Let it roll baby roll

Jeezy Peezy, how many rolls do these butterballs have? Why do women let themself turn into such emotional and unhealthy train-wrecks?

Monika's New Year's Rez is I'm going to steal this blog from Rocco in 2012. He's already picking out my new Beamer since he can't stay off his yes *13* blogs. Since I'm physical fit and take very damn good good care of myself, I'm going to help out the less fortunate. There are people out there causing serious eyesores to others!

Let's promote health in 2012. Maybe some of these Zombie women would get fucking lives if they dropped some weight and learned how to dress, talk, look, talk to men, and act correct in public. I'm of course majorally OVER-qualified for this position, here's a picture Rocco took a little while ago while we were out shopping for a Sapphire ring to go with my outfit tonight. No fat on me baby (except my ass of course).


So what topic should we start off with in 2012 ladies?

Happy New Year's from the Uglies.

Swami forgot a couple and I definitely wanted to make sure we had them checked with NY Rezesss.

Nanci how about humiliating yourself less in public in 2012 hon?

Patti you think you could separate yourself from at least one of your twelve rolls this year?

The rest of you Zombies PLEASE STAY on AOL and leave our roads safe from piss-ass drunks, whoops I was talking about Zombies so let me rephrase, "pissed pants and shit drawers drunks".

Happy New Year's to Igor and the Swami and our HUGE and awesome fan club out there from Monika the hottie and my blog obsessed hub (who vowels to only blog once a week in 2012 and by next week he'll be buying me a new Beamer when he loses this bet). Some girls have all the luck, others have none, and if you need living proof stare at the pictures!

"New Year's Resolutions for Zeeke and the Zombies"

(Written 12/29/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers blog)

A mysterious "someone" sent these to me, I swear! Not MY words at all! They were *supposedly* drafted at a recent "get piss drunk" meeting of Zeeke and the Zombies.

Zeeke
1. Reduce beer intake to 10 Buds a day.
2. Find a hovel to live in before Sis kicks me out of Mom's house.
3. Use some of those Zeeke Dollars to buy dental insurance.
4. Write a mushy, romantic poem to compete with The Swami.
5. Raise the average time to write a blog article to *4* minutes.
6. Tear up 33% more pussy.

Beth
1. Perfect my Royal Wave.
2. Avoid dumpsters.
3. Cook *1* meal a month.
4. Learn how to type "cocksuckingjewfagbitch" without gagging.
5. Rearrange the dust bunnies in the living room once a week.

Vomit
1. Suck Zeeke's ass 50% less.
2. Teach Zeeke's nephew how to sleep thru AA meetings with his eyes open.
3. Do a better job of hiding my ugly racism.
4. Take The Swami's suggestion about blowing up my "office" and starting over.
5. Finish reading "Blogs for Dummies" *and* "Little Jokes for Little Folks."

Eminence
1. Find a stalk-worthy replacement for Eyore.

PRETTTYONE
1. Test that whole Swami Love thing over and over and over...

Brunette/SMPinkrose/etc.
1. Continue to stay OUT of Zeeke's room of total losers!

Perky/Alan
1. Give up the ruse and get on with our lives!

Baktoogood
1. Substantially reduce that 15 Twinkies a day habit.

Trikin
1. Look for a different dating web site that actually guarantees privacy.
2. Try out dreadlocks!

When the Wilmington lies come marching in

How come neither of our bed-pan carriers are really in the medical field like they profess? https://dpronline.delaware.gov/mylicense%20weblookup/Search.

How nothing comes up under any of their names? Nor is there any licenses under Bradshaw, who the BBW claims to be married to but really isn't.

Truth is bloated Nancy just graduated about seven months ago from a medical assistant program. See her talking about it here. (Lots of good shots of the BBW in her medical scrubs on that page, btw, but we won't post them here)...

And what has happened to dear Lynnzy? Someone posted earlier she was in a battered woman's shelter. Her face does look quite broke up here.

Truth coming soon

Stayed tuned it's juicy.

Everywhere there's a herp

Old McHerp had a farm, ouchie ouchie ow
And on this farm he had a blister
Ouchie Ouchie Ow
With a Herp outbreak here, a herp outbreak there
Everywhere Rose has been there's a herp outbreak
Old McRose has a blister, ouchie, ouchie ow

So Rose finally came out she has herpes?

Come on tell me - WHO DO YOU LOVE?

Come on take a little walk with me child, tell me who do you love?
Who do you love?
Who do you love?

Put-the-bottle-down-Ronnie's last three blogs
Secret Ronnie dollars = 0 comments
His only begotten son = 4 comments
Top AOL news = 0 comments

Move-out-of-Momma's-house-Billy's last three blogs
10 days till Christmas = 0 comments
Another milestone = 0 comments
Stark control = 0 comments

Ugly's-Rocking-Blog last three

When will Billy Move out = 51 comments
Rocco = 30 comments
End of the Ugliness = 303 comments

Where will Billy move now?

Now that Mom's gone, Billy will have to finally "Move Out" at nearly 50. Where will he go? Check your choice and feel free to add more to this list. Here's my guesses.

A. He'll move back to the dumpy trailer in WV.
B. He'll live in his dumpy pickup truck.
C. He'll show up on Bonnie's doorstep.

Rocco

is having forum withdrawls.

Monika

End of the Ugliness

The Ugly blog is folding. We will leave this blog open for the weekend and that's it Monika put her foot down this blog has to go.

To end all curiousity: We're going to reveal who we really are. Think few here would remember us anyways. I was Diego back in the day if you knew me, and my wife was LunaTuna if you remember her. Think Cindy remembers my wife and my wife didn't like her anyways.

Guilt by Association

Like the Swami, I've also wondered what has made loving mothers, by many accounts, associate with a man who has a record for domestic violence, a judiciary court mar for giving their own child a gun and who harassed the parents of a dead child.

