My name is Monika

Rarely do the Uglies share personal things. The below post prompted me to write this.

My name is Monika, and I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. I am not ashamed. I'm not afraid to admit it.

I've been sober for 24 years. Both Rocco and I come from alcoholic backgrounds. My father died at 41 from a heart attack after continuing to drink after doctor's told him to stop. My mother is 74 and has been through 13 rehabs. Both Rocco's parents died early from drinking. (Rocco doesn't drink for the record).

I'm sharing this because it might just help another suffering alcoholic and that is what keeps me sober.

My journey began in high school in Vancouver. I had a set of friends from childhood and we were tight. One night Tabby asked me to sneak out and go to a party with her since there was a guy there she was nuts about. I did just this. She asked me to drink which I didn't want to do. My father had died of drinking and I was strictly against it. However, I wanted to be a good friend, so I drank a glass of wine. It was hard to swallow at first but after the first gulp settled in I was amazed. I had never felt so awesome. I gulped another. And another. I didn't get sick. (I still think if I had my journey would have taken another path).

After this, every weekend was a party. Tabby, Mena, Linda, and I were at every party there was. We had a blast it always seemed, but somehow I always forgot that half the night was bonding while holding each other's hair while we puked. Or that our grades went from As and Bs to Cs and Ds soon after. Or how all of our allowance was spent on aspirin.

By 16, Mena had moved away and Linda was not allowed to hang around us cause of a bad drunk scene I won't go into. Just Tab and I now, and we went deeper and deeper. What was weekend parties became weekday parties. We were brought home endless times by the RCP to our homes. Tabby soon got pregnant and had to stop. So, I did too. The day after Jonathan was born she was back to partying and soon lost her son to her mother. She got pregnant again in 12th grade and I decided to follow a guy I was in love with to college.
He dumped me the second week of college cause I was a barfly he said. To prove him wrong, I studied like crazy and by November I was all F's and all A's at the local bar. I was sued by a credit card company and every charge on there was from a bar. I was hit by a car when I staggered and fell in the middle of the street. I lost a huge modeling job cause of drinking made me gain weight. I was rushed to the hospital twice when my blood pressure went to dangerous levels. I started doing all kind of drugs to help me get up, go to sleep, feel okay, feel tired. 

 By 22, I had professionals telling me I needed to turn my life around. I didn't listen and it got worse. I was arrested in the states for drinking and driving and fled the court date. I was terminated from a job cause I kept coming in late. I stole money from my Aunt to drink. I tried geographical relocations to solve my problem moving to France, US, and Germany. All I did was drink more and more. I got up in the morning drinking, I went to work drunk, and eventually it all crumbled.

One morning, I awoke at 23 years old in an alley in Toronto, and still cannot remember how I got there. I was full of puke, shivering, lacking of colour, and in severe pain. I had long since been kicked out of my mother's house, flunked out of my first college, job less, about 96 lbs, and had a broken arm and a fractured rib cage. I awoke cuddling a homeless man of about 55 courtesy of a police officer asking why we were doing this on a streetwalk. I had hit bottom.

Right across the road was a hospital. I went over there and told them I needed help. Within two hours I was entered in a rehabilitation center. It was very hard at first. I had to counter demons I didn't want to. I had to acknowledge that perfect me was not perfect. I had to admit my wrongs to others and apologize. The worst part, I had to own my behavior and modify it. The first year was hard. I got married impulsively and divorced. I moved to another country. I moved back. I moved again. I moved back. I moved in with my mother.

After one year of pure hell, I picked up a chip for being sober. I have never been so happy in my life.

After awhile, I accepted me for who I was. Life got better. I went back to college and got my degree.  I bought a home. I ran a marathon. I won first place in a cookoff.  I met Ugly. We moved across the continent. We moved again. I got engaged. I started a business. Then he started a business. I had two kids.

I did all this completely sober. I'm proud that I can look at my kids and say they've never seen their mother drink. I never knew this as a kid my parents were always drunk. I recently sent my almost adult son to a school he's been talking about forever. (He wants a career as a zoologist). This would have never happened sober. He's of come home like I did to help his mother walk to the bathroom to piss like I did.

I'm sharing this because there is help out there. Alcoholism is all over, hits every race, religion, sex, and income level there is.  I had a huge modeling contract that I lost cause of drinking. I lost my family relations, my self-respect, my connection with a higher power, my friends, my family, my education, so much. I'm grateful as hell I only spent 7 years with this too. I've seen much worse in AA.

If you think you have a problem, help is out there. Please visit: http://www.aa.org/lang/en/subpage.cfm?page=12