the "I Love Zeeke" tats no doubt caught her eye.

She next mentioned a quote from Gustave Le Bon that, "the convictions of (Zombies) assume those characteristics of blind submission, fierce intolerance, and the need of violent propaganda which are inherent in the religious sentiment."

[Don't you love people who can quote a French psychologist/socialist who died almost 80 years ago? Like I said, she's a super-intelligent and educated woman.]

Gee... blind submission by the Zombies? Check. Fierce intolerance? Check! Violent propaganda? Check!!! If he wasn't already long dead, I'd have to assume that ol Gustave was watching Zeeke and the Zombies on a widget.

Ann, of course, had a fine ending summary of what ails Zeeke and the Zombies: "Perhaps if they believed in a real God, (Zombies) wouldn't have to keep creating an endless stream of human gods." So, she essentially agrees with me; Zeeke isn't a god. He's just another Idiot!

Oh, and Ann's new book is, "Demonic: How the Liberal Mob Is Endangering America."
I'm sure it will be her *eighth* straight to make the NY Times Best Seller List. Its working title was, "How Zeeke and the Zombie Mob is Killing the Chat Room." (chuckle, chuckle)

"Ask and Ye Shall Receive... Mensa vs. Ham"

(Written 6/5/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

<< Mensa versus Ham thats an article for Chris to write >>

Although I'm not exactly thrilled with either, what the heck...

Mensa has much larger bazooms, and has that attractive sweaty look about her that men lust after but won't admit to. Mensa is either much funnier or (to borrow an appropriate Zeeke term) batshit crazy. And she's a world class typist.

Beth is prettier in a classic sense, but comparatively frail-looking. She also has stunning gams. And Beth is somewhat more educated, although both are very smart and well-educated.

Both are also apparently good mothers, although I have no great basis for saying that. Mensa's a non-linear, creative thinker, while Beth is a rather straight-forward one.

I'd take Beth to a White House State Dinner-Dance. I'd take Mensa to a honky-tonk on Shooter Night. And I'd enjoy both equally.

I'd bet the ranch on Mensa in a mud-wrestling match.

I'd also guess Mensa's much better in the sack, if you like that headboard-banging, leather & whips, primal scream scene. I think of Beth more as a quiet moaner.

But I wouldn't tell either a single personal detail of my life, unless I wanted the entire world to know it. And that's the sad rub with both... .

"Zeeke and the Zombies Are Having Withdrawal Pains"

(Written 6/3/11 by PrancerTheSwami for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

Since the split of the room, Zeeke and the Zombies have been jonesing bad for The Swami. The Swami has gotten used to being the main focal point of Zeeke and the Zombies, but their behavior since the room split has The Swami a bit worried. The Swami has just never understood addicts and their behaviors.

Take Zeeke... please. HA HA Anyway... Zeeke's behavior has been typical. Well, typical of any addict deprived of their fix. Having impulsively chosen to create a new room out of an unjustified fear of getting bolted, he didn't realize that he could no longer call The Swami "cocksuckingfagjewbitch" 25 times a day in the old room. And his incessant whining in his new room about The Swami has obviously left him still "in need" of a Swami-bashing fix.

So, Zeeke's taken two large steps to get some relief. He's writing articles on his blog about The Swami at a feverish pace. He even felt such a strong need for a Swami Fix that he added 34 comments to one of his articles in a span of just three minutes. The Swami respectfully suggests that just posting "Swami, PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE give me some attention!!!!" would've worked as well and saved him many keystrokes.

Zeeke's second step was to send a flurry of Zombies into the regular room to let The Swami know just how very special he is. But desperation breeds stupidity, as in sending a gal who says she's a middle-aged corporate executive who's happily married, financially set, blah blah blah, into the room 100 times a day to beg people to come to his room. That's just pathetic. Seriously! And Zeeke's cowardice certainly doesn't justify pointing a stream of Zombie Drive-byers at us who have nothing more creative to say than, ":::sounds Brain Fog Horn:::." Lordy... Zeeke apparently doesn't have anyone else in his room with, say, a triple-digit IQ??? C'mon, wake Beth up for a few minutes from the semi-coma she's been in since siding with you, and have her write something with a minor spark of wit.

The Swami, in all honesty, must admit to missing Zeeke a bit. His forefinger, however, is grateful for no longer having to point at the monitor 132 times a day while The Swami mutters, "You're an Idiot!" The Swami's forefinger says that Zeeke's current pace of blogging about The Swami causes a sustainable pace of finger-pointing.

Oh, and The Swami appreciates the subtle humor of Zeeke in one article claiming he created his new room to "allow the free flow of thoughts and ideas without some cranky ole hypercritical gurlyman censoring our chat" while noting in the very next article his policy on bolting people from his room he doesn't like just for shits & giggles. That "free flow" somehow got lost during the 26 hours between articles. (chuckle, chuckle) The Swami has always been fascinated by such random musings of the lower life forms.

Cheating

Perky's cheating? Fug too?

"Today, I Remember"

"Today, I Remember"
(Posted to the Uglier Marylanders blog 5/30/11 by ChristopherK2)

[FYI, this is a "prayer poem" that I originally wrote for Memorial Day, 1997, and that I've since been posting somewhere on this very special holiday. A composite pic of me and my Uncle Mike appears below.]


To the soldiers who, like my Uncle Mike, gave their lives for our country:

Too often I forget about you, but today, I remember.
My thoughts are crowded with images of the Hell you confronted.
You fought those demons, and I am awed by the bravery you summoned.
Your blood was spilled in countless places, all now hallowed grounds.
You sacrificed yourself for us, and I am humbled by your deeds.
You left behind friends and family, who must be so very proud.
But there is a hole in their lives that cannot be filled.
No mere words can properly convey the feelings that I have, now.
But, from a grateful citizen, thank you.
May your souls rest in eternal peace.
And I pray that there is a special place in Heaven reserved for you.

And to my Uncle Mike, this much more:

Your life and death have touched so many, in ways that are still being tallied.
I pray that you, Grandma, Granddad, Helen, Hilda, Celia,
Dad, Mom, and David are together again.
The rest of us will join you, soon enough.
And then our family can be whole, again.

You died in a lonely battlefield in France, surrounded by unimaginable horror.
You were so alone then... how did you find the courage?
And how do I find it? Is it within me?
You are so much a part of me, and I can never forget you.
For every time I look in the mirror, I also see you.