Is it lack of attention, the inability to make friends, low self-esteem, or perhaps sociopathic behavior themself? I can understand Cindy and Rose associating with him, they both had parental issues themself and aren't known for decent character. But what has made Lois, a loving mother by many person's account, Beth, Barbara, etc associate with such trash? I certainly do not see them bringing home such a person and introducing them to their children. I'd love to hear your answer, and unlike my counterpart, Swami, I do not mind anonymous posts. Do they just assume since this is online they aren't guilty by association with such a person?

Swami's post reminded me I received a letter awhile back that I've been meaning to post regarding that matter. Below is a letter that I've been told Zeeke sent to the parent of a deceased child shortly after this death. I fully believe he did this since at the same time this letter arrived we were receiving similar blog posts with the exact same verbage and suggestions that my name is Paul.

This does go with the course of his behavior. He right now has a post up mocking the death of Natalie Wood, and we've seen endless threats of violence (we've received some here at Ugly)

Top 10 Ideas for Spending the "Empire of Zeeke Dollars"

(Written 11/22/11 by PrancerTheSwami for the Uglier MDers Blog.  A tip of the hat to Xxyesmemike, who contributed to this article.)

The Swami can't be sure how many "Zeeke Dollars" Zeeke has amassed from his lucrative career as a junk dealer, or even WTF a Zeeke Dollar is.  So, without any cost restraints, here are The Swami's best suggestions for his most adoring fan.

10. Buy 10 *more* muscle T-shirts in XXXL for those big social occasions.

 9. Pay an attorney to get that disgusting entry for "Firearms-Access by Minor" expunged from Zeeke's extensive judiciary site record. 

 8. Two words: Personal Trainer.

 7. Two more words: Hair Stylist. (Dump the hedge clippers!)

 6. Upgrade from Olde Frothingslosh to Samuel Adams. (Just because Zeeke is getting "piss drunk" is NOT a good enough reason for actually drinking piss.)

 5. Pay a couple of the Lesser Zombies to hold and monitor all of those extra chat rooms 24/7.

 4. Get a dental implant for that gaping hole so Zeeke won't seem quite so "stoopit" when he criticizes OTHER people about their teeth. 

 3. Put a good criminal attorney on retainer, to handle the family's MANY problems.

 2. Hire a publicist to promote his new book, "How to be a Successful AOL Bully."

And the Number 1 Suggestion for Spending the "Empire of Zeeke Dollars" is...

 1. Buy a sleazy bar for those many nights Zeeke and the Zombies get "piss drunk" together!

Famous pictures

Ugly feels like walking down Memory Lane today.

One thing fer sure, there ain't no such thing as an attractive Zombie!

This one actually calls herself Sexy

Tipping the 300 lb scale

Mustache anyone?

This could be my grandmother

 

This one calls herself HOT.

 Team Camel Toe maybe?

 Shouldn't he be on Team Toofless? Or maybe Team Wifebeater?

 The Class A Drunk.

This is what happens when you do drugs


Crazy lady

 So hot and so two-faced/

"Zeeke Confesses that He's a Huge Fan of this Blog"



 

(Written 11/16/11 by PrancerTheSwami for the Uglier MDers Blog)

 

<< I'm well on my way to building an EMPIRE of Zeeke dollars .. I'm not sure how Faggy will spin this on Ugly's blog but I might suggest posting that I'm nearly destitute or that I need the money for rehab. >> Zeeke, in his latest blog rant about The Swami

 

The Swami notes that those who aren't all that bright regularly open their mouth primarily to change their feet.  Here, Zeeke did it THREE times in the space of just TWO sentences.  The Swami guesses that's probably a Personal Best for Zeeke, but the Swami often underestimates those afflicted with "stoopity."

 

The major screw up there was, of course, admitting that he'll be closely monitoring this blog for The Swami's response.  The Swami is naturally grateful for his many adoring fans, and hopes that his MANY responses will please Zeeke.

 

And he invented "Zeeke Dollars"?  Lordy, I guess he didn't realize that The Swami would rank that right up there with Zeeke's prior admissions of getting "piss drunk" and "tearing up pussy" every weekend.  The Swami can envision tossing Zeeke Dollars back at Zeeke MANY times.

 

Almost as priceless is Zeeke's suggestion that The Swami "post... that I'm nearly destitute or that I need the money for rehab."  The Swami normally doesn't accept ideas for articles from semi-literate bigots.  But then there's that whole "infinite number of monkeys using an infinite number of typewriters" concept.  Here, Zeeke has essentially typed Shakespeare for The Swami!  The Swami can see MANY articles detailing exactly what Zeeke can do with various sums of money.  The Swami is such a nice guy for his buds! 

 

The Swami is sure, however, that he will be much more creative than mundane suggestions like using those precious Zeeke Dollars for "rehab."  Stay tuned!

A Splendid Wedding Followed by a Zombie Orgy

(Written 11/4/11 by PrancerTheSwami for the Uglier MDers Blog)

 

The Swami is pleased to note the continuing obsession here with his upcoming marriage to the Lovely Pamela, as with:

 

<< Is there a date for the wedding of the century?  Has the "lovely" Pamela... found a wedding dress?  Where will the happy "couple" be honeymooning? >>

 

Although a firm date has not yet been set, The Swami is pleased to make the following announcements, after weeks of delicate negotiations with all parties.

 

1. Zeeke and Beth will be the Best Man and Maid of Honor, although The Swami isn't sure which will be which.  He only knows they will surely make a cute couple.

 

2. The remaining Zombies will serve as Bridesmaids and Groomsmen, up to a maximum of three each with Zeeke (of course) deciding which ones will serve.  Zeeke will also decide on which side of the aisle each will serve.  Zeeke said that "Vomit looks fab in a Dusty Mauve mini-gown."  So, Pamela immediately changed the color scheme.  HA!

