"On Creative Writing"

(Written 4/24/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

<< So much for K2s creative writing, this is nothing more than cut n paste. >> Zeeke

Let's skip by the logic of copy/pasting myself. Logic isn't your strength.

So let's look at the creative side. Your idea of creativity on a blog is to steal a semi-amusing pic via Google, label it as someone you hate, and add a bunch of your usual puerile insults. In the chat room, you do the same thing without the pics. You've been using the same dozen or so insults for many years, along with a couple of catch phrases.

[Minor tip: Saying "Did she just type that?" was amusing the first couple of times a few years ago, and could still be if you used it once a week or so. But saying it 10 times a day kills its effectiveness.]

And that's the overall problem with your "humor." You have zero creativity so you can't think of anything NEW to say. You're probably saying the same insults you said in eighth grade. Or at least it seems that your sense of humor stalled at that point.

But there IS hope. I suggest a good creative writing course. In the one I had in high school (12th grade... ya'know... the one YOU skipped), we had many kinds of writing exercises. We wrote a myth forgawdsake, along with short poems in the style of various famous poets, short stories, editorials, and in many other formats.

The main idea behind creative writing is NOT to compile a long list of phrases to use (as you do). It's to foster a mind set of ORIGINAL thinking about situations... to mentally start with a blank sheet of paper each time you write. The old Red Smith quote is something like, "Good writing is easy. Just cut open a vein and bleed all over the page."

You don't "bleed" at all. Never. You just mindlessly repeat yourself. Like with Bonnie. You've been saying EXACTLY the same 10 or so ugly things about her for nearly a decade. Aren't you just TOTALLY bored with that? Seriously...

And then there's the cussing. Normal adults get over that by their mid-20s. We realize it's ineffective and really just intellectual laziness. The only buds of yours that remain impressed by it are Pikle and Vomit. And who would want them as yardsticks? The rest of your cult likes you *despite* your cussing, not because of it.

I sense that you want to go beyond cussing. I saw it when you *tried* to come up with a new "word" for me. Alas, you wound up with cocksuckingjewfagbitch. Compressing four slurs into one is NOT creative; it's just soporific. You need to "think outside of the box."

Try starting with a good thesaurus. As Zimagal once wrote, "Hmmmm....maybe 'needy' isn't the right description for you. How about 'an obtuse, insipid, jejune, banal, puerile, tedious, vapid, trite, impertinent snip with delusions of grandeur?' I do know the meaning of all the above words, and yes, it does mean I am smarter than you are--deal with it." Priceless!

You've often bragged about how your blog articles *only* take three minutes to write. It shows. And your lack of readership is the evidence. Take your time. THINK about what you want to say. Reread it and rewrite it until it's right. Yes, it IS work. But bleed a little and you'll be MUCH happier with the results.

As to the chat room, let me just note that QUANTITY is NOT the answer. You babble. Incessantly. Over and over and OVER. Haven't you ever noticed that--except for Bonnie and Guy and a couple of the lesser lights in Zombie World--nearly everyone else just disappears when y'all start and heads off to go read CNN or something while y'all rant on? Hello! That's because we've all gotten bored stupid with you!

Heck, I'm *still* trying out new forms of writing, and otherwise improving my skills, at age 64. And here you are at just 49 and you've given up??? Surely, you won't admit that "ol faggy" is thrashing you at this stuff? Right? Go on... give it a shot! Tick tock!

I'm just trying to help out a brother here. Besides, it's in my best interests, too. I hate falling asleep in the middle of one of your rants and banging my head on my desk.