But today is a special day.
I honor the memory of you with this writing.
I know that it is small, compared to the sacrifice that you made.
But, from a grateful citizen, thank you.
And from your nephew, thank you for what you gave me.
May your soul rest in eternal peace.

By Christopher

Copyright 5/26/97, 5/30/11

All hands for the Ronnie intervention

We must get Ronnie in a rehab asap.

YOUMAKEMEVOMlT6: i know for a fact ive overdosed on alcohol many many times

"Caution: Children at Play"

(Written 5/24/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

[For those who didn't know, about a week ago AOL was having serious technical problems and closed all of the chat rooms four times within a day. I wound up the room owner of the Marylanders Over 35 room the last two times, and I still am. Zeeke and the Zombies fled and created their own room, despite my position that I wouldn't ban any room regulars.]

Both groups seem happy with the new arrangement, so I'm not sure why some from the other room persist in childish crap.

It's taken two forms so far. They come in to the Over 35 room under Sham screen names, like "Bonnies Liver." I have no idea who they are, so I ban them. The other childish form is the drive-by. They come in under their normal SN, fire a copy/paste of some ugly stupidity, and then hastily flee. The quickness used to be necessary to avoid getting banned, but I don't do that. So I have no idea why they flee so rapidly.

Below are some examples of the drive-bys. Keep in mind that these people are supposedly mature adults, most in their 40s or older. Perky, for example, has been around AOL many years, and says she's a corporate executive who's happily married. And yet, she now spends her precious spare time as Chief Spammer for the Zeeke Cult.

Perkyonex2: Lonely? Tired of the same old self righteous, boring rants? Visit the Love Fest Room and actually Chat with real fonts on subjects that make sense!

Perkyonex2: OnlineHost: *** You have ejected GuyLikesDark from this room ***
Perkyonex2: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[The latter remark of Perky's apparently reflects one of those mature topics they discuss there regularly.]

Dee Md 9257: wow...you all sure did kill this room...way to go .....


Dee Md 9257: new room...you're not invited...life is great..ta ta

HeddRoxx1: :::sounds Brain Fog Horn:::

EminenceFrontal: wow...it's hopping in here

EminenceFrontal: just kill it
EminenceFrontal: let it go
EminenceFrontal: end the misery

Well, let me just say this in the vernacular of such 12-year-old girls: Namby-pamby boo fuckin' hoo. :)~~

And today's lotto winner is

The Swami. Doing a little magic carpet ride that sanity has come back to the room. Bet the non-lifers are having a melt down over this.

How to become a stalker

I'm wondering if Cindy could shed some tips on why and how to develop a stalking career. If not, maybe us normal people can discuss on why someone would want to spend 19 hours a day googling others?

Hot or not

I thought it might make a good topic to discuss whether Rose is hot or not. What is or isn't attractive about her?

"You're an Idiot!"

"You're an Idiot!"
(Written 5/7/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

I was under somewhat of a handicap when I joined AOL: I had only known "normal" people up until that time.

Sure, there was the occasional oddball, juvenile delinquent, or stoner. But even they fell within a fairly loose definition of normal. And when I first joined the chat room, it was full of normal people. There were a few people who got somewhat pissy with newbies, (probably because of possession issues) and with each other. But it was almost entirely mature, educated, interesting adults.

Then AOL went to the flat rate, sent out a bazillion CDs, and millions of kids were given computers for Christmas. Suddenly AOL and the room were flooded with kids. That wasn't too bad because I had already been a stepdad. So, I at least understood them although I didn't consider the vast majority of them adults. Several of them were actually quite interesting.

But the real change began with the Mensa Cult and SexySplder. I had never been around anyone like them or the "kronies." And they brought out the latent stupidity in many others. I was astounded and a bit confused by what developed. For reasons I still don't understand, I became intent on understanding these people. I wasted a lot of time trying to figure them out... what particular emotional/psychological issues did they have? Why??? What could I do?

Eventually, I was having a chat with an old buddy, ShadowFace, who knew several of them better than I did. So I asked him. And his answer set me on a new path. He said, simply, "Don't know. Don't care."

Thus, I decided to just lump all of the mentally/socially/psychologically impaired roomies under one heading, then Perm Ignore them (back when that was possible with PowerTools). I thought for a moment and settled on "Idiot" as the label.

So... what's the medical explanation for why a nearly 50-year-old guy spends 5-10 hours a day in an AOL chat room playing a "mind fuck" game? "Don't know. Don't care. He's an Idiot."

Why does another guy who lives 1,000 miles away spend a few hours a day cussing up a storm and viciously attacking people... err... SNs... he doesn't like? "Don't know. Don't care. He's an Idiot."

Why do some people here spew nasty racial, homophobic, anti-Semitic, and misogynistic slurs? "Don't know. Don't care. They're Idiots."

So, when you see me ignoring the insults, lies, etc., in the room--especially those directed at me--just imagine me mentally pointing my finger at the accuser and silently mouthing "You're an Idiot." I've been a LOT calmer and saved oodles of time since I adopted that philosophy.

And I wish a lot more people would do the same.

"Today's Lesson in Homophobia"

(Written 5/4/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

It must be tough being both a homophobe and a mindless basher. In order to avoid looking totally stupid...well, more so than usual... you have to remember what you bashed someone *else* about so that you don't wind up admitting that you do exactly the same thing.

And if you know ahead of time--or suddenly realize you screwed up and admitted that you do the same thing--you have to somehow create a distinction. Thus motorcycles are "manly" *except* purple ones, which are "gay." And planting flowers is manly (for some but not all Zombies) unless you plant pansies, which are gay.

Tonight, we saw another variant of this in the chat room. Near as I can tell from this and the related chat on Bonnie's blog, somehow exchanging cake icing recipes is "manly" but watching the recent royal wedding and/or discussing Kate's wedding dress is "gay." These distinctions just confuse me, but I'm confident that if the chats were reversed Zeeke and Ham would be busting on me for discussing the finer points of cake icing with six... count them, six... women.