 

3. The Swami voted for Pamela to wear a low-cut white mini-gown with white thigh-highs, and white stripper heels.  The Swami's vote, of course, does NOT count, so the Lovely Pamela will wear something... well... lovely.

 

4. The wedding will be held in Bethlehem, PA.  That's not for any religious reason, but simply because The Swami's fraternity at Lehigh University specializes in getting "piss drunk."  It also has a "mattress room" in the basement of its house.  So, the male Zombies can immediately after the wedding start "tearing up pussy" in a comfy room with various female Zombies, any random co-eds who are sufficiently blitzed, and each other.  The Swami is sooooooooo nice to his Zombie buds!   

 

5. Because "everyone knows" that The Swami is "totally obsessed" with Beth, he gingerly approached Lovely Pamela about the possibility of a three-way (purely to please the pervs among his many adoring fans... and, well, because the videos would go for Major $$$).  She said, "I wouldn't let that skankasaurus with obvious hygiene issues within 100 yards of us."  Zing!  But Pamela mischievously added that, "But Michelle Pfeiffer is pretty HOT."  So The Swami will be emailing Michelle as soon as a firm wedding date is set.

 

6. To reserve copies of the videos NOW, send your email to itypeonehanded@aol.com.  The special for-you-today-only pre-introductory prices are $99.99 for the one DVD of The Swami, Pamela, and Michelle, and just $9.95 for the entire boxed set of 14 videos of the Zombies.

 

Stay tuned for further developments!  

"To Whiny, Bitchy Stewardesses"

(Written 11/12/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers Blog)

I recently received an email about "13 Things Your Flight Attendant Won't Tell You."  It and my responses to the princesses are below.  Enjoy...

<< 1. Want to start off on the wrong foot with me? Put your carry-on in a full overhead bin, leave it sticking out six inches, then take your seat at the window and wait for someone else (me!) to come along and solve the physics problem you just created. >>

Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me. I thought the new $100 check-in bag fee your MegaProfit Airlines just added would cover that. Is it okay now if I go back to my $10 drink and $8 snack while leaning my head on my $7 pillow and watching the $10 movie? >>

<< 2. You disarm an unruly passenger by introducing yourself, asking his name, and saying something like ‘I’ve been incredibly nice to you for three hours. Why are you treating me like this?’ Generally that gets the other passengers on your side—and sometimes they’ll even applaud. >>

They're applauding only because they've been wedged into YOUR itsy-bitsy seats for three hours. ANY motion help keeps their muscles from totally locking up.

<< 3. We don't have a boyfriend in every city. And our median age these days is 44. >>

Can I have my $12 "sleep package" now, or aren't you done whining yet?

<< 4. An all-too-common scenario? I hand you a cup of coffee and say, ‘Cream and sugar?’ You say, ‘What?’ I say, ‘Cream and sugar?’ You say, ‘What?’ Come on, people. What do you think we’re going to ask after we’ve handed you coffee? Your favorite color? >>

I'm still DEAF from that connecting flight from Pittsburg to Miami with a stopover in your "hub" in Los Angeles, so please write down anything you want me to "hear." 

<< 5. If you’re traveling with a small child and you keep hearing bells, bells, and more bells, please look to see if it’s your child playing with the flight attendant call bell. >>

Oh good, I thought the ringing in my ears was from the connecting flight. 

<< 6. The lavatory door is not rocket science. Just push. >>

Oh?  But minorly rearranging luggage in an overhead bin IS rocket science?

<< 7. If you have a baby, bring diapers. If you’re diabetic, bring syringes. If you have high blood pressure, don’t forget your medication. That way, I’m not trying to make a diaper out of a sanitary pad and a pillowcase or asking over the intercom if someone has a spare inhaler. >>

In my mad rush to get here FOUR hours before takeoff so that your buddies could strip search me looking for deadly deodorant containers, I must've forgotten something.  

<< 8. Just in case you hadn’t noticed, there are other people on the airplane besides you. So don’t clip your toenails, snore with wild abandon, or do any type of personal business under a blanket! >>

I'll *try* to coordinate my snoring with the SCREAMS of the FIVE babies on this flight whenever there's a slight change in cabin pressure, okay?

<< 9. If you’re traveling overseas, do yourself a favor and bring a pen... you need one to fill out the immigration forms. >>

A pen? You're whining like a 3-year-old girl over a frickin' PEN?!?!?! Why don't y'all just charge an extra $50 as a "Cheapass Pen" fee???

<< 10. Passengers are always coming up to me and tattling on each other. Can you tell him to put his seat up?’ ‘She won’t share the armrest.’ What am I, a preschool teacher? >>

Fine, *I* will deal with the 400 lb. Sumo wrestler sitting next to me who's jacked up on bennies and struggling to get out of his $59 "extra wide" seat so he can come after YOU because you STILL haven't brought him his *twelve* $9 "snackboxes." Please let me know YOUR full name so I can include it in the law suit I'm going to file when he picks ME up and throws ME across the center row seats into the next aisle.

<< 11. I hate working flights to destinations like Vail and West Palm Beach. The passengers all think they’re in first class even if they’re not. They don’t do what we ask. And the overhead bins are full of their mink coats. >>

I'll keep that in mind when I return to the shithole where *I* live with my wife, who wears a secondhand "good Republican cloth coat."

<< 12. Do you really have to go to the bathroom right now, while we’re wrestling a 250-pound food cart down the aisle? You can’t wait 90 seconds for us to pass? >>

No, I *can't* wait. I've had explosive diarrhea for 40 years.  If you don't get out of my way right NOW, I'll turn around, pull my pants down, bend over, and BAWHOOOSH all over your stupid cart. Then YOU get to clean up the mess. Sooooo... YOU have 10 seconds to move your butt out of my way. Tick tock!

<< 13. Is it that difficult to say hello and goodbye? We say it 300 times on every flight, and only about 40 people respond. >> 

I'm soooooo sorry, I was busy screaming in pain after the Idiot in front of me suddenly slammed his seat all the way back, into the knees on my 35" legs.

