"Chicks Dig It"

(Written 6/17/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Uglier Marylanders Blog)

I *try* to smoke all of my cigarettes out on my patio. I do this not because I dislike the smell but because others tell me it makes my house stink.

But I'm not batting 1.000. A cigarette seems right when taking a nice dump. And it's hard to go without one for as long as it takes to shave, shower, and dress. And after waking, I can't wait thru getting dressed (especially since I started using compression socks... ugghh), etc., for that first one of the day. And then there's... I think y'all get the picture.

So, I probably smoke about five cigarettes a day in my bathroom, with the exhaust fan running during and for about 10 minutes after.

I had been using some neutral-scented air freshener (Lysol? I forget.), but it recently ran out. While shopping at the store for a replacement, I noticed that nearly all of the current brands have... ummm... chick scents. There is NO "Eau de Budweiser," "Hamburger Sizzling on a Grill," or even "3-Day Old Sweat." Phooey!

Left to pick from all the Chick Scents, I remembered back to a chat with a Hot Babe cashier at a car wash in Phoenix, AZ. She said I *should* have a scent thing hanging from my mirror; the favorite scent among Hot Babes like her was, oddly enough, Vanilla; and, we're having a Special on it TODAY ONLY for JUST $10. Like ANY guy, I would've bought Eau de Brussels Sprouts if SHE had recommended it.

Naturally, I then searched for a vanilla-scented air freshener. There weren't any that were *just* vanilla. Yeah, let's NOT make it easy on the Buyer. So I settled for Febreze's "Lavender, Vanilla & Comfort." Lavender I like. What's "Comfort"??? I have no idea, but I'm sure it's absolutely splendid. Why else would Febreze stick it in there?

About now, I'm sure you're wondering: why is Christopher torturing himself over bathroom air fresheners? That automatically means you're a Chick. Any Guy would know. We do this on the off chance that Angelina Jolie will knock on our door asking to use our bathroom. And somehow she'll be soooooooooo impressed with our bathroom odor that she'll want to have sex with us, and right NOW. D'oh!

Sooooo, five times a day I'm saturating my bathroom with the lovely smells of lavender, vanilla, and juniper. Juniper? Yes, that's what Febreze's web site says the "Comfort" scent is. Ya'right... not to THIS gardener. A juniper is a boring evergreen tree/shrub that when cut smells like, well... sap. Alrighty then...

In my totally uneducated olfactory view, the Fabreze, cig smoke, and other normal bathroom odors have combined to make my bathroom smell like a French Whore. Few Guys really know what a French Whore smells like. The rest of us just use the term to describe what a woman smells like who uses waaaaaaaaaaay too much cheapass toilet water bought in the handy gallon bottle with a hand pump. Oh, and our grandmothers.

Worse, I haven't yet figured out how to avoid getting drenched by the bazillion droplets that invade the bathroom every time I use that "sweeping motion" to spray "throughout the entire room." (I'm German. I follow directions *exactly*.) I've tried bobbing and weaving, backing out of the room while spraying, and covering myself in a bath towel. No luck. Now, of course, *I* smell like a French Whore for most of the day.

Given my usual luck with women, Angelina Jolie WILL stop by next week and WILL ask to use my bathroom. When she comes out, however, she'll say, "I *hate* that 'Comfort' odor. It smells like frickin' SAP. I HATE Sap. It reminds me of the rain forests we're killing off EVERY DAY. If you had used just Vanilla, I would've come out of the bathroom in my sexiest lingerie and high heels and said, 'Do me NOW, Big Boy'."

Oh well... maybe Jennifer Aniston loves the smell of sap...