TheZeekEffect: nix ate my icing by the spoonful
BrunetteLady12: I like custard filling
HamOnWryX2: i love that stuff
TheZeekEffect: 8 oz cream cheese and 5 cups of 10 x
Perkyonex2: is that how you make icing?
TheZeekEffect: i do
Perkyonex2: hmmm thats easy enough
SxyMAFlAHlTWoman: I like the custard with strawberries inside and whipped cream and strawberries (chocolate dipped) on the outside
TheZeekEffect: cream cheese peanut butter icing is good too
TheZeekEffect: a lil milk a lil vanilla..
Perkyonex2: how much peanut butter do you add?
TheZeekEffect: i never measure
Eyore4129: cream cheese and peanut butter..hmmm
Puppers66: lmao
Perkyonex2: you're like a grandmother...a pinch of that..pinch of this
TheZeekEffect: i would guess a cup

Puppers66: cakes by zeek

[about 2 minutes later:]

TheZeekEffect: I would also like to add that I dont know a single man who watched the royal wedding
TheZeekEffect: and get excited over royal weddings

"Early Bloomers"

(Written 4/26/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

The old adage "April Showers Bring May Flowers" hints at one challenge for gardeners. There really isn't much flowering going on IN April--much less March--for many folks. Sure, some smaller trees (cherry, dogwood, magnolia, redbud, and plum) kick in about mid-April. As do several medium-to-large shrubs, mostly the azalea-rhododendron-pieris group along with kerria and quince. But other than the forsythia, there's precious little in March or very early April. And there's almost nothing close to the ground other than creeping phlox.

To the rescue come bulbs! They've become less popular over the past 10 years or so because of the general impatience of people. ("I plant them NOW, but I don't see anything for five months???") I've always thought that a mistaken notion because there's a huge variety of sizes, shapes and colors for bulbs blooming from mid-March (crocus, hyacinth, dwarf iris), early April (daffodil, glory of the snow, grape hyacinth, puschkinia, squill, windflower), and mid-April (tulip).

And bulbs are far easier to plant and maintain than perennials. You just dig a moderate-size hole, plop in the bulbs, dump in a bunch of amended soil and fertilizer, add water, then forget about them for five months. Although the 1,700 bulbs I planted for this year sounds like a LOT, keep in mind that I plant them in clusters of 10-50, and even did one 40' trench with 200 of them.

There are many designs to use for bulbs. Although I tend towards the small clusters strewn all about, your imagination is your only real limit. At my old house, I did a large valentine with several different colors of crocus. A few examples follow:

A fine early-April bulb is the Grape Hyacinth, which also naturalizes (multiplies) very well (here in a cluster of about 45):













Tulips are a classic cluster type and come in many colors, shapes, and sizes. Below is a group of 15 small 'Apple Blossom Mix' near my patio.



I like to use larger tulips to surround plain evergreen shrubs. Here are 50 'Spring Essentials Mix' tulips surrounding a juniper.

My one major bulb project was the group of 200 I mentioned, which is along my parking lot. It's 125 grape hyacinth in front of 75 daffodils ('Dutch Master'). They both multiple readily, so in a few years they will have doubled or more and will look absolutely awesome. In the pic below, the daffodils had already started to fade a bit.













Another way to show color early in the year is plants noted for their foliage, and which don't die over the winter. Below are a couple of lovely coral bells ('Key Lime Pie' and 'Caramel') beside my shed. I have about 20 coral bells in a wide variety of colors and patterns.














As I mentioned, there are a few good shrubs that flower this early. One of my favs--just because the flower is so strange looking--is a fothergilla ('Blue Shadow'), below. They also smell like honey. Incidentally, its foliage starts out as blue-green and in the falls turns gorgeous shades of red, orange, and yellow.













Lastly, the pieris has weird-looking flowers if you've never seen one before. This one was planted long ago by the prior owner, so it's fully grown.



So, the message clearly is... PLANT SOME BULBS!

"On Creative Writing"

(Written 4/24/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

<< So much for K2s creative writing, this is nothing more than cut n paste. >> Zeeke

Let's skip by the logic of copy/pasting myself. Logic isn't your strength.

So let's look at the creative side. Your idea of creativity on a blog is to steal a semi-amusing pic via Google, label it as someone you hate, and add a bunch of your usual puerile insults. In the chat room, you do the same thing without the pics. You've been using the same dozen or so insults for many years, along with a couple of catch phrases.

[Minor tip: Saying "Did she just type that?" was amusing the first couple of times a few years ago, and could still be if you used it once a week or so. But saying it 10 times a day kills its effectiveness.]

And that's the overall problem with your "humor." You have zero creativity so you can't think of anything NEW to say. You're probably saying the same insults you said in eighth grade. Or at least it seems that your sense of humor stalled at that point.

But there IS hope. I suggest a good creative writing course. In the one I had in high school (12th grade... ya'know... the one YOU skipped), we had many kinds of writing exercises. We wrote a myth forgawdsake, along with short poems in the style of various famous poets, short stories, editorials, and in many other formats.

The main idea behind creative writing is NOT to compile a long list of phrases to use (as you do). It's to foster a mind set of ORIGINAL thinking about situations... to mentally start with a blank sheet of paper each time you write. The old Red Smith quote is something like, "Good writing is easy. Just cut open a vein and bleed all over the page."

You don't "bleed" at all. Never. You just mindlessly repeat yourself. Like with Bonnie. You've been saying EXACTLY the same 10 or so ugly things about her for nearly a decade. Aren't you just TOTALLY bored with that? Seriously...

And then there's the cussing. Normal adults get over that by their mid-20s. We realize it's ineffective and really just intellectual laziness. The only buds of yours that remain impressed by it are Pikle and Vomit. And who would want them as yardsticks? The rest of your cult likes you *despite* your cussing, not because of it.

I sense that you want to go beyond cussing. I saw it when you *tried* to come up with a new "word" for me. Alas, you wound up with cocksuckingjewfagbitch. Compressing four slurs into one is NOT creative; it's just soporific. You need to "think outside of the box."

Try starting with a good thesaurus. As Zimagal once wrote, "Hmmmm....maybe 'needy' isn't the right description for you. How about 'an obtuse, insipid, jejune, banal, puerile, tedious, vapid, trite, impertinent snip with delusions of grandeur?' I do know the meaning of all the above words, and yes, it does mean I am smarter than you are--deal with it." Priceless!

You've often bragged about how your blog articles *only* take three minutes to write. It shows. And your lack of readership is the evidence. Take your time. THINK about what you want to say. Reread it and rewrite it until it's right. Yes, it IS work. But bleed a little and you'll be MUCH happier with the results.

