"Smackdown: Bonnie vs. Zeeke"

(Written 3/8/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

Excitement has been peaking as the smackdown tonight between Zeeke and Bonnie has drawn near. Huge bets have been placed. The trash-talking is at fever pitch. The combatants have finished their training. The Ring Girls are prepped.

As fight time nears, let's take a few minutes to look back on the recent developments...

Negotiations

Initially it was thought that no one could pull this match off because of the obvious physical differences. (Because this article is fictional, I conveniently assumed that Bonnie's knees are fine.) Zeeke's 150-lb. weight advantage was thought to be way too much to overcome. But then someone (ahem...) came up with the idea of creative handicaps and compensations.

So, after much haggling, there are two offsets. First, Zeeke will be required to wear 5" Stripper Heels. And second, Bonnie can wield a steel shaft 5-iron. That brought the odds down to dead even.

And because they both have the lung capacity of the average 80-year-old, the bout was reduced to three 90-second rounds with two minutes between rounds. Oxygen will be readily available.

The Weigh-In

Although the weigh-in was the usual mishmash of posturing and trash talk, there were a couple of notable stats. Much to Zeeke's chagrin, the new stat of Body Mass Index (BMI) was added. Let's just say that too many mashed taters with butter gets you to "morbidly obese" in a flash.

Also, Bonnie was surprisingly trim, indicating that she had done some serious training.

The Forum

The parking lot at Remingtons night club was chosen even though it's Zeeke's "home." Bonnie agreed figuring it was more likely to lead to Zeeke being "piss drunk" for the fight.

The crowd began to form around the make-shift ring 30 minutes before the 9 p.m. start. Zeeke's side (all 7 of them) was clustered around his corner as were Bonnie's to hers. The other 150 spectators (50 AOLers who didn't give a crap who wins but were there for the FREE BEER, and 100 random Remingtons drunks) were scattered nearby.

Shortly before 9, Zeeke came wobbling out of the bar area, looking rather unsteady on the pink Stripper Heels but resplendent in jeans, sneaks, and a green muscle shirt. Bonnie wore no-nonsense shorts, tank top, and steel-toe worker boots.

The crowd was rather unruly, cursed loudly, and had repeatedly toasted random events for the prior 30 minutes.

Final Comments

Zeeke: "I'm gonna kick the @#$$% out of the God@#$^ Bi@#$&."

Bonnie: "I'm gonna shove this 5-Iron up his ass."

In the Ring

The fighters snarled a bit at each other, but they both forgot about the "stare down." So, the crowd booed because the stare down is often the best part of such fights.

The referee read the list of the rules: "There are no rules." The fighters returned to their corners.

Ring Girl #1 (Beth) sauntered around the ring in her spanking new cheerleader outfit. (Sorry about the spanking imagery. Oh wait... no, I'm not sorry. She could use a good one.)

Round #1

At the bell, Zeeke's strategy quickly became clear. He was planning on bull charging Bonnie and flattening her like a pancake.

But alas, Zeeke hadn't practiced at all in his Stripper Heels. (And possibly, they're not built for his kind of bulk.) So, with his second step, a heel gave way, throwing Zeeke off balance into a headfirst dive, then a roll ending up with him spread-eagled at Bonnie's feet. Well, la te da, she thought as she slammed a steel toe into his nads.

Zeeke spent the rest of the first round curled into a fetal ball crying for his momma. The Guys in the audience all had their legs tightly crossed with their hands covering their laps.

Bonnie circled Zeeke warily figuring he was probably just playing his "mind fuck" game. Trust me, he wasn't.

Round 1 Result: Bonnie the clear winner.

Round #2

Ring Girl #2 RedSkyBay was quite the sight in a lovely and skimpy minidress, but many were disappointed by her *still* keeping her face covered.

Zeeke came out of his corner slowly *this* time, wearing a heavy cod piece over his jeans but still jerking apprehensively every time Bonnie feinted in that direction.

They circled each other most of the round, with Bonnie twirling the 5-iron menacingly while derisively taunting Zeeke with, "Whatsamatter, Da Nuts hurting??? HAHAHAHA!" Zeeke, while still in obvious pain, was mostly trying to figure out to semi-walk on one Stripper Heel.

The crowd started booing at the inactivity about a minute into the round. Zeeke responded by knocking Bonnie down with a surprisingly well executed slide up side kick. But he was unable to take advantage before the bell rang to end the round.

Round 2 Result: Zeeke the clear winner.

Round #3

Eyore was a splendid vision as Ring Girl #3 in a stunning mix & match bikini off the pages of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

The crowd was yelling a mix, too, of boos, catcalls, "More Beer!" and various Yo' Momma jokes.

Both fighters were very intense as the final round started, and clearly wanted not only to win the fight but to crush the other. Zeeke was moving better, but still clearly bothered by what appeared to be a sprained ankle. Bonnie was huffing and puffing a bit from waving the 5-iron around.

Zeeke started the action by ducking under the 5-iron and putting a furious block into Bonnie's left side knocking her into the ropes and onto the canvas. Zeeke celebrated by climbing the ropes and regaling his 7 fans with obligatory chest thumping. That caused a fair amount of wheezing, and he also failed to notice that Bonnie was faking it.

Bonnie jumped up and crushed the side of Zeeke's knee with a solid blow of the head of the 5-iron. He fell off of the ropes howling in pain. As Zeeke tried to stand up, Bonnie raked his face with her tough, sharpened fingernails. Being bloodied and bowed seemed to only make Zeeke madder.

Zeeke blindly reached out and happened to grab one of Bonnie's ankles. He yanked on it, flipping her backwards onto the canvas. Zeeke jumped on top of her and sat on her chest, pinning her arms with his knees. Thinking he could now pound Bonnie senseless, he reached way back to launch a devastating blow and then...

DING DING DING

Soooooo,who won???