"To Whiny, Bitchy Stewardesses"

(Written 11/12/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier MDers Blog)

I recently received an email about "13 Things Your Flight Attendant Won't Tell You."  It and my responses to the princesses are below.  Enjoy...

<< 1. Want to start off on the wrong foot with me? Put your carry-on in a full overhead bin, leave it sticking out six inches, then take your seat at the window and wait for someone else (me!) to come along and solve the physics problem you just created. >>

Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me. I thought the new $100 check-in bag fee your MegaProfit Airlines just added would cover that. Is it okay now if I go back to my $10 drink and $8 snack while leaning my head on my $7 pillow and watching the $10 movie? >>

<< 2. You disarm an unruly passenger by introducing yourself, asking his name, and saying something like ‘I’ve been incredibly nice to you for three hours. Why are you treating me like this?’ Generally that gets the other passengers on your side—and sometimes they’ll even applaud. >>

They're applauding only because they've been wedged into YOUR itsy-bitsy seats for three hours. ANY motion help keeps their muscles from totally locking up.

<< 3. We don't have a boyfriend in every city. And our median age these days is 44. >>

Can I have my $12 "sleep package" now, or aren't you done whining yet?

<< 4. An all-too-common scenario? I hand you a cup of coffee and say, ‘Cream and sugar?’ You say, ‘What?’ I say, ‘Cream and sugar?’ You say, ‘What?’ Come on, people. What do you think we’re going to ask after we’ve handed you coffee? Your favorite color? >>

I'm still DEAF from that connecting flight from Pittsburg to Miami with a stopover in your "hub" in Los Angeles, so please write down anything you want me to "hear." 

<< 5. If you’re traveling with a small child and you keep hearing bells, bells, and more bells, please look to see if it’s your child playing with the flight attendant call bell. >>

Oh good, I thought the ringing in my ears was from the connecting flight. 

<< 6. The lavatory door is not rocket science. Just push. >>

Oh?  But minorly rearranging luggage in an overhead bin IS rocket science?

<< 7. If you have a baby, bring diapers. If you’re diabetic, bring syringes. If you have high blood pressure, don’t forget your medication. That way, I’m not trying to make a diaper out of a sanitary pad and a pillowcase or asking over the intercom if someone has a spare inhaler. >>

In my mad rush to get here FOUR hours before takeoff so that your buddies could strip search me looking for deadly deodorant containers, I must've forgotten something.  

<< 8. Just in case you hadn’t noticed, there are other people on the airplane besides you. So don’t clip your toenails, snore with wild abandon, or do any type of personal business under a blanket! >>

I'll *try* to coordinate my snoring with the SCREAMS of the FIVE babies on this flight whenever there's a slight change in cabin pressure, okay?

<< 9. If you’re traveling overseas, do yourself a favor and bring a pen... you need one to fill out the immigration forms. >>

A pen? You're whining like a 3-year-old girl over a frickin' PEN?!?!?! Why don't y'all just charge an extra $50 as a "Cheapass Pen" fee???

<< 10. Passengers are always coming up to me and tattling on each other. Can you tell him to put his seat up?’ ‘She won’t share the armrest.’ What am I, a preschool teacher? >>

Fine, *I* will deal with the 400 lb. Sumo wrestler sitting next to me who's jacked up on bennies and struggling to get out of his $59 "extra wide" seat so he can come after YOU because you STILL haven't brought him his *twelve* $9 "snackboxes." Please let me know YOUR full name so I can include it in the law suit I'm going to file when he picks ME up and throws ME across the center row seats into the next aisle.

<< 11. I hate working flights to destinations like Vail and West Palm Beach. The passengers all think they’re in first class even if they’re not. They don’t do what we ask. And the overhead bins are full of their mink coats. >>

I'll keep that in mind when I return to the shithole where *I* live with my wife, who wears a secondhand "good Republican cloth coat."

<< 12. Do you really have to go to the bathroom right now, while we’re wrestling a 250-pound food cart down the aisle? You can’t wait 90 seconds for us to pass? >>

No, I *can't* wait. I've had explosive diarrhea for 40 years.  If you don't get out of my way right NOW, I'll turn around, pull my pants down, bend over, and BAWHOOOSH all over your stupid cart. Then YOU get to clean up the mess. Sooooo... YOU have 10 seconds to move your butt out of my way. Tick tock!

<< 13. Is it that difficult to say hello and goodbye? We say it 300 times on every flight, and only about 40 people respond. >> 

I'm soooooo sorry, I was busy screaming in pain after the Idiot in front of me suddenly slammed his seat all the way back, into the knees on my 35" legs.