As to the chat room, let me just note that QUANTITY is NOT the answer. You babble. Incessantly. Over and over and OVER. Haven't you ever noticed that--except for Bonnie and Guy and a couple of the lesser lights in Zombie World--nearly everyone else just disappears when y'all start and heads off to go read CNN or something while y'all rant on? Hello! That's because we've all gotten bored stupid with you!

Heck, I'm *still* trying out new forms of writing, and otherwise improving my skills, at age 64. And here you are at just 49 and you've given up??? Surely, you won't admit that "ol faggy" is thrashing you at this stuff? Right? Go on... give it a shot! Tick tock!

I'm just trying to help out a brother here. Besides, it's in my best interests, too. I hate falling asleep in the middle of one of your rants and banging my head on my desk.

"It's a Zombie Conspiracy!!!"

(Written 4/21/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

I'm among those least likely to believe in conspiracy theories, like the current "birther" nonsense. But I recognize that some people swear by them, even the few who still think the Moon landing was filmed on a back lot of a movie studio.

I also had thought about trying out my hand at long-form, interactive stories in the chat room. (Mensa was a true master at painting paranoid delusions in the room, so a tip of the hat to her.) So, here's the one I trotted out in the room the other morning.

ChristopherK2: I have a theory, guys.
Xxyesmemike: ok go for it ..
ChristopherK2: As we all know, Perky and Pikle are two of the lesser Zombies.
Xxyesmemike: ok
Automotive1: bottom feeders?
ChristopherK2: They're generally ignored even by other Zombies.
Xxyesmemike: lmao
Automotive1: true
Xxyesmemike: o my
Automotive1: golly
Perkyonex2: hence...we aren't zombie !
ChristopherK2: So, Zeeke banished them to the early a.m. hours with the assignment to make it as miserable as they make the rest of the day.
Xxyesmemike: its like a cult
Automotive1: I see
ChristopherK2: And there's plenty of proof for it.
Automotive1: yep
Xxyesmemike: its like shifts
Perkyonex2: I can't believe a grown man even thinks like that
ChristopherK2: Like Pikle and Perky repeatedly reporting their results in the room in the evening.
Automotive1: true
Automotive1: what a life
Perkyonex2: no one listens to us anyway
ChristopherK2: He pats them on the head a bit, and sends them back to the mess.

Xxyesmemike: he makes them feel good
ChristopherK2: And the other Zombies sometimes reluctantly chat with them to help out.
ChristopherK2: Otherwise, guys, we're about the only ones who will willingly chat with them.
ChristopherK2: I mean, who would? They've both become about 99% ugly in the room, driving nice people away from them.
Xxyesmemike: here to be a asshole then ?
Automotive1: 99.9 tyvm
ChristopherK2: And they say the same stupid crap every day over and over AND OVER til you want to poke your eye with a sharp stick.
Xxyesmemike: does this make you feel good everyday perky ??
Automotive1: yes
Perkyonex2: K2 !!! you FINALLY said something true !!!
Perkyonex2: I say STUPID crap...
Perkyonex2: you are RIGHT
Perkyonex2: BINGO!!!!!
Automotive1: REDUNDANT
Xxyesmemike: then why post about what is said
Perkyonex2: THAT is the smartest thing I've ever seen K2 say
Automotive1: she has talked soooo much has nothing new to say UNLESS you all feed the Pig Information
Perkyonex2: STUPID Crap !!
Perkyonex2: EXACTLY!!!
Xxyesmemike: try playing bingo mite do something for you
ChristopherK2: I dimly remember when Perky used to be both nice and interesting. That was in her pre-Zombie days.
Perkyonex2: lol
ChristopherK2: Pikle never was, at least that I remember.
Perkyonex2: OMG a MAJOR break through
Automotive1: I think her mother liked her
Automotive1: not sure
Xxyesmemike: play bingo ,, when alan gets home yall can kissie face
ChristopherK2: Pikle reminds me more of Funix, who used to type random symbols into the room.
ChristopherK2: Then he joined Mensa, became the Chief Techie for the Soss Cult.
Perkyonex2: I love it. K2..said it all this morning I say STUPID CRAP
Perkyonex2: Mikey's STUPID CRAP
ChristopherK2: Suddenly he was "popular," or so he thought.
Xxyesmemike: funny perky you and your buddys only see this ..
Perkyonex2: there is a GOD !!!
ChristopherK2: After Mensa came to her senses and left, poor Funix went back to being ignored by everyone.
Xxyesmemike: perky is popular now wooohoooo
Xxyesmemike: all bow
Perkyonex2: I am?
Xxyesmemike: you try too be ..
Perkyonex2: ^5 K2
ChristopherK2: So, once Zeeke leaves--and we all know that he will--then Pikle will go back to being universally ignored.
Automotive1: she has hit bottom
Perkyonex2: LMAO
Perkyonex2: that's funny as shit
ChristopherK2: But alas for Perky, she shot her pre-Zombie popularity in the foot.
Automotive1: she did
Automotive1: AGAIN
Perkyonex2: I could give a rats ass what anyone in here thinks about me
Xxyesmemike: lmao
ChristopherK2: The other Zombies have nothing in common with her, so they'll ignore her again.
Automotive1: most of the gals that IM me say she is a fool
Perkyonex2: and that's fine
Xxyesmemike: wow chris .
ChristopherK2: And those who USED to like her will no longer have anything to do with her.
ChristopherK2: So, she'll be all alone, except for Alan.
Xxyesmemike: they see crap is crap
Perkyonex2: define have anyting to do with me?
ChristopherK2: boo hoo....
Automotive1: poor BASTARD
Perkyonex2: I'm a loner...Ive said that many times in here also
Perkyonex2: I don't need people
Perkyonex2: MIKEYS STUPID CRAP

Perkyonex2: Mikey...why don't you discuss K2s "fiance" with him
Perkyonex2: he seems to be in here an awful lot for someone who is engaged
Xxyesmemike: why
Perkyonex2: why isn't he spending time with his fiance?
Xxyesmemike: well he is not married
Perkyonex2: so
Perkyonex2: he's engaged
Xxyesmemike: married you spend each day with each other
Perkyonex2: shouldn't he be spending time with his fiance
ChristopherK2: Gee... Perky is getting all hyperventilated and stuff. I wonder why.
Xxyesmemike: you spend as much time as you need .. till you get married
Perkyonex2: we see each other more than a lot of people do
Perkyonex2: I am?