The Swami is Now Officially his Grandfather!"

(Written 11/7/11 by PrancerTheSwami for the Uglier MDers Blog)

The Swami is NOT pleased to be mistaken for his maternal grandfather!  His granddad was OLD when he died at age 66 with a full head of WHITE hair.  The Swami is just 64 and YOUNG!

The Swami blames it ALL on the chickypoo at the Burger King today!

But The Swami was already fearful.  For reasons The Swami has never understood, he looks grayer right after a haircut.  Something about the longer hair on top not being as gray blahblahblah.  And The Swami's hair has been slowly getting grayer since his mid-40s.

But until now, The Swami's hair has still looked "dark."  NOT anymore!  When The Swami looked in the mirror after the barber was finished, he was SHOCKED.  Suddenly The Swami's hair looked "light."  When The Swami got home and looked closer, he could find barely ANY dark hairs.  WTF happened?

The Swami figures there's a "tipping point" with hair when it suddenly *appears* to go from dark to light with just a small percentage change. 

When he whined to the Lovely Pamela, she somewhat soothed him by saying how much more "distinguished" he looked.

The Swami was thus somewhat recovered when he went to the Burger King today.  But not for long!

There was the usual squawking back and forth over the stupid drive-in microphone and speaker.  Then out of nowhere the chickypoo offered The Swami a special item from the "Senior Citizen's Menu."  Say WHAT!!!  The Swami was both outraged AND embarrassed!

But before The Swami cut loose and vented his spleen at the poor chickypoo, she mentioned that he would also get 10% off his entire order.

The Swami is all about the $$$, so he let it slide.

The other BAD news was that The Swami COULD HAVE been getting the 10% off for the last 4.5 years, but never thought to ask.  Now The Swami is pissed at himself for being such a butthead. 

Ugly to be gone for awhile

I am at BWI right now seconds from my first flight home. My Aunt who I always considered my mother has passed away.  This is a sad time for the Ugly going there for her pokhorony. Life will never be the same without Anika.

Some of us are fortunate enough to have parents. I was not. In Russia, people drink and drink hard. Many of my relatives died before 30 due to alcohol related causes.

My Aunt lived a ripe age cause she did not. She was a Staraya Deva. My Aunt was also gorgeous.

In Russia, women are pleasant to the eye. It is rare you see one who is not. Anika, even in her late 50s was still an eye catcher. She looked exactly like Katherine Jones married to Michael Douglas only with blonde hair. Russian women at 50 are way more beautiful than most 20 year old American women. I mean no offense but one just needs to take a trip to Russia to know what I mean.

More than that, Anika was a spirited one. Even in cold days, my parent figure drunk and a louse not taking care of her children (we often did not eat for days), Anika would come over 5 miles in sub temperatures with hot soup and refresher. She would take me to house and one day after my brother marred me terribly over the last cracker, and I never returned there. Last summer I took Frac to there and left him for one week due to unruly behavior and he has been a changed child since. Anika did not fail to take a spoon to your cheek or a broomstick to your side which she did to Frac. Frac now obeys.

I give Anika all credit for my success today. I would be a mere landsman if not for Anika, but she insisted on nightly readings and quizzes and fantasy writings. She ruled with an iron fist making me get up at crack dawn and recite mathematics and in the evenings I rarely had a free moment. Once I got out of primary school I was allowed no freedom. Anika was a teacher before she became blinded in one eye, and pushed me non-stop. She would not let me fail and I did not disappoint her. I thank Anika for all I am.

After I become successful, I tried for many years to get Anika to move to the states. She refused but I honored with quarterly trips home. I am saddened very much with her passing.

Please keep us Uglies in your thoughts and prayers as the Ugly family sojourns to the USSR to honour Anika.



Namaste

"The Swami Returns..."

(Written 11/4/11 by PrancerTheSwami for the Uglier MDers Blog)

The Swami bows to his many, patient, adoring fans...

The Swami is pleased to return after several months in an alternate time-space continuum attending a symposium on astrophysics and vacationing with the Lovely Pamela.  A few notes about the symposium...

1. Although The Swami hasn't aged AT ALL, some of you have truly gone to hell in a hand basket during the intervening "time."  The Swami now accepts that Stephen Hawking was right about that stuff.

2. There was one guy there with a monstrously fat ass who spent nearly the entire symposium stuffed into an extra-wide chair, getting "piss drunk," and yammering in *THREE* online chat rooms at the same time.  He was, of course, shunned by everyone else.  Hawking said the guy was there only because of a typo on one of the invitations. 

3. The best astrophysics joke passed around was this:

"We don't allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here,” says the bartender.

A neutrino walks into a bar.

The Swami loves a good speed-of-light joke!



"Rearranging Deck Chairs on the Titanic"

(Written 11/1/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers blog)

This is what happens when Zeeke gets sooooooooo obsessed that he orders the Zombies to desperately cling to EVERY room I've ever used.

So he winds up with just Wilson and FOUR Zombies spread out over THREE rooms.  (Zeeke was in one of the rooms a bit earlier, but I didn't happen to catch them between when Zeeke left and Wilson arrived, or it would've been just the four Zombies.)

I should be very flattered that little ol' me can cause that kind of obsession.  But given that they are now posting my personal information (AGAIN!) here, I remain concerned.

I do, however, sometimes wonder how far I could get them to go.  If I keep dumping and starting rooms, how long will they keep this up?  Four rooms?  Five?  Six? 

"Zeeke's 'Wildly Popular' Room (chuckle, chuckle)"

Written 10/31/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers blog)

"To Patti, With Sincerity (But No Cussing)"

(Written 10/30/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers Blog)

<< Shut the fuck up. You are nothing but a shit starter... Cut you garbage out and grow the fuck up. >> Patti, and "sincerely," too
Wow, look at Patti cussing up a storm and acting all self-righteous.

