"God's on Facebook? Uh oh..."

(Written 1/17/12 by PrancerTheSwami for the Uglier MDers blog)

At first The Swami could see no good coming from The Almighty being on Facebook.  The Swami is paranoid enough without Him watching even there.

So The Swami proceeded very carefully to investigate the extent of God's presence on Facebook.  Maybe it's just one of His afterthoughts and He doesn't follow it closely?

The main "public figure" profile for God isn't all that impressive.  :::: pausing for possible lightning bolt strike ::::  Well... ooooooookay.  It only has a bit over one million "likes," so maybe He quickly moved onto other things after constructing it? 

But it does answer one question I've always had about God... does he have a sense of humor?  Yeah, yeah... He created dachshunds.  But verbally, I've always wondered.  On the profile for His Location, it says "Everywhere" and for His Email Address, it says "Just Pray!"  Good stuff that...

His second "local business" profile is a bit strange.  As "likes," He includes Starbucks, Kobe Bryant, and Lady Gaga.  Well, ooooooookay.  A bit pricey/gag/tacky in MY book.

God also has an "app" on Facebook: "God Wants You to Know."  It promises daily messages to bring you "love... strength... (and) happiness."  Well, blah blah blah.  The Swami had sensed that app was bogus anyway because it asked for "permission" to access my Facebook information.  Wouldn't He already know that stuff?

So, The Swami decided to submit several questions directly to The Almighty on His "public figure" profile.  The results were interesting:

The Swami: Your profile only has 1,164,643 "likes" and only 552 people "like" your main pic.  Are you disappointed with those results?

God:  I'm omnipotent, but this Facebook software is the pits.  I'm having a huge problem with 'spreading the word' so far.  I've filed some complaints, but they're very slow to respond.

The Swami: Maybe you could send them a burning bush or two?

God:  <<snort>>  I've been thinking more like a nice plague.

The Swami: Plagues seem a bit harsh.  The Swami could give you some ideas for good curses, like fleas.

God: Kewl beans, hit me up by email.  Thanks...

The Swami: You're on Twitter at 'OurHolyLord.'  Whose idea was that name?

God: Don't get me started on 'consultants' <spit>. The best ones are tied up with political candidates until late this year.  So I'll change it after that.

The Swami: We've discussed some people on AOL before.  What do you think of Vomit's use--just before Christmas--of his face on a pic of Jesus on the cross, claiming Ronnie's your "only begotten son"?

God: I will be 'in touch' with him 'soon'.

The Swami: I noticed that Jesus came out on his profile foursquare against "threatening individuals" here.  Does that also...

God: Apply to AOL?  Yes, and I'm very aware of the many ugly threats of violence by that Zeeke individual.  I am NOT pleased with his conduct in general.  Let me just say this... the next time he goes out to get 'piss drunk,' you do NOT want to be sitting near him.

The Swami: Well, thanks for your time, but I need to...

God: I've been meaning to discuss some of YOUR recent blog articles with you.  Here, sit beside me...

The Swami: Uh oh...