ChristopherK2: Good thing she logs the room, which will make it easy to send all of this to Zeeke and the other Zombies.
ChristopherK2: I expect to catch shit for all of this for YEARS to come.
ChristopherK2: MANY years...
Perkyonex2: you won't catch shit for years
ChristopherK2: "I still remember when K2 ranted for HOURS one morning about a conspiracy theory for the Zombies. He's soooooooooo addicted to us."

ChristopherK2: I think I just wrote my next blog article on-the-fly.
Perkyonex2: YAY! !
ChristopherK2: I wasn't paying attention all the time. Was Perky foaming at the mouth the whole time, or just intermittently?
Perkyonex2: make sure you spell MIKEYS STUPID CRAP correctly
Xxyesmemike: another 40 some posts .. on how 10 years act
Xxyesmemike: olds
ChristopherK2: I mean, I saw her repeat some stupid Zombie crap about my fiancee. Was there anything else she said of note?
Automotive1: nope
ChristopherK2: Good... it's sometimes hard to tell at 3,000 wpm.
Xxyesmemike: just makes the crew say ... good job perky ..
Xxyesmemike: she gets a pat on the back today
ChristopherK2: I'm sure she will, guys. Zeeke is usually generous with his praise when she claims a "great victory" over us.
Xxyesmemike: do you get a prize for this

Xxyesmemike: hold your head high .. go to work tell everyone .. i kicked there ass in a chat room
Xxyesmemike: she is a chat room star ..hmm wonder if we could make a song about this
ChristopherK2: The Zombies are more like a collection of needy, obsessive folks desperately clinging to each other.
Xxyesmemike: good point chris

[Extraneous and plain stupid chat deleted, along with any that didn't fit my purposes.]

"A New Life Form?"

I originally wrote this 4/14/98 as my first submission to the old Creative Weirdo Convention message board. It was one of several creative writing forums AOL had back in the day.

I've always liked the article; it still makes me laugh. And I think it was one of my best creative writing efforts. It was actually fact-based, written after I spent way too long one day cleaning the gunk out of my microwave. The forum wanted "weird," so I gave them weird. They liked it.

"A New Life Form?"

Today I did my semiannual cleaning of the microwave.

I've been on a Cheerios-and-pizza (Domino's--med. hand tossed with ham, pineapple and mushroom) only diet for a couple of months, and thus have nuked pizza every other day. As bits of mushroom and pineapple have fallen off, I've swatted them into the corners.

They had kinda formed neat little piles of hardening and decaying food groups there, but apparently something more has been going on. As I hand-swept the piles out, I noticed that one pile was still rather warm. I dimly recall spilling some cocoa in that area. I carefully culled the various pieces of now-barely-identifiable matter, and noticed that one was a combination grayish brown/yellow.

It appears to be fused pieces of pineapple and mushroom, almost artistically interlaced. It remains warm to the touch, and has a barely perceptible vibration to it. (A low-frequency mating call, perhaps?) It has no noticeable odor (but this is allergy season and my nose is pretty much blocked). It hasn't hardened nearly as much as the others and, in fact, has roughly the same resiliency as a Gummy Bear.

I called the local Domino's to discuss it. (Is this a common occurrence? Does it have any special HazMat disposal requirements? etc.) I was quickly kicked up to the General Counsel's Office of Domino's International. One of their Harvard Boys (*My* law diploma has a MUCH longer name on it, so take THAT, Harvard Boy!) offered me a small fortune to hush this up.

No WAY!!! I see the Big Bucks being handed out on Oprah, et al, and this is my chance at the lotto.

I guess my remaining questions are: can this THING survive outside of the microwave? And if so, can I train it to do cutesy tricks?

Zombies can't count

This was sent to us.

"Why Don't They Just Bash the Truth?"

(Written 4/5/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog) As I said earlier, I've been very open here about myself, and I've met hundreds of AOLers. So, I'm not sure why my obsessors need to make up stuff about me. Heck, the truth is awful enough. If I were of a mind to bash myself, I'd attack some of the following: My Body Bleeh... it's OLD, it's frail, and it has never been much to look at. When I look in the mirror, what I see is mostly an enormous nose, floppy ears, no chin, and a tiny mouth. True, I do have the killer baby blue eyes, but still... The rest of my body is one mass of confusion and contradiction. I inherited my dad's lower body (he was 6'3", about 210), but my mom's upper one (5'5", 120). So I basically look like a frickin' horse. Don't believe me? Here's a pic of me from my youth. I'm 2nd from the left--the one who's ALL LEGS and NO CHEST. My body has been generally very functional, but betrays me in many small ways. I'm not sure how bashable these are (I'll yield to the expertise of my obsessors on that). But my vision, for example, sucks. I'm pathetically colorblind, and I generally inherited my mom's bad eyes. When she'd go to the eye doc, he'd ask her to read the letter on the chart. She'd respond, "What chart"? He'd say, "On the wall over there." She'd say, "What wall???" I also have flat feet, knobby knees, scars all over the place, Crohn's disease, the perpetual runs, allergies to almost everything, love handles, and (recently) a small beer gut (from too many boxes of Good & Plenty). My Brain Yes, I have a fine brain as to logical thinking. But it otherwise is often a hassle. I can barely draw a stick figure. My memory's rapidly becoming a sieve. I have very little understanding of many subjects, such as history. I'm also somewhat obsessive-compulsive, witness my spices being in alphabetical order. I often have trouble getting off of a tangent. I'm also a bit ADHD. Miscellaneous I'm a very calm guy, which most women find a mixed bag. I let my irritation with people show more often than I should. I can be haughty at times, and occasionally sanctimonious. So, given all that to bash, just making up stuff about me seems to reflect the accuser's agenda more than anything else.

"Profound Bigotry from Zeeke and the Zombies"

(Written 4/1/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

From recent posts:
<< The fag needs to get out of the closet >>
<< hey flower growing gay dude >>
<< he likes dick. He should hook up with Guy. >>

It's getting harder and harder to tell the Zombies apart these days. More and more they focus their ugliness on various forms of bigotry (racism, anti-Semitism, misogyny, socio-economic class, handicap, etc.)