The cold, hard reality, dear, is that I haven't been in your room since it was created FIVE months ago, yet it is STILL deteriorating rapidly. That's NOT because of anything I write here; after all, nearly every one of you has loudly proclaimed that, "I never read the blogs!" It is, simply, because so many people have hated the way y'all behave in your room and so have left it in droves. Y'all have continued to bolt nice people you don't happen to like (e.g., Eyore and Jazzy), verbally assault anyone new who enters, and otherwise continue to do the same old nasty things.

Although I blame Zeeke and the other bullies for most of the damage to the overall group in the last couple of years, surely YOU and the others in there who USED to be nice have to also accept a fair amount of the blame. After all, y'all stood idly by while your buddies Zeeke, Vomit, Ollie, Eminence, etc., ruthlessly assaulted people, Zeeke regularly bolted 50+ people for giggles, and much else.

And eventually many of you formerly-nice people actually joined in with the ugliness in the room. For example, last I saw, Beth was being almost as nasty as Zeeke, and always nice Brunette was assaulting ME.

Basically, y'all gave Zeeke critical credibility and support, neither of which someone with his disgusting judiciary record and awful history in the room deserved. Had y'all NOT done so, Zeeke, Vomit, Ollie, Eminence, etc., would've just faded away like all the other verbal bullies who preceded him, or continued to be marginalized.

So, when your room does finally die, Patti, if you want to know why, just look into a mirror.

And yes, of course, my room is also in its death throes. I believe both rooms are now doomed because they are well below critical mass.

"Free Poor, Poor Perky!"

(Written 10/28/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers blog)



I have no idea what poor, poor Perky did to incur Zeeke's wrath and get sentenced to solitary confinement (with just random bots for company) in a room I dumped several days ago.

Perhaps she told him the (gasp) *truth* about something? Or asked him about all the crimes in his family? Hard to say, really...

Perky may now be just another Zombie Drama Queen, but she was once very nice and interesting. So, I think three days of confinement is ENOUGH, and Zeeke should set her FREE!!!
I've never understood Zeeke's obsession with rooms his "enemies" have left behind. It seems to resemble paps looking in Lindsay Lohan's trash cans for used tampons or something else newsworthy. Strange...

FREE PERKY!!!

"The Zeeke Family Crime Spree"

(Written 10/24/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders blog)

Zeeke and several of his family members have been endangering the lives and property of Maryland people for many years. It's a remarkable gene pool, it seems.

A List of the Crimes

Following is a list of the ones (excluding minor traffic violations) that I could readily find, for which he/she pled, or was found, guilty:

1. Burglary, 2nd degree (a felony; of *5* businesses; bail of $50,000... YES, $50K), which led to a *15*-year jail sentence, 5 years of probation, and much else.
2. Three... count them... THREE DUI's. (Two went to probation before judgment, and the other cost two nights in jail.)
3. Credit card theft (sentenced to time served of 45 days).
4. "Negligently driving a vehicle in a careless and imprudent manner endangering property, life, and person."
5. Recipient of a temporary protective order for "domestic violence."
6. Possession of marijuana. (probation before judgment)
7. "Minor in possession of alcohol."

Two other cases were placed on the Stet docket:
1. Firearms-Access by Minor.
2. Possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia.

Charges that were dropped by the State

Sometimes a good indication of the nature and extent of a crime is by the charges the State dropped in exchange for a guilty plea. Here, those included:

1. Theft, over $500
2. Theft, under $500
3. Malicious destruction of property, under $500
4. "Unlawful taking of a motor vehicle"
5. 4th degree burglary/tools (i.e., he was a pro)
6. Negligent driving
7. Three other possession of marijuana/paraphernalia charges

Bench Warrants and Hearings for Violation of Probation

Two indicators of either gross stupidity or just not giving a shit are bench warrants and hearings for violation of probation. Here, there were three or four of each. Thumbing your nose at the judge or the system in NEVER a good idea. That may also explain the three separate tickets for not even bothering to carry a license or registration with them. Lordy... that's dumb.

The Costs to the Zeeke Family

How much has all of this cost Zeeke and his family, dollar-wise? I have no idea how much they've paid out in attorney's fees, although I'm sure they've been very substantial. But the fines and court costs have run almost $3,000 with about $1,200 of it suspended. Then there's the $9,000+ restitution ordered for the burglaries. Add in doctor, etc., fees for court-ordered counseling. And lastly, whatever the costs were to Zeeke's mom for handling that $50,000 bail.

Jail Time and Probation

How much jail time has been involved? Hard to say... a few days here and there for the DUIs, 45 days for the credit card theft, and supposedly at least 18 months for the burglary.

There was hard probation time of FIVE years for the burglary. And the three cases put on probation before judgment were probably for the normal one year. The conditions for those are unknown.

A Potential Catastrophe Avoided

Although the burglary conviction was clearly the most serious one, the most dangerous incident was potentially one of the DUI's. Picture this: a young woman is drunk, at night, blasting along I-70 and Rt. 32 near Columbia at... hold your breath... 111 mph. Yes... read that again... ONE HUNDRED and ELEVEN mph. Holy shit, Batman!

A Lindsay Lohan Type Quote

The best quote I saw was by the burglar guy, from his MySpace blog. He was facing a revocation of probation hearing that could lead to a LONG time in the slammer. Why? Because he hadn't completed his Anger Management Classes in a timely manner. How did he react? Well, OF COURSE, he got ANGRY and ranted about how it's everyone ELSE's fault. "(My probation officer) could have told me hey you need to fix this."