It started, of course, with Zeeke's virulent words, such as "cocksuckingfagjewbitch." Over time he managed to attract a rag tag group of other ugly bigots including some notable mainly for N-Word Bombs (Pikle and Vomit), and others who mostly just me-too including Bak, Jack, and SamBow. At one time, I thought it was just the males, but I changed my mind on that when I saw Beth call Takoma an "injun" and "half-breed" and labeled me as Jewish. (I thought Beth was better than that.... oh well.)

It's easy to imagine how this bonding develops over time. A Zombiewannabe IMs Zeeke: "I hate those ______, too! Can I join your cult?"

I'm beginning to think that ugly bigotry is about *all* they share, or that it's at least a critical feature. They seem to have little else in common. And such ugliness is about all they say together in the room, except for occasional forays when the room is almost dead into "car chat" between the guys or "chick chat" between the gals.

And it's always fun watching their contortions when one spews something like "Fatgurlz" or "blob" and then rapidly backtracks to say he didn't mean so-and-so Zombie. Or when they make some blanket anti-Semitic remark, realize too late that Res Lend is there, and then have to stumble thru saying that he's a "Good jew."

I suspect that their ugly bigotry is also a core reason why they remain a small clique with declining influence. Normal, mature adults understand that bigotry is, as George Will once said, "a stench in the nostrils of reasonable people." And the common reaction to it is to avoid further contact with such people. I mean, who really wants to defend being a BFF with someone who spews such ignorance and hatred?

"I Just Can't Do It Anymore"

(Written 3/28/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

I just can't do it anymore.
It's too hard.
I'm sorry...
I just can't do it anymore.

I never thought I'd say that.
It hurts too much.
I've tried everything...
I just can't do it anymore.

I thought it would last forever.
I think it's almost over.
I was wrong...
I just can't do it anymore.

You will have to take charge.
I'm in too much pain.
I can only help...
I just can't do it anymore.

I don't think that will work.
I'm nearly exhausted.
We can try it...
But I just can't do it anymore.

"The Top 10 Explanations For NOT Reading the Blog"

(Written 3/23/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

10. "I absorb it off the monitor thru my fingertips."

9. "If I told you, I'd have to beat you up."

8. "I only read the *copies* in the updates Cindy emails me 5 times a day."

7. "The blog comes to me thru divine revelations."

6. "We Zombies really don't read it. We just copy/paste whatever Zeeke sends us."

5. "Beth maintains a copy of the blog on a mirror site. I only read THAT."

4. "I have the IQ of a spud. I don't know whether I read the blog or not."

3. "I just type random ugly and stupid comments about Christopher into the blog. I don't have to read it to do that."

2. "The Swami sends me the blog via thought casting."

And the Number 1 Explanation For NOT Reading the Blog is...

1. "One of my alters reads it to me. I just listen."

It's circus time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jD4uOqkkKk

"Stalker Alert for Cindy!!!"

(Written 3/19/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

In the midst of her rant about me last night, Cindy entered this:

Cindy32863: Susan Goehlernichols

My thought then was WTF is that??? I just finished Googling it, and it turns out to be some poor 33-year-old gal in Jacksonville, FL whose only connection to me is apparently to have the misfortune to show up on one or more of those "detective wannabe" sites when you do a search on ME and my family. Lordy...

Sooooooooo, Cindy, did you buy Veromi's "comprehensive stalker" $39.95 package, or just the cheapo 24-hour membership? Did you also get the $20 "nationwide criminal records" upgrade? Care to detail exactly how much you're spending on STALKING me?

If you'd like, I can save you some time and money. I can send you the workup I did a few years ago on my family history. Oh, wait... investigating my entire family tree for all of the known history of the world might cost you too much time and $$$. Hmmm...

How about some snapshots of my family members and everyone I've ever known in my entire life? That 2 GB of data should keep you busy, busy, busy for several months!

Have you yet found the site that shows my records about being a member of the bar, my law school, etc.? It only took me three minutes to find it, but it's a "legal insiders" site. So if you get into your third hour trying to find it, just me know and I'll save you some time there.

How about my history with my fraternity as a chapter, local, regional, and national officer? If you find anything there, please let me know. I couldn't find anything.

But please keep digging up that poop on me. I love STALKERS!

And I think we all know you'll come up with a "perfectly innocent" reason for entering that name into the room. Let me save you the trouble. Just go with this:

Cindy32863: I don't know what Christopher is talking about. That name was supposed to be for an IM and I "accidentally" put it into the room. I was letting a friend know the name of my second cousin's older sister's college roommate's boyfriend's cleaning lady.

"Model Citizens Beth and Cindy"

(Written 3/16/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

HamOnWryX2: its just sad so much effort is expended on that
HamOnWryX2: I cant really imagine it being that important
Cindy32863: he really needs to get a hobby..go volunteer..something
HamOnWryX2: get out the house....do something
HamOnWryX2: he just needs to get out more...breathe fresh air...expand his little world
HamOnWryX2: get out of the yard

I've thought about this long and hard, and decided that I want to be just like Beth and Cindy! They are, after all, model citizens and darn near perfect!

So, effective immediately, I will start doing as many of the following as possible. This is all new territory for me, so any helpful suggestions by anyone will be greatly appreciated!

1. I will find a job! I'm not sure, however, just how many "work at home" jobs there are in Hagerspatch that allow you to take frequent, long breaks to yammer on AOL.

2. Their "get out of the yard" and "get a hobby" ideas seem to somehow conflict with my prodigious gardening efforts, so I'll quit all of that. Photography apparently doesn't count, either, so I'll drop that, too! Anyone needs lots of world-class photography or gardening equipment?

3. Ballroom dancing doesn't satisfy Beth's strict "breathe fresh air" mantra, so it's gone. Giving up gardening and landscape/flower photography shot in the ass my main fresh air/sunshine activities, so I'll need a replacement. Hmmm... just WTF do THEY do in that regard???

4. I'm a little unclear about the meaning of Beth/Cindy's vague "get out of the house" and "do something" rules. So I'll just follow their leads for now. First up will be going to an AOL Dive on Saturday nights to get "piss drunk." Sounds like fun!

5. My writing efforts obviously upset them, so I'll have to drop all forms of that hobby. So much for all those nice, creative articles, poems, etc., that everyone else loves! It seems that I have to replace those with far more hours each week mindlessly bashing people in the chat room. Uggghh... I'll have to figure out ways to say the same ugly things about people over and over and over for years on end. How do they DO that???