He had only taken 14 of the necessary 22 classes. I think the real problem was he had skipped a LOT of math classes (following Uncle Billy's lead), and simply couldn't count higher than 14. << chuckle, chuckle >>

A Few Observations

1. What's it like asking your grandmother to arrange a $50,000 bail bond?
2. Let's have a Fill in the Blank Contest: "The family that gets piss drunk together then drives at 111 mph _________."
3. What DO they put in their water glasses at the family dinners?
4. WTF is with half of them getting caught without their driver's license and/or registration cards??? Seriously, folks... you just put your car keys on top of your wallet and...
5. Probation before judgment and a small fine for flying drunk at *111* mph?!?!?! That's IT???
6. People STILL smoke weed??? That's sooooooooo 1970's.
7. What kind of car does Zeeke's brother drive? I want to totally avoid being around him and it on the mean streets of Hagerspatch.

Our Condolences

The Ugly's would like to extend our sympathy for the recent passing of Zeek's mother. Death is never an easy thing, especially maternal/paternal deaths.

Sincerely, Rocco and Monie.

Ugly in Paradise

We apologize to our many fans for closing the blog down without notice. As you can see, we are in Paradise. Monica wanted a week with no interruptions.

"A New Milestone in Obsession"

(Written 10/4/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers blog)

I'm always proud as a peacock when people obsess over little ol' ME. So I just had to announce that Bonnie and Pam have soared well past all prior levels of obsession over me with their... ta da... *30th* rant about me on Bonnie's blog. Well, that's as I write this. By the time Ugly posts this, I'm sure they'll be up to at least 35.

And that only goes back to September 20th, so they're clocking along at TWO per day!

A few observations:

1. Sources within Zombie World tell me that Zeeke is deeply miffed because Pam and Bonnie have virtually stopped obsessing over about him, noting that barely 10% of their rants lately have featured HIM.

2. Their fav topic is how obsessed *I* am with *them*. << cough, cough >> FYI, this is just my fourth article about them. So I could write *25* more articles about them and *still* not be caught up.

3. Whenever I read one of Bonnie's novellas about me, I'm reminded of what columnist George Will once said about George Bush, Sr.: "Tracing a Bush thought back from its manifestation in speech to its origin in his thinking is like seeking the source of the Blue Nile... Bush skitters like a waterbug on the surface of things, strewing fragments of thoughts..."

4. Pam's rants could serve as a poster child for the genesis of that old saying from James Schlesinger, "Everyone is entitled to his own views. No one is entitled to his own facts." She just makes up "facts" on the fly, and then ignores citations to authoritative sources. Strangely, she thinks that then changing her characterization of a "fact" to "just her opinion" somehow makes it more valid. It doesn't.

5. While Bonnie's rants generally at least have *some* structure to them, Pam's rarely do. They mostly remind me of my brother's incoherent ramblings after his 12th beer.

6. Oh... and, of course, each of them has sworn multiple times that they will never EVER rant about me AGAIN. I just consider those to be fair warning that their inevitable next rant will be, as the Greaseman used to say, a "massive gassive."

"Help Me, I've Been Fishnapped!"

Written 9/30/11 by ChristopherK2 on behalf of Fred the Bass)


I desperately need your help! Pam has fishnapped me and is holding me in sexual bondage at this farm somewhere in Virginia. She makes me do disgusting things to her a couple of times a day. She says that unless I cooperate she'll panfry me in butter.

Pam paid the guy in the pic $5 to pose with me, and he's my only hope of survival. Pam has been making up SNs and sending out this pic to AOL women hoping to get information about some guy she hates (K2 or something... I dunno).

If you know who the guy in the pic really is, please notify Ugly (the owner of this blog). He has agreed to secretly pass the information to the Fish Abuse Society of Virginia without identifying you. The FASofVA will then contact the guy, and hopefully be able to find me and release me back into the pretty stream from which Pam snatched me.

P.S. If you know the name of a good shrink who can help me recover from the vile, despicable things Pam did, I'd appreciate a referral.

Thanks in advance!

Fred the Bass

"No Wonder Everyone (except Bonnie) Hates Pam"

(Written 9/29/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers Blog)

After her thoroughly disgusting actions towards her former Fuck Buddy Wannabe Colmac in the chat room that one night, a normal, decent adult would've profusely apologized, explained, promised to never do it again, and asked for forgiveness from the many who were deeply offended. That would've ended the drama, and we all could've moved on to more pleasant chats.

But not Pam! After I bolted her, she immediately took to blogging me, mainly making up easily-refutable "facts," and ranting about noonecareswhat. She also enlisted Bonnie for unquestioning support.

Sad to say, though, Pam has also since expanded her looniness to other activities:

1. She's made up Sham SNs in order to sneak back into the room, for reasons I still don't understand. (Logging? Gathering intel? Don't know, don't care, doesn't matter.)

2. She actually telephoned Colmac about a chat log that was posted here. (STALKER ALERT!!!)

2. In a desperate quest to be allowed back into the room (not gonna happen), Pam has also harassed several other roomies who weren't even aware of her ugly attacks on Colmac. They are now! LOL

3. Pam has also repeatedly attacked AF205CNE by IM under her Svapam SN, and tried to pry information out of AF under her Sham SNs. AF's major "sin" in Pam's view apparently is being a personal friend of Colmac, and defending him in the room. A recent near-midnight IM to AF shows the pathetic depths to which Pam has sunk:

Svapam [11:45 P.M.]: hey asshole
Svapam [11:46 P.M.]: got anything you want to say about me
Svapam [11:46 P.M.]: now run along to wimpy chrissy and tell him i called you an asshole
Svapam [11:53 P.M.]: and tell you wimpy chrissy that he should put all his spare time to better use then blogging about me
Svapam [11:53 P.M.]: like maybe fucking you

Yeah, I'm going to let her back into the room. << cough, cough >>

Pam--Just give up and find another room to hassle. In just a few weeks, you can have yet another large group of people who hate you!

"It's My 15th (Chat Room) Anniversay!"

(Written 9/27/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders blog)

Although I can't be certain of the exact date, it was this time of the year in 1996 that I first entered the Marylanders (its name back then) chat room. So, I'm counting today as my official 15th anniversary with this chat room group. Yeah me!!!