6. Worst of all--but obviously worth the cost--I'll have to dump all of my nice, mature adult friends and acquaintances and replace them with Yum Yums like Zeeke and the Zombies. But hey, then I can learn how to "tear up pussy" and we all know what a critical social skill THAT is!

7. Continuing my education is obviously worthless with Beth and Cindy, so I'll have to tank my plans for Diploma #7. Darn, I was sooooooooo hoping for 10 of them before I die. Maybe Cindy and Beth would accept me formally studying "How To Be a Chat Room Bully" or "Mindfucking." They seem to be VERY impressed by those. Oh... are there diplomas for those???

8. I'll also need to develop some new, vital chat room skills, like cursing, lying, rumor mongering, and just making up shit about people. I've heard that they're covered in depth in Zombie School, so I should be fine.

I know it'll be very hard work, but I aim to be a total Yum Yum a year from now! Wish me luck!

"Beth's... ummm... Recovered Memories"

(Written 3/13/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

I was trying to be nice, there.

For reason(s) unknown, Beth has recently been spewing personal attacks my way in the room. Most have been the usual references to the "musty golden oldie days" and other minor crap. When I didn't respond to those, she got desperate last night.

She dredged up some supposed memory about a comment I allegedly made on the blog more than a year ago about my computer knowledge. You can often measure desperation by remoteness in time, vagueness, lack of sense, and inability to provide proof.

But Beth's comments were also instructive for how Zeeke and the Zombies play their "mind fuck" games, and illustrate one primary reason I normally don't bother with responding to their stupidity. If you respond to them pointing out that they're wrong, they simply change their story and go on bashing! It's kinda like punching a large bag of dooty: the dooty just reforms itself, and still smells bad.

Here are the successive generations of Beth's allegation as I countered each one:

HamOnWryX2: yeah k2 who claims he knows nothing about computers when asked about stuff on the blog now is a techie
HamOnWryX2: i will concede that knowing how to wipe a drive isnt all that techie, hows that
HamOnWryX2: i'm sure its on the blog somewhere
HamOnWryX2: that you wouldn't know how to do anything with a blog, more or less
HamOnWryX2: i didn't say you were an expert nor did I say in comparison with ugly or anyone else
HamOnWryX2: okay that's nnot what we recall you saying, but whatev

So, Beth went from "he claims he knows nothing about computers" to "wouldn't know how to do anything with a blog" to "not an expert" to a huffy "not what we recall" in about five blazing minutes. And with nary a sign of intellectual whiplash!

Also, she was "remembering" a supposed comment of mine that was oh-so-conveniently deleted long ago when the old blog died. ("The old blog's been deleted? Oh good, he can't PROVE us wrong!")

Unfortunately for Beth and the others in her little clique, they face the harsh reality that I simply don't lie. So suggesting that I lie is a stupid tactic. And suggesting that I posted that I "know nothing about computers" makes just about zero sense. I've dealt with computers since 1965 forgawdsake, and know quite a bit about them. My knowledge of IT stuff is, of course, dwarfed by Ugly's.

They must also deal with their own histories. Beth, for example, suddenly "remembered" a few months ago that I am... ta da... "Jewish." When confronted with the truth, she immediately backed down presumably because she couldn't quickly think of a Plan B.

You may have noticed Beth's reference above to "not what *WE* recall" [emphasis added]. That relates to another tactic "they" use... the Gang Attack. They apparently believe that if two or more people say the same idiotic thing, it's somehow more believable. In this case, Cindy jumped in claiming that (with magical "total recall") she saw exactly the same comments by me. (She never clarified *which* version of the story Beth was "absolutely correct" about.)

In a side note, if you rely on an admitted liar and hater of your opponent for support of your memory, you're in deep poop.

AOL Pharmacy

This was sent to me, and it settled a suspicion I've always had about Two Ton. I've heard a lot of rumors her apartment looks like a mini pharmacy with all the 'script bottles. Heard tales of her being in bed for days at a time, her yellow skin, and slurring on the phone. Could never understand her behavior until now, all the lies, stalking, threats of violence, delusions, etc.

Venous clots are formed due to one of two main reasons: 1) immobility, and 2) genetic errors in the clotting mechanism.

Immobility: Most commonly, when the body stops moving, the risk of blood clots increases, since muscle movement is required to pump blood towards the heart. Stagnant blood in a vein is prone to clot.

The American way is to live a life of luxury. Sit on your arse all day long, eating crap foods and not exercising at all and you'll get blood clots and all sorts of issues. Then pop a pill to make it all better, and blame anyone but yourself for your weight and health.

"Smackdown: Bonnie vs. Zeeke"

(Written 3/8/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

Excitement has been peaking as the smackdown tonight between Zeeke and Bonnie has drawn near. Huge bets have been placed. The trash-talking is at fever pitch. The combatants have finished their training. The Ring Girls are prepped.

As fight time nears, let's take a few minutes to look back on the recent developments...

Negotiations

Initially it was thought that no one could pull this match off because of the obvious physical differences. (Because this article is fictional, I conveniently assumed that Bonnie's knees are fine.) Zeeke's 150-lb. weight advantage was thought to be way too much to overcome. But then someone (ahem...) came up with the idea of creative handicaps and compensations.

So, after much haggling, there are two offsets. First, Zeeke will be required to wear 5" Stripper Heels. And second, Bonnie can wield a steel shaft 5-iron. That brought the odds down to dead even.

And because they both have the lung capacity of the average 80-year-old, the bout was reduced to three 90-second rounds with two minutes between rounds. Oxygen will be readily available.

The Weigh-In

Although the weigh-in was the usual mishmash of posturing and trash talk, there were a couple of notable stats. Much to Zeeke's chagrin, the new stat of Body Mass Index (BMI) was added. Let's just say that too many mashed taters with butter gets you to "morbidly obese" in a flash.

Also, Bonnie was surprisingly trim, indicating that she had done some serious training.

The Forum

The parking lot at Remingtons night club was chosen even though it's Zeeke's "home." Bonnie agreed figuring it was more likely to lead to Zeeke being "piss drunk" for the fight.

The crowd began to form around the make-shift ring 30 minutes before the 9 p.m. start. Zeeke's side (all 7 of them) was clustered around his corner as were Bonnie's to hers. The other 150 spectators (50 AOLers who didn't give a crap who wins but were there for the FREE BEER, and 100 random Remingtons drunks) were scattered nearby.