I had joined AOL in the summer of 1996 mainly to read various magazines and newspapers online. A few months later I read about the chat rooms and thought they sounded interesting. I was living alone in Scottsdale, AZ, far from my Maryland home. So I thought it might be interesting to try chatting with folks from my old stomping grounds.

That small decision has led to 15 years of ups and downs, but mostly some great memories and outcomes. A few of them follow...

Great Women: Not only did I meet my wonderful fiancée thru AOL, but a lot of others who were "just friends." Ladyhawg (Nancy), for example, was not just gorgeous, but also intelligent, educated, tall, funny, and she lived life large. There were many others, like Lady Exec, ZimaGal, VickiSue, and (pre-Zombie) HamOnWry. Some I've remained in touch with, much to my delight.

Social Functions: These were very popular back then for several years. The second one I attended, for example, was a semi-formal Valentine's Day dinner dance with about 200 people. I went to many of the nightclub events, but that wasn't really my thing. I mostly enjoyed the family picnic atmosphere at Clark's Restaurant... good food, sports, swimming, music, etc.

I Rediscovered Photography: That interest had been dormant since my marriage ended eight years earlier. But self-pics were rare on AOL at the time. So I bought a flatbed scanner after I returned to Maryland, and began taking pics at social functions. I photographed hundreds of AOLers, and my interest in photography in general took off.

I Rediscovered my Interest in Creative Writing: I hadn't written anything creative for many years. But in the early years of AOL, message boards were quite popular. So, I joined several and began again to write poetry, fiction, editorials, and much else. And I obviously still do a lot of writing.

The Chat Rooms: They've always reflected the overall group, so they've gone from several large rooms to two small ones, from nice adult chat to predominantly ugliness, and from crowded and dynamic to near-empty and often moribund. I don't hold out much hope for the future of our chat rooms; they are both below critical mass at this point and I see no hope of the factions combining. I see them fading away, sooner rather than later.

But no matter what happens in the near future, I'll still have left from my AOL experiences a few friends, and all those wonderful memories... oh... and a LOT of pics!

Swami

Where is Swami? I want a prediction which Zombie(s) will be brave enough to post under their real name. Until then folks!

I'm Speechless

"I Just Set a Blogging Record!!!"

(Written 9/13/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders blog)

I'm feeling all proud and shit of myself this morning for setting what I'm sure is some kind of all-time Marylanders blog record. I've now "been blogged" on four, yes, count them... FOUR different blogs.

In addition to the expected trashings on here, and on Zeeke's and Vomit's blogs, I was just blogged on Bonnie's!

In my upcoming acceptance speech at the First Annual Marylanders Blog Awards, I will detail my many wonderful personal traits that led to this, and thank all of the many "little people" who were instrumental in my remarkable achievement. Without giving away too much, let's just say that I'm "universally loved" and some of the "little people" are, well, not so little.

The nature of the award hasn't yet been announced, but I'm hoping for Major $$$. Well, at least a huge trophy. Hmmm... a ribbon? A stinkin' ribbon??? C'mon, you give ribbons to your frickin' cat for pooping in the litter box!

Anywho, it doesn't much matter because my Big Book Deal with a Major Publishing Company is contingent only on me being the *sole* winner of the award. And I already have that locked up UNLESS a couple of NEW blogs are started before the deadline and some now Second Place Slacker gets slammed and I don't. And that's not likely given that EVERY blogger now wants to take shots at me. I'm sooooooooooooo loved.

Whose blog is this?

Please make sure you take the time to do our poll. Or just put your accusations here.

"How the Mighty Have Fallen..."

(Written 9/10/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders blog)

The once semi-proud Love Fest room has been slowly but surely reducing itself to its essential trash. And that process has been recently accelerating. Its days of Zeeke's loud proclamations of it being "one of the most popular chatrooms on AOL" are but a distant memory, now replaced by not-all-that much.

Early Friday morning, AOL pulled another of its "dump non-essential SNs" tricks. Although *I* was offended to be included, it did reduce both rooms to just two SNs. As you can see by this print screen, none of their other regular 24/7 Campers had returned by even 7:00 a.m. (At that point, my room was its usual rocking self, with seven nice people engaging in pleasant chat.)

It would take several more hours for Love Fest to recover somewhat. As you can see below, by 11 a.m, it was up to 10 SNs. Oddly, Zeeke wasn't there nor was Beth. Beth had been MIA for several days. That's not exactly a chatty group, but that's been generally true of Love Fest all along. The early morning group had left my room by then, and so it was back to its usual five SNs not saying much.

Alas for Zeeke, 10 SNs was about as good as it would get that day. It would peak at 11 at about 4 p.m. and again at 9 p.m. More typical, though, was this group at 5 p.m.
Merely *seven* SNs in a room that used to brag about MANY MORE than that... And nearly all of them are 24/7 Campers, so we can safely assume almost nothing was being said. My room had six SNs at that point, and not much chat was occuring.

The last snapshot I'll show you is below, from almost 8 p.m. It again almost reached its peak of 11 SNs, but would quickly start losing them after 9 p.m. as people headed off to bed. My room was having one of its usual mid-evening mini-surges, with eight SNs chatting away.
For the day, Love Fest averaged just a shocking 7.6 SNs... amazing. My room averaged 5.6, but *I* have never said it was "one of the most popular chatrooms on AOL." <> My simple goal has always been for my room to be a safe place for nice people to have pleasant chats with each other.

A few quick thoughts...

1. It kinda puts the kibosh on Zeeke's claim of having the "overwhelming majority of Maryland chatters."

2. When Ham's not around, Love Fest quickly begins evaporating. Apparently many of the Love Fest regulars agree with me... she's about the only interesting person still in there.

3. When Zeeke's not around, well, things aren't much affected for better or for worse.

"Apparently It CAN Get Worse..."

(Written 8/31/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

I was totally wrong (for a change). Zeeke has managed to outdo himself. I hereby give him the "Totally Obsessed With AOL Drama" Award...

"You couldn't be a whore"

Quite the tell tale second sentence.

Just shoot me if

"Just Shoot Me If..."
(Written 8/29/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

Just shoot me if I ever get THIS addicted to AOL:

"Early Spring is Gone, But Hooray for What Came Next"

(Written 8-19-11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

I wrote earlier about the difficulties of finding flowering plants for early spring, and ballyhooed bulbs for that. Today I'll discuss some of the glorious plants of late spring and early summer, which is most everyone's favorite gardening season.

Annuals

Annuals are one of our favorite plants, judging by the numbers sold at the nurseries I frequent. Their flowers generally last until fall, and come in a huge variety of shapes, sizes, and colors.

I continue a tradition Mom and I did for 20+ years by buying and planting a whole lot (81 this year) of annuals on Mother's Day. But you can buy them any time after May 1st or so. I buy a dozen types, and a few of them are highlighted below. But all kinds are easy to plant and grow quickly IF you water and feed them regularly. Just match them with your levels of sunlight and buy what you like!

The Flossflower below develops into a 12" ball of gorgeous, small, blue, aster-like puffy flowers. Here you see it sited in one of my main uses of annuals, to fill in around a shrub that still has a few years to grow.


Next is a colorful Sun Coleus. Coleuses are normally a shade plant, but this one has been bred to tolerate a lot of sun. It's a bit finicky (thirsty), but its amazing foliage more than compensates. Here, I have it partially-hidden behind a bird bath. It'll grow almost 2' tall, and a foot wide.


The Marigold is a garden staple, mainly because it's very hearty and grows REALLY fast. Mine guickly outgrew their projected 18" by 18" size, and thus merged into pretty globs of yellow, orange, and red. I have about 15 of them surrounding what will beco

me a large Kerria shrub.


Perennials

There's a large selection of delightful perennials that start flowering in early June and keep on blooming to about Labor Day. They're a bit trickier to plant than most types, but the instructions that come with them are usually fine IF followed exactly. I add manure and compost to most, and then water them religiously for a full year. Most will peak in their third year, and can then be divided and passed around to your friends or planted elsewhere.

I love my Blanket Flowers! The one below is smaller than most at 18" by 18". Given its wonderful "warm" colors, compact size, and long flowering season, it's ideal for the front of beds, along sidewalks, and anywhere people can kneel down and admire it. The one below is an 'Arizona Sun' cultivar and is nestled in front of a large, dark purple Barberry shrub along the front of my parking lot.


Many gardeners have several of the Coreopsis (a 'Moonbeam' below) to provide a bright yellow accent. The flowers are rather small and boring up close, though. They're generally about 18" high and 24" wide. I've sandwiched one here near beside my shed between two deep blue Plumbagos and in front of a large, plain green shrub. I like contrast! LOL


The Kalimeris ('Blue Star') below is what I call a "spot" plant. You can stick it anywhere you have a small opening because it only gets about 12-15" high and wide. Here it's plopped between two tall, thin grasses. You could also plant a bunch of them together in groups, rows, or other arrangements. It's a cousin to the much bigger Aster, with pretty baby blue flowers with bright yellow centers.


Lastly, the Black-eyed Susan, the State Flower of Maryland. So, every garden MUST have a few BY LAW. LOL They look best planted in large groups. Here, I have four of them in a curved row surrounding what will eventually be a large Osmanthus ('Goshiki') shrub. Be careful because they often DO get larger than advertised. These, in only their second year, are already about 2 1/2' wide and almost 3 1/2' tall.

The ghost in my house

My wife is demanding a new house. You'd think a 5,000 plus square foot house with a four car garage, in-house pool, tennis courts, and so on with a 50 acre spread would please a woman. Especially given she doesn't have to lift a finger in the house. We have two live-in maids.

A few months ago Fric started telling me "Roger" was coming to see him at night. We wasted no time at all taking him to Dr. Whacky. Who jotted out a cocktail of meds for my son and sent us on our merry way. We poured into books on schizophrenia and called up relative after relative asking if that weird Aunt or eccentric Uncle ever talked about Rogers. We joined the National Association of Mental Illness local goon squad and attended a couple seminars at S'Pratt.

It was tough accepting my son may be a whack job more than our good friend Cindy. Very tough. For at least two weeks I walked inner city streets and tried to understand all this. I spent many days talking to odd individuals who were having duologues; one where they may hear me address them but meanshile too busy having othrer conversations, even if no one else was present.

We took him to Kennedy Kreiger who did a full work up on him, including a brain scan. They pronounced him sane and said he had an overactive imagination. So, we took him home and no longer allowed an extra chair for Roger at the dinner table.

A few months later, Monica calls me up at work to tell me Frac had told a teacher that Roger came to school with him. The teacher, assuming there was a lost child, called Monica. A full school search began for this missing child, with Frac constantly pointing at blank targets and saying, "he's right there." My son was Baker Acted that night.

Desperate for answers now, Monica went to Fric and allowed him to talk about Roger. Who was a child of a local Millworker killed at 11 by log falling on him. Monica, clearly spooked now, went to the local library and asked a librarian for assistance looking up a child's death in 1933. Sure enough, there was a death on record of a Roger Rhodes, killed by a heavy branch fallen on him.

Within days, my dear wife was communicating with Roger as well. I began coming home every night and hearing three formerly sane people having full length conversations with this "Roger." I called in Ghostbusters. I called in a psychic. I had a full square psychiatric intervention on my wife. Finally, a pedophilic Catholic priest came. Little did Monica know he took money under the table.

Within days I had my wife and children back, only now we're living a hotel until we find another dig. No real estate agent around will touch our house, so this will be costly. William Blatty would be proud of the tale this priest weaved. How Roger is really "Legion" and he was beginning a friendship with one way to hell.

Boo.