Shortly before 9, Zeeke came wobbling out of the bar area, looking rather unsteady on the pink Stripper Heels but resplendent in jeans, sneaks, and a green muscle shirt. Bonnie wore no-nonsense shorts, tank top, and steel-toe worker boots.

The crowd was rather unruly, cursed loudly, and had repeatedly toasted random events for the prior 30 minutes.

Final Comments

Zeeke: "I'm gonna kick the @#$$% out of the God@#$^ Bi@#$&."

Bonnie: "I'm gonna shove this 5-Iron up his ass."

In the Ring

The fighters snarled a bit at each other, but they both forgot about the "stare down." So, the crowd booed because the stare down is often the best part of such fights.

The referee read the list of the rules: "There are no rules." The fighters returned to their corners.

Ring Girl #1 (Beth) sauntered around the ring in her spanking new cheerleader outfit. (Sorry about the spanking imagery. Oh wait... no, I'm not sorry. She could use a good one.)

Round #1

At the bell, Zeeke's strategy quickly became clear. He was planning on bull charging Bonnie and flattening her like a pancake.

But alas, Zeeke hadn't practiced at all in his Stripper Heels. (And possibly, they're not built for his kind of bulk.) So, with his second step, a heel gave way, throwing Zeeke off balance into a headfirst dive, then a roll ending up with him spread-eagled at Bonnie's feet. Well, la te da, she thought as she slammed a steel toe into his nads.

Zeeke spent the rest of the first round curled into a fetal ball crying for his momma. The Guys in the audience all had their legs tightly crossed with their hands covering their laps.

Bonnie circled Zeeke warily figuring he was probably just playing his "mind fuck" game. Trust me, he wasn't.

Round 1 Result: Bonnie the clear winner.

Round #2

Ring Girl #2 RedSkyBay was quite the sight in a lovely and skimpy minidress, but many were disappointed by her *still* keeping her face covered.

Zeeke came out of his corner slowly *this* time, wearing a heavy cod piece over his jeans but still jerking apprehensively every time Bonnie feinted in that direction.

They circled each other most of the round, with Bonnie twirling the 5-iron menacingly while derisively taunting Zeeke with, "Whatsamatter, Da Nuts hurting??? HAHAHAHA!" Zeeke, while still in obvious pain, was mostly trying to figure out to semi-walk on one Stripper Heel.

The crowd started booing at the inactivity about a minute into the round. Zeeke responded by knocking Bonnie down with a surprisingly well executed slide up side kick. But he was unable to take advantage before the bell rang to end the round.

Round 2 Result: Zeeke the clear winner.

Round #3

Eyore was a splendid vision as Ring Girl #3 in a stunning mix & match bikini off the pages of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

The crowd was yelling a mix, too, of boos, catcalls, "More Beer!" and various Yo' Momma jokes.

Both fighters were very intense as the final round started, and clearly wanted not only to win the fight but to crush the other. Zeeke was moving better, but still clearly bothered by what appeared to be a sprained ankle. Bonnie was huffing and puffing a bit from waving the 5-iron around.

Zeeke started the action by ducking under the 5-iron and putting a furious block into Bonnie's left side knocking her into the ropes and onto the canvas. Zeeke celebrated by climbing the ropes and regaling his 7 fans with obligatory chest thumping. That caused a fair amount of wheezing, and he also failed to notice that Bonnie was faking it.

Bonnie jumped up and crushed the side of Zeeke's knee with a solid blow of the head of the 5-iron. He fell off of the ropes howling in pain. As Zeeke tried to stand up, Bonnie raked his face with her tough, sharpened fingernails. Being bloodied and bowed seemed to only make Zeeke madder.

Zeeke blindly reached out and happened to grab one of Bonnie's ankles. He yanked on it, flipping her backwards onto the canvas. Zeeke jumped on top of her and sat on her chest, pinning her arms with his knees. Thinking he could now pound Bonnie senseless, he reached way back to launch a devastating blow and then...

DING DING DING

Soooooo,who won???

We just wanted to extend a congratulations

Isn't she sexy?

"Lifelong Friendships"

(Written 3/1/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

As I pondered joining my fraternity 44 years ago, the phrase "Lifelong Friendships" barely even entered my thoughts. The brothers had heavily promoted it to us, but I was--like most 19-year-old guys living far from home--mulling over the much more important factors of beer, women, sports, parties, more women, etc.

But this past Saturday night, I was at my fraternity's annual dinner in Newark, DE after an absence of a few years. And after nearly a lifetime in it, the phrase now has great meaning to me.

I was always very involved in my fraternity beyond the parties and such. I met my first true love thru it... Cheryl. It gave me a good background for the job world. And I met so many good men. One of them is in the picture below on the right, with me, taken Saturday night.

Erv was a year younger, and from "lower, slower" Delaware. Despite our many differences, we became good friends. When I became President of the chapter, he was my treasurer and we both worked tirelessly at it. (He still calls me "my president," which always chokes me up a bit.) We worked closely together over the years on the fraternity including: attending a national convention in Vail, CO and regional ones (I was the District President); reforming the chapter when it had some serious problems; and serving on the house corporation to provide them with good housing and on the alumni association to raise funds.

We otherwise traveled entirely different paths in life. I was gallivanting all over the place looking for Idontknowwhat, while Erv stayed home in Delaware. He married his fraternity sweetheart, raised two wonderful kids, and established a good career in accounting. Erv has always been a good and decent man, and worked hard at life. That's the best thing I can say about another man.

Over the last couple of decades, he's been more closely-connected to the fraternity. But until a few years ago we've always gotten together at least a couple of times a year for fishing trips, golf, dinners, or just visits here and there.

And like Saturday night, we always catch up on family, the fraternity, each other, and much else. And we fondly recall the many memories we share...

For reasons I've never understood, I've always needed people in my life who can tell me I'm a good man despite whatever others say and whatever happens in my life. Within AOL World, for example, it's often been great women like Lady Exec and Ladyhawg (and even at one time, Beth). And until they died, it was Mom and my real brother.

But since I was 20, it's also always been Erv and a couple of the other fraternity brothers I've been privileged to know as "brothers in the bonds" who have served that role. I guess that's what "lifelong friendships" really mean and why my fraternity has always been so important to me...